Originally Posted by Bee Hoon
Try using dejarik instead, just for that Star Wars feel
I liked how you alluded to her being the only one who would stand up to Master Vrook, or to Revan. It's a great flourish, but some minor polishing to smoothen it out would add a lot more impact.
I'm still not quite sure of why Alex wanted to inform Malak though--could you clarify? Besides that, good work! The machine of war begins sputtering to life :X
If I used dejarik, I lose the checkmate situation that I really want to have properly done. I know chess isn't in SW, but I don't know dejarik's version that would work and people would understand.
Spelling is a concern, yes, but only when it comes to names. I think Coronet and Coruscant are close to the same, so it would matter there.
I have a few repetitions because that's the way people speak from time to time. I will have a few deliberate grammar errors in verbal text to make it more 'realistic.' Such as "Everyone tells (themselves) that." "I'm trying to save the (lives) of every hostage in that room!"
Alexandra is only telling Alek because she wants to keep her options open. She thinks he and Revan are doing the right thing, but is only trying to keep their plan from being ruined. Beyond that, she has no loyalties to either side.
Thanks for reading.