Thread: [Fic] Prior to Exile
View Single Post
Old 10-18-2008, 07:11 AM   #17
Bee Hoon
@Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
Bee Hoon's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
Forum Veteran  Veteran Fan Fic Author  LFN Staff Member  Helpful! 
There are minor spelling errors, such as Yuchanis instead of Yusanis, Couriscant instead of Coruscant, not to mention the grammatical errors, but I think a quick readthrough would be sufficient for you to pick them up. The idea of how they consciously used body language to convey their meanings was interesting, but if both of them were playing at the same game, such nonverbal cues would be less effective. Ah, you did address that. The bit about Revan and Malak trying to prepare for the war by whatever means is nice, but Alex's conflict could use some polishing. Imho, the story would do better if the narrative had a greater sense of urgency to it. And try not to use the phrase "preying on compassion" too many times

Btw, the first few paragraphs of Chapter 3 are duplicated;p Why do you say that Coruscant will likely never have to worry about the threat? You implied that Chin'taka was near a crucial route which could lead them straight to Coruscant. It is being short-sighted to ignore the Mandalorians, but yes, they would inevitably cause concern.

Try using dejarik instead, just for that Star Wars feel

I liked how you alluded to her being the only one who would stand up to Master Vrook, or to Revan. It's a great flourish, but some minor polishing to smoothen it out would add a lot more impact.

I'm still not quite sure of why Alex wanted to inform Malak though--could you clarify? Besides that, good work! The machine of war begins sputtering to life :X

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: