Thread: [Fic] Survivour
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Old 10-23-2008, 07:12 AM   #22
Bee Hoon
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
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Quote:
Originally Posted by knight 12167
He didn’t get the chance to finish the sentence as I had pulled him towards my freshly activated light saber, but I imagine the sentence wouldn’t have ended in “Dearie me,’
This made me giggle

I like the idea of him turning to alcohol to ease his misery.

Quote:
[(I could see that even though he had a seen many terrors that night he was still trying to suck me in, in a jedi like way.
Suck me in? And you forgot to close the brackets too, btw

Quote:
About 4 days after the attack we began to get the hyperspace sickness called Scurvy. We had spent more than the specified three day limits set by the Interplanetary Health Foundation in hyperspace. So, after quite a bit of retching I set the nav computer towards the nearest planet: Tatooine.
This is an interesting concept. Could you elaborate further?

There's still some mistakes, but Andurilblade seems to have helped tremendously. The last chapter doesn't really have the urgency of the earlier chapters, but I suppose they could use a break after all that has happened. Also, when using ellipses, three periods "..." suffice Your wiritng does have a lot of potential--just keep practicing and rereading everything to pick out any errors and improve the flow. I'm looking forward seeing what trouble they'll get into next!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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