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Old 10-17-2008, 01:44 AM   #900
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Umbral Tide: Chapter I: Secret Mission, Secret Ally

Non SW: Continuation of Umbral Tide, Rescue from certain death, or is it?

I find myself hoping Tsyyacha will make a mistake and write something unworthy of attention. Fat chance.

The piece smoothly segues into the ‘impossible mission’. Well done.

Pick of the Week

The Obscure Circumstances Surrounding the Death of Sir Richard Raleigh Wellesley

Non SW: A messenger delivers his message in a unique way.

Really interesting in it’s scope and style. Others have commented on the work, and mine is about the mental process of the murderer. It seems almost as if he had been programmed to commit the crime.

Pick of the Week

Chronicles of a President

Non SW: Summations, and the verdict.

A well rounded piece with good description and characterization. Well worth the read.

Welcome to the forum.

Pick of the week

Forever loved

Post TSL: The Exile seeks Revan, and despairs

A nicely strange piece kid. Oh and it’s Naiveté.

Pick of the Week

Luke Skywalker: Computer Problem

No specific period given: Luke is posting on the net for the first time…god help him.

The basic problem is that you didn’t give us much to work with. However I did notice the following; you forgot conversation breaks, there was little or no description (What was he posting for example? Was it to a fiction site, a Rebel secret domain where he could boast about his destruction of the Deathstar? Maybe even a singles site?), the wording sounds a bit cumbersome, so try smoothing it out a bit before posting.

Welcome to the forum, and as the official critic, don’t take Lynk’s words to heart. There’s always one like that.

Mand'alor: Knowledge is Power

Battle of Malachor V: The Mand’alor contemplates his coming death, and what brought his people to this.

Since they were both reviewed at the same time, I can’t say you weren’t paying attention. The same problems here. Another one I noticed is your Mandalorians are almost cardboard cutouts. Check out the excellent work by Karen Traviss who has spent a lot of time creating a society for the Mando’a. My own work had been influenced by her writing, and the language is well thought out. For example the ship would be named Mand’alor marev

Not too bad, just follow the mantra they have heard so many times; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat. Polish until smooth.


Hero's Last Journey Chapter 1

Post TSL in the Unknown Region: The Exile finds Revan… But it isn’t a fond meeting.

The piece could use some editing, primarily to smooth it out. The action is disjointed. You need to remember to describe more. All in all a good start.

Kaikuro Note:
The author recently changed names to Zephyris

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Bao-Dur’s nightmares draws the Exile to heal his pain.

Problems with the wrong words sometimes, you have exhaust instead of exhaustion for example. The only real problem I saw with it was having the same statement repeated three times in back to back sentences, as if the subject was either unwilling or unable to understand without repetition

That being said the angst was well done, the imagery so well done I wish I could do as well.

Pick of the Week

Master and Apprentice

At the beginning of the Jedi Intervention: Kavar tries to convince his apprentice not to go to war

This was like a diamond on display, cut and faceted with care, trimmed down to perfection. I have read the companion piece Defying Gravity and it is a perfect gem to set beside it.

Pick of the Week

The Paths We Take: Part I- Love's Sacrifice

Post KOTOR: Revan must face her demons alone

The piece was great because there is so much backstory filled in that once the next chapter begins, we have a firm footing to fit the puzzle together. One of the most interesting views not only of Revan’s life, but those around her as well.

Pick of the Week

When they were young: Of Duels and Ambushes

Post TSL: A glimpse into the past of the main characters of both games

The work is missing conversation breaks which would have made it almost 3 times as long. This is an editing problem, nothing more.

Now, this was great! It was amusing seeing our heroes and villains not as the smooth trained warriors they became but as a bunch of kids making at the one point stupid mistakes. I was reminded of the Three Stooges in the last segment, and if I had the time I’d love to read every morsel of this one.

Pick of the week

More than an Exile, Prologue--Exiled

TSL On Coruscant: Retelling of the verdict that created the exile.

A few problems with homonyms (You caught the Their/They’re one, but did you catch the hear instead of here?) but nothing a simple edit will not cure.

A basic run through of the scene, but spiced by making the character more alive with movement, angst, and thought. Very well done.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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