Thread: [Fic] Legacy of the Jedi
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:07 AM   #36
Bee Hoon
@Bee Hoon
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
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The King seems to speak very informally (e.g. this guy)! Javen seems very bossy for a teenager and a Jedi

Originally Posted by Rueben Shan
why have you become so… infatuated with me recently?
May I suggest using the word obsessed instead?

“Alright. But isn’t there anything we can do to prevent this from happening?” Javen asked.
For one thing, they could guard him instead of going to the cantina!

She had on a black apron, over her bright pink night clothing.
Why? I don't think she'd stop to cook if she was i such a rush that she didn't even change out of her pajamas!

When Javen told them, shock and anger flitted quickly across their faces, before they masked it behind apathy.
Why did they do so?

Javen put his head in his hands and sat there, motionless for about an hour.
Everyone just sat there for an hour, not doing anything? ;p

In a nutshell, an eventful chapter! You still have not revealed where Javen got the holocron from, and he seems remarkably blase about it. I know I'd be pretty darned surprised if a Sith holocron popped up in my backpack And I'd like to know who put it there, so that serious words will be had! There's minor grammatical errors here and there, but the plot seems to be shaping up nicely. It would be nice to see Leah and Garzulan react more to what happens to Javen, as they're both quite endearing Keep it up, and don't forget to proofread!

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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