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Old 05-15-2008, 10:51 PM   #804
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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They put the Outer Rim (Non Star Wars) in the normal queue here, so Iíve been going through all of them. Only two pages (A dozen by me) so if anyone wants to try their hand and stick a fork in me by all means do so. Otherwise they wonít be reviewed.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Fable- My GCSE Entry-
Non Star Wars: Sometimes, the evil just wants to restÖ

While the basics were not too bad, you tend to create massive paragraphs. Remember first that a paragraph addresses one concept at a time.

When people speak, you have to break the paragraph again, and if itís too cumbersome people wonít read it.

Cade Drottning
Reuben Shan

Non Star Wars set in the world of Eragon: Sometimes it only takes time to see what you want.

The piece is short, and the only problem with that was you forced the story to make it so brief. Remember that a story has to flow, it has to take the reader with it. If it is literally run from place to place you end up with confused readers, not satisfied ones.

Ease down, and let the story flow naturally, give us more to see, to visualize, and to enjoy. Donít worry, itíll come.

Trust me.

I, Vader: Part II

Near end of ROTS: Anakin considers his recent past to see where his fall began.

The piece is the usual work we can expect from Tysyacha. The story is flowing well and I anticipate the third part.

Tales of a troubled Elf

Non Star Wars: After a battle, the old ways still work
The problem I see here is only one, SE, where is the rest?

Little Dreamer
Bee Hoon

Non Star Wars: The past and future collide in more ways than oneÖ

An interesting piece, BH. If this is the one you wanted reviewed, good work.

Pick of the week.

This is Our Way
The Source

No specific era given: A dark Lord contemplates his discoveries. All of them.

Problems with word usage. Ceiled (To provide or cover with a ceiling.
) instead of sealed. The other problem is I saw at least four places to break that one monumental paragraph.

The basics and work was good, just not up to your usual standards.


Dark Side Revan

Tol-Mar chapter 1

After the Star Forge: Time seems to slip as Carth buries his friends, and Dustil mourns his father.

The piece was a bit confusing, but the very confusion engendered makes me want more.

Pick of the week.

Darth Mettiz

Some time after Malachor V: An eager dark apprentice waits for her masterís return.

Some problems with word usage, faced instead of fazed, whish instead of wish.

The basics are good, and I just wonder who this little homicidal maniac is. More please.

Light Side Female Revan

Only You. Chapter: One

Six years after the destruction of the Star Forge: On the anniversary of the destruction of the Star Forge, Revan has her annual nightmare, but there is more than just dreams evil to fightÖ

The piece has some interesting moments. It does tend to drag a bit, but that is because it doesnít flow perfectly. But that is an editing problem.

Please, keep it up.

Double Dare
Miraea Starr

TSL After the battle of Onderon: Place your bets, place your bets!

The piece started off rather bland, but the flashback, the bets, the Exile in a nightie, Too much good stuff!

Pick of the Week.

Rude Awakenings

The Mandalorian Wars during Battle of Dxun: A little bit of comedy during the horrors of war lighten the mood.

The piece flowed well, the scene well done, the story excellent as it is. Itís well worth the read.

Pick of the week.

Backup: Beginnings

Five years after the destruction of the Star Forge: Between enigmatic warnings from long dead friends, and dreams starring others, Carth Onasi suddenly discovers a need to search for his love.

The piece started slow, but moved inexorably to a conclusion that leaves you wanting more. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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