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Old 10-09-2008, 10:45 PM   #897
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Prior to Exile
Darth Yuthura

Before the Mandalorian Wars: As Malak tries to gain recruits, he faces resistance from his fellow Jedi.

Some cumbersome sentences, the phrase ‘blind they’ve been pledged from their followers‘. made no sense, though I caught the drift. Retaliate implies returning an injury. Since at this time the Republic has not been attacked, they would not be retaliating. It would be preemptive. It would have been better to say they had not mobilized, suggesting preparing for a war.

You use the word massacre a lot, and the problem is that an occupation is not a massacre. Unless the Mandalorians are actively committing mass murder not war, it is improper usage. As an example, the Nazis did commit massacres, but the war was not one no matter how many countries they occupied.

The story does have some flow problems, but that’s an editing problem. Where the statements are cumbersome, say them out loud to listen to how they sound.

The basics are good. The story has an edge of the cliff feel to it.

Legacy of the Jedi
Rueben Shan

Set 1500 years before ROTS: A young Jedi must return home after a curious summons.

The story is well thought out, and flows well.

Technical: The main problem I had was with one scene. Picture this:

Prince Henry of England has been ordered home from Tokyo by his father. The commanding officer of the yacht in full Royal Navy uniform greets him. When asked about his accent he says he is American, and wore the Royal Navy uniform to make the Prince feel comfortable.

What is wrong with this picture? It would have been better to say she was wearing a pilot’s uniform of Onderoni design, since that is more generic and does not suggest a direct military connection, since after all, you can buy a flight suit anywhere.

But except for that, well done.

Pick of the Week

Umbral Tide: Prologue: The Stake Awaits

NonSW: An execution is only the beginning.

What can I say?

Pick of the Week

For Gallifrey

NSW: The Doctor gets recalled… but why?

Welcome back Alkonium. The only problem with the piece is it isn’t long enough.


Three Night Stand

KOTOR in Davik’s stronghold: For three days Canderous and Revan have to pretend…

The piece is well done, covering what is probably the most unlikely part of the game, and does it well.

Pick of the Week

True Allies
Darth Casie

TSL at Malachor V: The Exile must fight one more attack from Kreia with a little help from her friends.

The script format did make it difficult to read, but the dialogue and action made up for that. Well done.

The Tomb on Korriban

TSL: A long wait is worth it.

One of the people who commented called this ’how I met your mom’ and I have to agree. The piece did have a few problems already addressed by others, but on the whole it was a bit of light fluff worth looking at.

Strong Bonds
Breena Quee

PostTSL: On Dantooine in the ruins of the Jedi Academy, The future for the order begins.

You had the wrong words sometimes. Continence (Self Restraint) instead of countenance (Facial expression) for example. The things wrong with it are easily corrected by editing and polishing.

That said, the story is a jewel well worth reading. The jump from reminiscence to present were smoothly done, the story compelling. As Evil Monkey said, when is part two coming out?

Pick of the Week

Kotor II[Chapter 1: Revival/Awakening/Freedom]
Danni Mison

TSL On Peragus: A retelling of the first section of the game

A good if generic retelling of the first part of the game. What it is missing is character development and emotional content. Needs polish in that regard.

Ice Roses: Winter

Post TSL: A survivor joins Revan and later the Exile in their search.

The story is well done, intriguing in it’s portrayal of the main characters from outside. There is no description of Winter, but that did not detract from the rest of it.

Pick of the Week

To The Brink, Chapter 1

TSL On Dantooine: The Exile swears vengeance by the bodies of the dead masters…

The scene is compelling, and definitely not just a repeat of the scene from the game. The way it was told was smooth and crisp, and burying them as she did nicely done.

Pick of the week

Motivations: Meveri
Delasaer Chval

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Why did she go back?

The work was well done though it needed polishing. The argument felt a bit contrived, but went well anyway.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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