Thread: [Fic] Survivour
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Old 10-10-2008, 07:37 AM   #15
Bee Hoon
@Bee Hoon
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
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What's kohenada? And I think you mean permacrete, not percamete

Practicing on a plain seems like a pretty big risk to me: an unobstructed view from all sides, plus a lightsaber which surely would stand out. Why does he have a personal ship? I'm also a bit ambivalent about the design of his lightsaber.

Mmm, there's still quite a lot of mistakes. For example->

Originally Posted by knight 12167
viscous kath hounds
I believe you meant vicious. Viscous means having a sticky consistency;p

Originally Posted by knight 12167
I was sure I would have succeeded if it was not for the traitorous Sywalker slight hum and a hiss of air were the only thing that warned me of the attack.
Did you mean to separate this into two sentences?

Originally Posted by knight 12167
I leapt back up but not before Sywalker managed to give me a light scar to my left arm.
The way I understand it, lightsabers are definitely incapable of inflicting "light scars". It's meant to be a beam of pure energy--any contact would definitely cause burns (if you're very lucky, or deep wounds.

Originally Posted by knight 12167
It was a recurring battle after that.
Recurring? :/

In the next paragraph, you abruptly addressed him as Vader. Has he announced his new title?

Originally Posted by knight 12167
He used the force to grab my light saber and formed an “X” with my neck in the middle. He then began a speech about how the jedi were feeble and weak.
The description here is pretty rough. And why not just kill him?

Originally Posted by knight 12167
t was a classic speech, as it would have fit into a holovid movie perfectly.
Now there's an interesting thought. Does the Star Wars universe have movies about Jedi and Sith?

Jedi reflexes! Skywalker allowing himself to be caught off guard, even with the child's warning?

Originally Posted by knight 12167
While I was leaning against a bunk laughing my head off Sywalker picked up his light saber and threw it at the youngling.
Why didn't he attack Anakin at that moment?

Originally Posted by knight 12167
“Your next jedi scum”.
"You're next, Jedi scum". Besides that, the word seems to be pretty popular

Originally Posted by knight 12167
While deep in thought in the peace of my home I wonder what would have happened if the gun hadn’t been set to stun the poor child’s head rolled to the floor. Vader leapt up and said to me in a menacing voice.
In this sentence, you seem to jump from one time period to another. Clarification would be good.

Originally Posted by knight 12167
I knew it was cowardly but at that point I ran. I pushed the child’s corpse at Skywalker which stunned him.
Was he next to the child's corpse? Why did it stun him? Why didn't Anakin just throw his lightsaber at him and kill him?

Even if you haven't managed to get someone to beta read it for you, you could always read, re-read and polish yourself in the meantime (which is what I used to do). Meanwhile, try to rationalize everything that happens. The whole Star Wars universe may be a suspension of disbelief, but we still expect it to work within certain rules. Do keep this in mind, and keep writing!

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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