Coruscant Entertainment Center
Non SW Fiction: Desperate times call for desperate men.
I noticed a comment by the author in the forward:
Finally if you want to tell me what you think BE HARSH I can take it.
Gee, thanks, not that I needed it. But most of you have never seen me in full teacher mode have you…
Remember not to combine words not normally combined such as bestfriend. Watch for homonyms (Whether instead of weather their instead of there). The word you needed was prevent(Stop) not protect.
You are using the wrong words sometimes, primarily because I think you’re letting the flow overwhelm you. When you used the word excused, I think you meant ignored.
The piece flows but you’re rushing it a bit. The people whether political military or prison are believable.
Style B-, above errors C+, Content A+
As for content I have only one other thing to say.
Pick of the week
The End of the Saga
Remember conversation breaks. As Bee Hoon said (Are you trying for my job kid?) remember to reread, edit, rewrite and polish always. I do it even on works I haven’t worked on in years. (Both of my KOTOR novels have been reread and edited as recently as three months ago.)
Technical: The biggest problems I had with the work are the ones Bee Hoon commented on. First, why send a Padawan to do a Master’s job? As much as your explanation makes sense of how he hid his ship, it runs right into military logic. Think about this:
Boris Badenov flies his navalized Mig29 onto USS Harry Truman so he can spy on those nasty Americans.
They’d search every landing bay at the same time. The boat bay officer (The one in charge of landing and placement Called the Landing Deck Officer aboard the ship above) would have had to record the landing and placement of any aircraft that has landed. The same man would have automatically had to arrange for refuel and resupply for that plane. The only logical way I could see for him to ‘slip’ aboard in a fighter would be if he hacked the computer, convinced it that the craft belonged there, I.E. Squadron assignment, that kind of thing. He’d have to be in disguise as one of their pilots as well.
So if you have a fighter arrive, ground crewmen would be there to check it out, assuring everything is as it should be. When the command comes down to find it, the officer would know when it had landed, and know who to ask as to where it was. In ROTS they did it, but arriving on the deck in the middle of a battle would excuse that.
Other than that, pretty good.
Emperor's Dark Jedi
No specific time given, though assumed to be under Palpatine: A young Jedi gets a new assignment.
Try to avoid using classes from the games. You don’t hear them in the movies, and it can confuse a reader. Except for the computer games, I have never played the RPG, and I vented on one writer a year or so ago because the names they assign can be stupid some times. Be clear on the fight scenes as well. You had her swing but then couldn’t seem to make up your mind what kind of strike she used. Read my KOTOR novel posting 42 where I describe the kata used by the Echani. If you have ever seen Conan the Barbarian, you can see the defensive spiral I call the Wheel.
The basics are good and the story seems to flow well so far.
A Dark Path
Post TSL: Revenge is a dish best not served.
The only negative I have about this one is the last section when you suddenly said ‘This I know, but this I do not worry for. I worry for’. The usage is cumbersome and slowed what had been a good read up to that point.
Imperial Military Police
Imperial Era: A snippet in the life of a Military policeman
The basics are good, and most comments are technical.
First, a military policeman is a rear echelon post. As an example The front line troopers use different rules of engagement. You’re allowed to react before being fired upon for example. Once the enemy is pushed out, then the military police come in and try to maintain order. The only time a military policeman ends up in a pitched battle like you describe is if he runs into guerillas or an enemy raid.
PreTSL on Nar Shaddaa: There are some jobs that pay so well…
The biggest problem I had with the work was tossing in words that didn’t really fit. ‘assortment’ of credits, a ‘favorable’ drink. This happened more times than I cared to count. Remember to edit the work and make sure the word usage fit’s the situation. Inutile? What did you do, kid, swallow a dictionary?
The descriptions as others mentioned are excellent. The situation (Beyond what I mentioned above) well crafted.
TSL Enroute to Onderon the second time: Do you really want to win?
The story concept is beautiful, and the game well played. The irritation as each ends up revealing more than they might like, the playful ‘I’m only drinking because I’m thirsty’ comments excellent foils in a game that becomes increasingly more vicious.
Pick of the week.
Post KOTOR: What if you had to live with what you had done?
The piece was cold and dark, and I liked it a lot. The mysterious person who gifted Revan with the memories of what he had done is enigmatic and definitely a keeper.
Pick of the Week
Revan-The Untold Chapters 1
During end of TSL on Dantooine: Revan reviews what he has done with his life.
The only negatives I can think of have already been addressed by previous reviewers. The story is well done, the layout of the scene excellent. Very well done.
Pick of the Week
Ever The Same
A year after TSL: The heroes of both games make their final stand
The piece is excellent, the only problem I had was the line ‘the night passed’ suggesting several hours. Without that one line it would be perfect!
Pick of the Week
Boys Will Be Boys
TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A boy’s night out worth remembering
The basic idea has problems, which I addressed at Lucasforums
The Expert’s forum
For those who don’t want to read the post, stories of Christmas Halloween St Valentine’s day etc violate the canon ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’ because two of them (You guess) were old pagan holidays with the serial numbers filed off. All of them by the names they have are less than 600 years old.
You can use the spirits of the holidays but a lot of the trappings are too obvious.
That said, an excellent story well worth reading.
Pick of the Week
TSL On Dxun During the attack on Freedon Nadd’s tomb: Sometimes the past will keep you down.
The piece is well written, the background on Mira is well done. The story well worth the read.
Pick of the Week