Thread: [Fic] A Soul Adrift
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Old 09-19-2008, 02:59 AM   #21
Bee Hoon
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
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Intriguing chapter! First off, I'm a little skeptical about the slavers using blasters--a dead Twi'lek is a wasted asset, so to speak. It's more likely that they will try to subdue them first, especially Taisan'kye and Atan'il as they are young and healthy (presumably). Random slaughter is dramatic but slavers (or good ones anyway) would be more efficient in maximising the number of slaves that they get.

Knocking on the rock walls of caves is quite painful and not terribly useful

Sri'lo's flute-playing seems to improve with improbable speed! Despite her daily practice, she still had difficulty at the start of the lesson, and managed to play so much better within the space of one lesson?

Besides that, why was Atan'il so reluctant to tell Sri'lo about the slavers? I'm also a little surprised that no one has mentioned them within that nine years:P The part about Taisan'kye sitting up all night at the table mystified me as well!

It should be "stabbed Taisan'kye in the heart", imho. There's a couple more small mistakes, but nothing major. And what would be faster--climbing up the cliff or running up the path? Since I'm not suicidal that way, I don't know

The descriptions are well done, with a good variety of sentence structures and word choice. Keep writing!

P.S. Try not to double post. Use the edit button instead



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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