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Old 09-04-2008, 11:56 PM   #876
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Death Incarnate

Not long after the Battle of Endor: With the Empire collapsing, a secret agent decides to tell his story.

Some problems with the wrong word which would have been caught with a spell checker. The primary thing you need is editing, but who has ever escaped that with me? The basic work and story is good enough that like Mr. BFA I want more. I’ll just be a little more polite about it.

The biggest problem with the work is technical rather than storyline, and it has something to do with human nature. It is also something that bothered me about the remastered issue of ROTJ with everyone celebrating the victory at Endor.

Oppressive regimes do not just collapse into victory because the Boss dies. There is always that bureaucrat following orders given by a man long dead. Historically look at the Empire Of Alexander the great, which only began to collapse when four different claimants to the throne arose three years after Alexander died. The EU has the Empire still a viable threat through 17 books spanning ten years.

Bounty Hunting

Jabba’s Palace before ROTJ: a bounty hunter considers the future.

Remember to edit, you used reviled instead of revealed for example. You have run on sentences and cumbersome wording. As an example, ‘She was a bounty huntress who came to tatooine to bounty hunt at the the same time I decided that I wanted to become a bounty hunter and got my first bounty from Jabba, and I have been here every since.’ which would have read better as ‘She was a bounty hunter who came to tatooine to at the same time I decided that I wanted to become a bounty hunter. I got my first bounty from Jabba, and I have been here every since‘.

You see, bounty hunter is a non gender specific term and the sentence you had written had more than one subject, first Lara then the narrator. You then go on to say ‘you ever fail to impress’ implying she isn’t that good.

Also you tend to forget conversation breaks.

The basics are good but is the Luke our friend Skywalker in an alternate universe? We hear the name and automatically link it to ‘Skywalker, so a last name would be helpful. Last, one bounty hunter threatening Jabba is a fluke, having two in the same day would get someone killed.

Welcome to the forum

Rise of the Dalasians

No specific time given: The first sentient member of a new species looks at the world assuming itself superior to all.

The basics are good, the introspection interesting. The design of your new species is intriguing because it has 16 limbs both internal and external skeletons, and what sounds like a triple nervous system.

Dorozhka Obraztsa (The Way of the Paragon)

Post TSL: Chapter 16 of the Vremya series, A confrontation both within and without.

The story isn’t up to your usual standards because I get the feeling this was a bit rushed. The idea of just fighting Bastila would have sounded better from Rodian, just like the confession idea would have come across better from Tys. The ‘doing evil for a good cause’ stance of Bastila is so well done I am enjoying her fall.

The Willow Tree

Non SW Fic: A girl contemplates life with her diary and a willow tree.

A bit too short to set my teeth into, but good work.

My only question is, why is she worrying about how bad the summer will be in January?

Darth Revan, second ascension

KOTOR On the Rakata home world: Revan contemplates what has happened up to now, and how he’s going to put it right, dark side style.

The piece is dark and foreboding, something I usually don’t like in SW, but well done. As I have commented in previous articles, everyone has a reason for going to the dark side, and without that reason it’s just nonsense. You go through it step by step, and explain those choices.

Welcome to the forum, and oh, by the way JA…

Pick of the Week



KOTOR on the Endar Spire: Retelling the legend from another view point.

The piece is well done, the flow superb. While this is the one scene everyone does, it is new and unique here.

What I’m wondering is will these flashbacks to before she was reborn going to continue? It’s an interesting take, having an undercurrent of thoughts that the character does not show. Keep it up.

Pick of the Week


Post TSL: In Search of Revan, the Exile is found by someone else… or did she?

The basic story is good, and making it a fantasy instead of an actual event was a good touch.

May I Tell You I Love You?

Post TSL: Bound for the Unknown Regions, Atton has to tell her how he feels.

The idea is done but not overdone here. I liked the explanation of how they feel, and how they wish they had told each other how they felt. It’s letting go.

Pick of the Week.

Shadows of the Past
Jedi Chick

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s past come back to haunt him, and threaten his new life.

The story was starting to get generic and boring, then that scene at the end jumped from the shadows and hit you right between the eyes. The back-story told us enough to almost cheer the assailant on, and having Atton kill him was just icing on the cake.

Very good read.

Pick of the Week.


TSL on Korriban: Anything made can be broken. It’s just a matter of knowing how.

The scene struck me because any dungeon of any game can have that one being trapped within unable to escape. Giving him a name we’d recognize was a good touch. Everything flowed from his madness to his death to her regret. So well done I wish I could praise it enough.

Pick of the Week.


Post TSL: She has to go, and she can only think of one way to say good bye.

The song is excellent, and domo arigato for the translation. After the nonsense songs I learned as a kid as mnemonics, I’m glad other people at least try to teach kids something when they do. Like another above commented I have tried a song fic, but it’s beyond my abilities.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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