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Old 10-02-2008, 11:09 PM   #892
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The Conspiracy

Non SW: An assassination is only the beginning.

The piece is short and choppy. The dialogue and action feels forced. Problems with punctuation, a lot of unnecessary periods for example. Using the wrong words (Policy officer, weather instead of whether) and forgetting conversation breaks. All of these are editing problems. Slow it down, let it flow.

As for characterization, Jockum is of what division? Homicide? Organized Crime? Anti-terrorist? His place in the scheme of things is too vague. As an example of what I mean look at the movie Predator II. The main character is clearly defined not only by rank but by unit.

Technical notes: While they call it a ‘sniper’ in the game, sniper is a personal noun meaning the person not the weapon. While they do make scopes up to 80x they are not what the professional chooses for an average assassination for the simple reason that the field of view is too small for rapid shots. As an example the modern Russian sniper using a Dragunov SVD has a 10 power scope, and the Marine snipers with a 700 Remington use 20 power scopes balancing field of view with accuracy. At 500 yards a man fills the smaller scope and more than half of his body in the larger. Only the .50 Caliber Barrett rifle would need something as powerful as the 80 power you describe, and it would kill you at just under a mile and a half.

As a prologue it wasn’t bad, though it was too short to get a good feel for what will happen later.

An Order 66 Survivor Story TriggerGod

At the end of ROTS: One Jedi escapes, and begins his flight

Continuity problems most of what I might have thought to write about this was covered exhaustively by Rogue Nine. While it was put a bit harshly, everything Rogue Nine said was accurate. As I have described in other reviews a story is like a river. It flows, and the smoother the flow, the better for the reader. Even when you hit white water or a waterfall, it is only a break from the steady flow, not all of it.

As a first attempt it could have been better, but you did try. Welcome to the Forum.

Fire Against Fire
Darth Betrayal

Alternate Universe 500 years after the failure of the Rebellion: Another rebellion begins.

Most of the editorial comments I would have made have been. HOP JM12 and Inryi have given excellent advice. What they haven’t commented on I will:

Technical: Guerilla warfare is now called Asymmetric Warfare because any such battle whether guerilla or organized unit has the same problem. A small unit will lose to a larger one merely because of numbers in most cases. When they win it is because of three things; superior weapons (The Marianas Turkey Shoot) Superior planning and tactics (Hannibal at Cannae, The Israelis in 1955, 67 and 73, the average ambush in Iraq today) or superior defenses such as fortifications (The Knights of St John at Malta). If you have any two, the numbers needed are even more skewed. Look at Desert Storm where the Allies had superior training, weapons and surprise. One unit, the 2nd Cav (A Cavalry regiment, though numbering as many as the average Brigade) ran into an Iraqi Republican Guard division (2.5 times as many men) and annihilated it for minimal losses. The 24th foot at Rourke’s Drift is an example by using superior weapons and fortifications

As I mentioned in my own TSL novel Return From exile (Post 24) basic infantry tactics presupposes that one man on the defensive (Meaning not standing in the open) is equal to two advancing, and behind good cover is worth six in the open. That is why sieges always take so long; the enemy has cover that an advancing enemy does not and assuming weapons are equal, has a better chance to survive and inflict casualties.

Surprise can help, but that is in the opening stages and as Clausewitz said, is in the mind of the leaders. For a few seconds the surprise will stop effective resistance, and is equal to almost doubling the force using it but again, that six to one still applies.

So you have 450 men behind defenses (At least the way you have described it) against 500 with the element of surprise. If you work it out using infantry rules 450 x6= 2700 men against 500x2=1000.

This is not to say it could not happen. Yet you have that greater force defeated so rapidly that they barely got any message out before all communications is lost. If they could have used jamming, it would have been more logical to do so before a message is sent.

Survival Of the Jedi
Knight 12617

At the end of ROTS: A young Jedi tries to escape when General Order 66 is issued.

Try to avoid local slang. Remember what everyone else has said about polish and editing.

Technical: You had the character commenting that he would claim his ‘batch’ of clones had been flawed. Clones are product, not considered as sentient by their creators, or for that matter the users in most cases, meaning anything specific like that (Not tall enough) would have seen them destroyed. The entire series of Clone War Republic Commando novels written by Karen Traviss were based on a bunch of kids considered suboptimal by the designers saved by pure chance and Mandalorian obstinacy. Their only problem was they were too ‘twitchy’.

Knight 12617

SW 12 years after ROTS: A Jedi remembers when it all happened.

A lot of others have commented, and I will let what they say stand because they have been under my pen before so they know what I would say. My suggestion is find synonyms. You used variations of deadly power three times in the same paragraph. By definition, any weapon transmits deadly power whether you’re talking about a sword (All of the body energy transmitted into an area of less than one square inch on a thrust) or an arrow or gun (several hundred foot pounds focused on a space of between .22 inch and .50 for a pistol). If this is something unique, say so.

The basics are good, and survivor’s journals are always good reading.

Oh, BTW, Beta means beta reader; someone to read critique and offer suggestions before posting. I am only one of those who has offered to do this for our contributors.

Postroila Vnov'

Star Wars Parody set in ROTJ: Why build it again if the first one didn‘t work?

Tys I hate to say it, but my definition of worst is not yours, otherwise you would win hands down. Now if you had said the most ridiculous…


Path of the Exile: Chronicles - Chapter 1

TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk: Visas wants to see so desperately. What would she see if she really looked?

The story is a very well done piece of work. Short and sweet.


KOTOR on Kashyyk after the Leviathan: There is a reason for the explosion at it‘s core.

As many already said, the post Leviathan period in the story is great for all of the angst it can cause. This is one of the best because you get to see the author’s Revan fall apart yet can’t explain why she does. The end is what you would expect, but even that was well done.

Pick of the Week

Atton's Shorts 1. The Problem With Kolto

During TSL, no specific period: Will love blossom if one of them is a Jedi?

The story had some cute and intriguing questions. Since the Exile forms bonds so quickly, could it be that she is afraid of love for other reasons? Worth a read.

Pick of the Week

Corruption. Part 1

TSL On Dxun: The crew decides to do what they want, even if it might bother Kreia.

The writing is good, needing only more polish and description to make it work well.

The primary problem I had with the piece is having it feel like a bunch of kids playing hookey with Kreia as the martinet teacher rather than a serious piece. It just rubbed me wrong, sorry.

Get Well Soon: Out the Airlock
Knight Pepper

TSL on Dxun: Not every enemy can be fought

The story is cute because you never notice anyone being cut down by the simplest of causes, disease. The idea that no one could even think of what to say about it was funny, but the allusion to that first bout of nausea was choice.

Pick of the Week

An Exile's Exile

PreKOTOR during the Mandalorian Wars: The person who would one day be the Exile accepts her first command.

The basics of the story were good, the writing crisp and well done. The addition of a beta-reader is not evident, but subtly shown in the clean style. Having the Exile be a Zabrak was an interesting twist.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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