Thread: [Fic] A Soul Adrift
View Single Post
Old 09-24-2008, 08:54 AM   #31
Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
 
Bee Hoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,268
Forum Veteran Veteran Fan Fic Author LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
With regards to the previous chapter, what you said about the Council in reply to my post was at odds with what was portrayed in the story, where Taisan'kye decided to explain it to Sri'lo because he was afraid that the elders would tell her with disregard for tact

Quote:
Originally Posted by Endorenna
It seems that one of my biggest problems in writing is remembering that the writer is omniscient and the reader isn't. Sorry, that was totally my bad!
I do that a lot as well, so no worries

Quote:
Originally Posted by Endorenna
...horror covering her face.
"Covering" is a little awkward. Try rephrasing? It's also odd that Sri'lo seems to have forgotten that her uncle was the one who stunned her:/ The memory loss may occur, but you should acknowledge it somehow ;p

Quote:
Originally Posted by Endorenna
Sri’lo’s senses clouded with waves of rage
How so? If anything, rage should sharpen the senses--the whole fight or flight response.

Overall, this chapter has a less polished feel than the first. The best advice that I can give is to take it slowly; there is no rush to post as your fans will always be hanging around anyway The dialogue between Nya'van, Sri'lo and Gaeva'ib feels a little stilted. Nice touch with the slavers getting scolded! You could work in more descriptions about the pain Sri'lo felt, as I seem to see her as a somewhat pampered child, never punished and thus never experiencing physical pain (besides breaking her arm).

I was half-expecting Nya'van to attempt some sort of diversion so that Sri'lo could escape (although expecting her to survive a desert alone might be foolish). I also thought that the Twi'leks working for the slavers would have been the ones cast out, hence I was a little surprised when she broke her own name (especially given the connection with criminals). I suppose it could have gone either way, but you might want to have Sri'lo think more about it, and sort out her reasoning so that the reader can follow her train of thought



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,