Thread: [Fic] Legacy of the Jedi
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Old 10-12-2008, 12:19 PM   #16
Bee Hoon
@Bee Hoon
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
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Hmmm, not bad so far. Small errors here and there, but a quick polish would fix those

Why would the Jedi condone his attachment to his parents? It is against doctrine, and if he can't even remember them, why would they tell him who his parents are? It may be for the purpose for an alliance, but it is still doubtful that they would allow him to resume his position. How old is Leah, btw? Can't be that young, as she's already a captain. The story they invented for Garzulan's presence is kinda strained, and while it is technically possible for him to own a cantina, I'd expect him to be more ruthless in order to keep everyone in line.

THe story has a lot of potential, but it could use some editing Keep it up!

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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