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Old 08-29-2008, 01:09 AM   #873
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Knights of the Old Republic III - Threat from the unknown.

Post TSL: The battles begin again

You’re using the wrong words sometimes (of instead of off). The basic descriptions are good but there are times when you’re using cumbersome sentences to do so. As an example ‘She was wearing a black Dark Jedi tunic, black pants, black boots and a cloak with the hood pulled up, going to the ankles.’ would have been better if you had phrased it ‘She was wearing a black Dark Jedi tunic pants and boots with an ankle length cloak with the hood pulled up.’ These are all editing problems, so remember reread, edit, rewrite, polish.

On a military vessel you don’t lock a door you seal it. In a situation where you have been boarded, you would not need to order a door sealed, you would have done it to every door except for the blast doors.

On the whole what I read was good. Primarily as I said, it’s an edit and polish job.

Welcome to the forum.

Final Fantasy ShinRa's Regime

Non SW fiction set in FF7:

You left out the apostrophe in I’m and for got to capitalize it. Question: since most of the F series is based on mythology, shouldn’t it be Midgard?

Your wording in the training phase is cumbersome. Watch the start of SEAL training in G.I. Jane for an example and as much as Starship Troopers kept the recruit crap, most military units drop it after you leave basic.

Most of the work is good, but it needs more description, and editing. You mentioned you have problems with description, here’s my suggestion: look at a room, say a restaurant you’re in. Now get out a notepad, and make notes of the customers, the décor, the table settings. If this is too difficult, pick a person you see and pretend you have to tell the police about them.

Once you’ve got the skill down, tone it down enough that you’re no longer describing a suspect, but now only giving the basics. Writing is more than ideas, it’s work to get the reader to ‘willingly suspend disbelief’ as a famous writer once said.

Put' Otstupnika (The Way of the Renegade)

Post TSL: Section 15 of the Vremya series, as the plot thickens can the team convince Revan to let them accompany him?

The work is up to her usual standards, and the story is going very well. Keep it up.

Pick of the Week

A Daring Duty
Lord of the Fish

Set before Phantom Menace:

Problems with homonyms, here instead of hear, that kind of thing. Remember conversation breaks. Without them you made a page two paragraphs. Also remember characterization. You have a Trandoshan speaking in a hale well met manner which doesn’t fit the racial attitude.

The basics are good, so keep it up, and welcome to the forum.

Mass Effect II: Reckoning
Tysyacha and Corinthian

Non SW fiction:

The work is good, the primary problem I have is slipping into sort of a game description mode. The explanation of ‘blitzing’ for example. Also most prisons do not let you take weapons in. Even locked in cells, prisoners can find a way to get out, and a weapon where they can try to grab it is an invitation to disaster. That is why in prison riots the cons end up with shivs and clubs. The only place this would be normal is a military POW camp, because the guards do not have to have orders to shoot any armed prisoners, though if you look at the guard in footage of Guantanamo, they treat it like a medium to high security prison.

A soldier would also snap to attention, and request permission to show her gymnastic abilities, especially if she’d just had a senior officer snap at her like you describe. Also drawing down on someone as the Asari does is a criminal offense under military law. Oddly the physical attack on her was also an offense. If she’s trained, an order to stand down should have been sufficient. If she had continued to draw, that is when the attack would have been allowed.

The basics of the story are good so far, and the only problem is remembering to understand the military mindset. While castigating the Asari is correct, explaining why to the one who caused that offense is also proper. Also the wiping feet was a bit over the top.

Pick of the Week

The False Peace
High On Pie 14

Five years after TSL:

Misspelling names (Coruscant and Nar Shaddaa). The best way to correct the grammar is to use your spell checker, with the grammar feature activated. It will tag words that are not proper, and will suggest options. But ignore the ‘passive voice commentary, since most word programs are written with office writing in mind.

I liked the small but interesting description of the bar, it gave me an excellent picture having been in a few bars like it. As much as you think Mandy is despicable, I kinda liked her. A pity I won’t have time to read it all the way through.


Light Side Female Exile

Life For Rent
Katara Ironarm

TSL on Telos: A brief introspection and decision.

The piece is interesting because most people don’t realize how free you can be with nothing left to take away. Excellent short.

Pick of the Week

At the End
Spud Head

Post TSL on Malachor V: After a life of pain, sometimes there is only one thing left to do.

I had to wait before writing this review because I wasn’t sure what to say. There are words improperly used, cumbersome sentences, editing problems.

That being said it was a perfect piece with all of the pain there for you to see, the balance between being the bad guy and at the same time regretting it inside an underlay that makes you wish it would never end. Well worth the read.

Pick of the week.

Loose Ends
Dobraye Utra

Post TSL: The crew of the Ebon hawk finds Revan and others on an unamed planet.

The piece is good journeyman work. The banter among the crew played in an interesting manner, the banter between the crew and those who work with Revan in character.

Well done. But really, both Brianna and Mical? Brrr.

Into the Unknown, Chapter One: The Void
Jin Won

After TSL: Setting out only with the droids, the Exile begins her quest for Revan.

The mystery element is well done, the explanation of why she travels in an as yet unnamed ship very well done. It is an intriguing piece well worth a look.

An awakening from darkness part 1 chapter 2

The Mandalorian wars: The Jedi gather to fight, seen through those we will soon love and hate.

The calm before the storm feeling is well done, looking at those who go, and those that stay is reminiscent of every excellent ‘going off to war scene ever done.

Pick of the Week.

A Night Off
Spud Head

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Playing hookey can lead to other things…

The basic idea is generic for any fan of Atton’s but the method, both making the other jealous then well meaning advice then a rapturous embrace was so well done that it flowed from one to the other without a bobble.

Pick of the Week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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