View Single Post
Old 07-18-2008, 01:16 AM   #845
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

The (Droid) Mouse and His Child

KOTOR Between Dantooine and Kashyyk: The smallest thing can make the difference.

The story flows smoothly, the basic premise interesting. Making the droids key wind linked it to the original in an amusing way. A bit short, but what else can I say?

Lord Foley

Eight years after the Star Forge: Nature abhors a vacuum…

The piece explores the inner workings of the Republic a little deeper than normal, and this interested me. I wish I had the time to follow it all the way to the end.

Pick of the Week.

Gods and Mortals

Some minor misspelling. Rashions should have been spelled rations regardless of the pronunciation. Imp[roper word usage (through the air, not threw). Remember conversation breaks. Some terminology mixed. An out cast is ‘cast out’.

The basics are good if generic. Keep writing, I want to see more.

Oslozhneniya (Complications)--Starring Rev7!

Continuation of Vremya series: The mismatched band of adventurers travel to Lehon in search of Revan.

An interesting story up to date. The only problem I have is that would I be asking you for words in Russian if I knew Russian Grammar? (My answer would be that you have used the Welsh grammar everyone hears when they hear Yoda talking. IE it probably reads ‘standing between the third and second house I am‘.)

The Mandalorian Legacy

Post TSL: The Mandalorians again prepare for war.

Editing problems, but they appear to be caused by using and trusting a spell checker. The wrong word but properly spelled, that kind of thing. Remember to reread when you edit.
The writer John Sanford in his latest paperback Invisible Prey commented on it because three different reporters tried to use the word imminent and had three different words, only one meaning ‘soon to happen’.

While interesting, I was curious why the Mandalorians thought they could win this time. Perhaps they are correct, but I don’t think so.

The Chronicles Of Darth Revan Part 1 The Past Of Revan.
Revan 411

Problems with editing and word usage. Remember conversation breaks.

The story rambles, and events happen too quickly. There is little or no description. You are using numbers larger than would be logical. Having billions both of Lehon and Tatooine makes the desert world far too crowded, and the Sith military too large. Remember that the entire US Military at the end of WWII was less than 7 million men all combined. If they stood in wide order (Such as during an inspection) they would have needed the entire state of Rhode Island to have them all in one formation.

Technical: Remember that a squad is only around a dozen men in most armies. The numbers you describe should be called a platoon. Check out the Resource Center, specifically the Expert forum post two.


Only Fools Fall In Love

TSL At Malachor V with flashbacks: Lost love and pain, something the character knows well.

The story is an interesting view of two of the ‘bad’ guys making them more human. The underlying love story is also poignant.

Pick of the Week.

The Light is Only the Beginning: Chapter 1: The Past Becomes Present

15 years after TSL: Atton and Mira discover information about Revan.

The story flowed well, the situation generic but still good. The only complaint I have depends on who Raven is; Not enough time has passed for what I think.

Pick of the Week.


TSL Enroute to Onderon: Taking some time out for training, and a bit of gentle tweaking.

Having Bao Dur and the Exile as a love interest happens rarely, but is refreshing when it happens. The subtle going behind each other’s back in regard to the droids was well done and cute. Well worth the read, but Winter always is.

Pick of the Week.

Some Demons Never Rest
Darby Ogill

TSL Enroute to Telos for the second time: An evening of terror for the crew of the Ebon Hawk.

A very well done series of nightmares that focused on the worse parts of their own lives. Each vignette is well done, the basis of each dream well thought out. All about the one demon we can never escape.

Pick of the Week.

The Shadow Jedi : Chapter 1

TSL on Dxun: Will Atton return to his past?

Some word usage problems such as formable instead of formidable. Sense instead of sensed. This is an editing problem, just remember to reread your work. You also keep calling Kreia Keira.

As another said the writing and basic theme is generic, but there is some excellent ideas here. Keep it up.

Knight Savtrian

Long before KOTOR: A young Jedi Apprentice feels alone, and gets help from one of the masters.

The piece is a good ‘slice of life’ vignette. We always see the finished products, the Jedi Padawan Knight or Master. We rarely get the chance to see the youngling who has yet to become that future.

Pick of the week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,