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Old 04-11-2008, 01:58 AM   #794
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

End of a War; Beginning Anew
Darth Visilius

Sequel on to The Wrong Path: The Jedi are unable to find out what is happening…

Remember when making a noun possessive, you have to add ‘s or s’ when it is plural or ends in ‘s‘. So foes life should have been foe’s life.

The dialogue is a bit stilted, and the action sequences too compressed. Remember to edit for flow.

To save time, I am doing the next two simultaneously:
Taak Rising Part 1
Taak Rising Part 2
Taak Farst

Part 1

One problem almost immediately. An officer does not have time to be the medic for a unit as well. Also most officers are going to be more upset by his men running from battle than a wounded man. Saving a life is important, but it has to be secondary to command responsibility. As an example, Robert Heinlien used the example of the Chesapeake versus the Shannon during the war of 1812. The commanding officer was wounded, and a midshipman left his post to take the man below. While he was gone, every officer senior to him was either killed or wounded badly enough that it left the 15 year old boy in command.

The court of inquiry ruled that as the senior officer, he was derelict in his duty as commanding officer.

Second, why is your hero shooting up ships from his own side? You don’t start shooting up your own vessels unless there is no alternative.

Part 2;

The story was going all right until you decided to have a Millennium Falcon prototype. This caused me to jar to a stop. Think of it this way:

The Trojan War is about to start, and Achilles is recruited. The Myrmidons board the Queen Elizabeth II…

The ship is 4,000 years in the future.

You used the wrong word in the fight at the Academy, because silence is broken, not broke.

Commentary on both:

The action is too compressed. You’re rushing the story. Think of a river. Instead of a steady flow, you’re creating rapids that make the reader actually have to slow down when they read it. Slow down the action, allow it to flow more naturally. Also your dialogue tends to be stilted. In the first section of part 1, it was all right, since you’re in a battle but the trend continued.

I know it sounds crazy, but write it out, then read it aloud. You will notice immediately where action and dialogue doesn’t feel right. Then correct it. And as I say to every new kid (And quite a number of older writers including myself) reread edit rewrite polish, repeat until smooth.

Svetlie ili Tyomnie? ("Light or Dark?")

Sequel to Radi Dvyx: Trying to find a better job can be… frustrating

It’s disadvantageous.

The story flowed well, and kept my interest. Good work

Pick of the week.

The Big Swoop-id Race

KOTOR on Taris: Sequel to Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest, the swoop bike race

I was chuckling by the time I finished it. The piece fits perfectly into the other two. The ’hero’ comes off more and more like the idiot of the group in my opinion, but hey, it works for me.

Pick of the week.


Light Side Female Revan:

Rina Delwynn

After Revan‘s return: A day of remembrance.

The style is good, the story and scene well done. You did what I always tell people to do when using an existing holiday; make it new and different. I was almost wondering if you were going to add the line from the Vogel song Waltzing Mathilda.

Pick of the week.

What happens next? (Chapter1)
Mara Jade Skywalker

TSL: A brief interlude with the Exile and Atton, originally reviewed 5 January 2007 that review still stands:

After the confrontation on Malachor: An interlude between Atton and the Exile

The scene flows well, and is amusing in it’s own way. The Exile not sure if she should kill him or kiss him at one point is a nice touch.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

The Twenty-Third Sub-Basement, Part I

After TSL: A character comments on her version of reality, if you can call it that…

The story started out a bit weird but once it started rolling I almost fell over laughing. Having all of these sub-plots running through my own head at times, I not only understood where the author was going, but could almost see where it might be going. Hey, JediDWH, how about you send me the complete work? That way I can get a chance to read it.

Pick of the week.

Cave's Echo

Originally reviewed 19 January 2007. Original review below

During KOTOR: Revan feels a link to the future and marks a path for those that follow.

The style is good, the wording a bit stilted, but it flows well and needs only polishing.

The biggest problem I have with the DS/LS argument is the way people look at the sides. If you are Dark Side you automatically revel in every possible debauchery while your light side opponent can’t even think about it because it will turn them to the darkside. You go directly from St Francis of Assisi to Vlad the Impaler with no middle ground.

Not everyone does this, but it does irk me and this work brought it to the fore.

Good stuff, Alexandra.

Reprise Pick of the week.

The Huntress' Redemption

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Some memories of Mira

The piece is good. It doesn’t follow the basic story but that isn’t a negative, only a comment.

Keep it up.

Ghosts of the past-Chapter One
The Disciple

PreKOTOR: The battle of Malachor V.

Some cumbersome sentences and words. It’s command not commandership, and the words out of in ‘from out of Republic space’ are redundant.

The basic are good, the only stumbling block the question someone else asked; who threw her in that life pod?

Well done.

Moping in the Dark

TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Can Atton tell the truth about himself?

The piece is interesting in the setting more than anything else. Having Atton act like a teenager moping about (Which fit the way he was acting) was choice. Nicely done.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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