Thread: [Fic] A Soul Adrift
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Old 09-24-2008, 09:01 AM   #33
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee Hoon View Post
I do that a lot as well, so no worries
I think everyone does that at some point or another, so we're probably all guilty of that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bee
"Covering" is a little awkward. Try rephrasing? It's also odd that Sri'lo seems to have forgotten that her uncle was the one who stunned her:/ The memory loss may occur, but you should acknowledge it somehow ;p
How about:

Quote:
She looked up at him, a look of horror stretched across her face
That works a little better, I think.

Overall, though, pretty good!






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