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Old 05-09-2008, 08:18 AM   #803
machievelli
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,830
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

DBZ no title yet
Reven0123

DragonBall Z adventure: After a spy is caught, a mission is planned.

The biggest problem is flow. It doesnít flow well and part of that is TMI, what my wife would call Too Much Information. Donít get too far into the minutiae of why and how. As is pointed out in the Making of Star Trek, you donít have Marshal Dillon explaining the mechanics of the Colt Peacemaker, because they are incidental to the story.

This causes rocks to fall into the flow of the river of the story, and that causes the reader to be buffeted. The smoother the story flows, the better. This like a lot of problems is an editing problem. Just look at the work, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish until smooth.

The explanations of the training clothing is excellent, giving someone like me (Who never got into the DBZ universe) an idea of the why of their costuming.

a star wars story with no name
Commas

No specific era given: A Dejarik game leads to a more interesting proposition

I missed this one on my first run through because itís only a few paragraphs long, and hasnít been touched since 2005.

The work is interesting in itís own way, so the author should maybe expand it a bit?

Evil Terror
RevanMMaster

Non Star Wars: A demon from hell thirsts for revenge.

The basics are good but youíre hurrying the story too much. You go in two paragraphs through a century of enslavement and revenge, but have no explanation as to why. Slow it down. Horror writing, like any story, is a refreshing drink to be savored, not chugged like a glass of water on a hot day.

Four Rogues: A Dramedy
Tysyacha

Non-Star Wars: A thief has his day and his say in court.

The primary things I saw wrong with this were two. One, it is two blasted short, and second, Iím wondering why a Constable is passing sentence, the duty of a judge.

Still a Pick of the week.

Puns
HappyMojo

Non-Star Wars fiction: A teacher will teach, even when it is a story.

I cut you some slack because of the time you spent on it. So just remember, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish.

Sort of like a Chinese cookie, a subtle taste with an interesting aftertaste. Too short for my tastes.

Power

Lord Spitfire

Non-Star Wars Fiction: Evil has a defenderÖ

The work is interesting, but the premise is curious. Everything in life has a balance, yet you leave that out. If you have an explanation, Iíd like to hear it.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Exile

The Paths We Take
EmeryBoard

After TSL: The Exile decides she must follow Revan alone. A pity she doesnít have a say in the matter.

The piece needs editing, and polishing. Beyond that I loved the way it flowed and ended. The ending was one of the best I have ever seen.

Pick of the week.

The Final Moments
Winter Onasi

After TSL: Revan considers that it was teamwork that made everything come out in the end.

The basics didnít follow the canon., but by the same token did I care as I read? No way, because it flowed well. The Story was aq curious and fun departure from the canon, and well worth reading.

Pick of the Week.

Return
CodeNameTargeter

Originally reviewed on June 7 2007. I failed in posting this on Kotorfanmedia last year, but here it is now.


After TSL: What do you do when your love finally comes home?

This could have been taken to any genre of movie from western to the stars, dropped in, and it would fit smoothly.

That isnít derogatory. Itís a comment on how well the author works. 14 thumbs up.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

The Return of Revan
Jedi Serenity

Originally reviewed on June 7 2007. I failed in posting this on Kotorfanmedia last year, but here it is now.

After TSL: Carth and Revan are reunited.

The story is basic and poignant. Very well done.

20 thumbs up, and worth every one.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

When I started I intended to have only one piece of everyoneís work. Of course I was working from the bottom of the original Authorís list, which has since become defunct.

That is why I did not review this work before, and all I can claim is youthful inexperience and long and faithful service. But Amber deserves the same treatment I have given every other writer who posted more than one work soÖ

Spoken For
Amber Penglass

TSL, No specific period: Nothing can be as frightening as Marriage?

Some word usage problems, Wristful instead of wistful, the instead of they. Nothing major. Merely an editing problem.

That said, I started giggling when I got to the Alien chiefís diatribe, and the end was pure choice. All I am hoping for is the scene that follows this one, because her revenge has to be as monumental as her irritation.

Pick of the Week.

A Mismatched Set-Chapter One
FalnAngel9124

Originally reviewed on June 7 2007. I failed in posting this on Kotorfanmedia last year, but here it is now.

Set almost two decade before KOTOR: An unlikely pair of friends meets Jolee Bindo.

Having Revan come from a society as straight laced as the one Falnangel describes is just so choice. Especially being born of an upper-class of that society. How Revan handles it, and how easily she is willing to throw it aside makes the characters even more interesting

Reprise Pick of the Week.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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