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Old 08-15-2008, 12:03 AM   #863
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Triumvirate Wars

After KOTOR: Snippets of the war against the Sith.

The writing is disjointed, as is the story. Even a battle, while chaotic, has a flow to it. The primary problem is that the ‘battle’ at the base was poorly planned. I liked the two tier plan with the liquid explosives and the droids but the gizka trap made no sense in either timing or execution.

Also, a soldier’s load out going into combat is very scientifically designed to balance weight and necessity. A crew served weapon such as a mortar requires four men, two carrying the dismantled weapon, two carrying only eight rounds of ammo, each carrying 120 rounds of ammo for a rifle, that weapon and food for three days. Fifteen men could carry only three which would not be ‘all’ a large base might have, since the standard battery is 4-6 tubes. It would have made more sense to booby trap and leave them.

But as a first work it isn’t bad. Just remember to edit and polish.

The Quest for Revan

After TSL: The survivors of Malachor V try to reorganize.

You have some word usage problems but not as much as last time. Resilience (Pliancy) instead of resistance (trying to stop) speeds instead of speed.

The basic story is excellent, the emotional content of part one perfect. This is worth reading.

Pick of the Week

Shrouded in Darkness: Yuthura Ban's Tale
Darth Yuthura

KOTOR on Korriban: Yuthura’s return to the light begins its rocky start.

The writing is excellent, the story compelling. My primary problem with it is I don’t have time to read all of it.

DY had asked two weeks ago for me to read and critique this… But everyone commenting stopped me from getting to it earlier. It was worth the wait, but at the same time frustrating, because it is that good.

Pick of the week.

Mistakes of the Heart
Darth Stephanie

Non SW fic: The ramblings of an old man becomes important to a young reporter.

Remember quotation marks. Nothing was wrong with the work that cannot be cured by simple editing, so remember my mantra reread, edit, rewrite, polish, and repeat until perfect.

The piece had some problems with it. Were the head crabs the enemy, and if so what was the scourge itself? The main character’s skills suggest a weapon like a bomb rather than a biological one, but beyond that I don’t have a clue from this as to what was used to end that war.

KOTOR III: The True Sith

Some odd word usage detracting from the flow. ‘cit’ which made no sense, alit instead of alight or ablaze. The basic work is good and needs editing more than anything else.

Technical note: what was the enemy using to conceal their vessels? There has to be something, either a special paint job with senor absorbing material, or a magnetic field of some kind to disrupt them. Remember in TESB when Han pulls the grappling bit on the Star Destroyer? The first thing the commander thinks about is that the ship is too small to carry a cloaking device.

Otkrytiya (Revelations)

Post TSL: Chapter 14 of the Vremya series, The truth of the Operative is revealed.

Another great chapter Tys.

Pick of the Week


Light Side Female Revan

Oi, Offworlder!

KOTOR on Manaan: An additional member on the party against the Sith Embassy. Alternate Universe.

An interesting take on the scene, and the additional character would make the game from that point on intriguing.

Sparring Match
Captain Crunch

PreKOTOR: There are many ways to spar…

The piece surprised and delighted me. By jerking you from one point to the other as the author did caught me by surprise.

I did not anticipate what was going to occur, and that is most of my delight. I hate being able to figure what that next line is going to be. The ending was so outrageous and fit well. Worth reading.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR : A New Beginning Chapter 1 and 2

KOTOR Aboard the Endar Spire: A new view of our favorite character

The piece is nice, the character coming off the page beautifully. There were problems, but nothing that editing couldn’t cure.

A word about the spell checker programs… remember that they assume you know what word you mean and approximately how it is spelled. As an example, John Sanford in Invisible Prey makes a comment where three different reporters were trying to say an arrest was imminent, and only one used the correct word. One used immanent, the other eminent.

Pest Control

PreKOTOR: Young Apprentices deal with a problem in their own way

The piece is both sweet and disturbing. I understand the two trying to deal with the problem a little too well, and having them unsure of what the words mean is a bit of fun. Very well done.

Pick of the Week.

Blood and Tears
Spud Head

TSL on Malachor V: Atton’s death causes unexpected repercussions.

The piece is dark and foreboding, making you shiver at the sudden change and why. Well worth reading whether light or dark.

Pick of the week

What hurts the most ( Songfic)

TSL on Malachor V: Atton dies, but not before saying what he feels.

I tend to not like song fics, but this is one of the best I’ve seen so far. Very well done.

Pick of the Week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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