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Old 10-10-2008, 08:01 PM   #898
Darth_Yuthura
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Status: Banned
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Vienna
Posts: 1,585
Current Game: KOTOR III
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli View Post
Coruscant Entertainment Center

Prior to Exile
Darth Yuthura

Before the Mandalorian Wars: As Malak tries to gain recruits, he faces resistance from his fellow Jedi.

Some cumbersome sentences, the phrase ‘blind they’ve been pledged from their followers‘. made no sense, though I caught the drift. Retaliate implies returning an injury. Since at this time the Republic has not been attacked, they would not be retaliating. It would be preemptive. It would have been better to say they had not mobilized, suggesting preparing for a war.

You use the word massacre a lot, and the problem is that an occupation is not a massacre. Unless the Mandalorians are actively committing mass murder not war, it is improper usage. As an example, the Nazis did commit massacres, but the war was not one no matter how many countries they occupied.

The story does have some flow problems, but that’s an editing problem. Where the statements are cumbersome, say them out loud to listen to how they sound.

The basics are good. The story has an edge of the cliff feel to it.
You are absolutely right! I never used 'preemptive' when it was EXACTLY what I needed to emphasize.

I was under the impression that the Mandalorians would enslave their victims if they had not fought to the death. Juhani described her homeworld being destroyed and made it seem as though only thousands escaped death. I'm really going off that and the Mongolian Empire's tactics of razing all resistance and oppressing those who surrender without a fight.

Thanks for the quick review. I had rushed this chapter and wanted to know what to correct before I did a revision. I have difficulty with starting a new fiction because I have to grab the reader's attention in the first post, but the flow suffers the more I have to say with fewer words.

Would you recommend that I get the words flowing the most smoothly, or will the chapter suffer by being too long? Any other advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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