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Old 10-24-2008, 01:04 AM   #905
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Descending into Revan's Shadow (Ending to 'Prior to Exile')
Darth Yuthura

The Mandalorian War to Exile told backwards: The Exile reacts to the council decision.

There’s some missing punctuation. Several times you had the character ask questions, but left out the question marks. I think you’re having the same problem here that I am having with a couple of things right now, you’re letting you words run ahead of you. Slow down just a bit, and remember to edit.

The piece is good because you get a lot more emotion from this than you get from the game. You have everyone getting into it, some surprising you with their vitriol.

Pick of the week

Umbral Tide: Chapter II: The Vagabond's Inn

Non SW: 3rd segment of Umbral Tide, a stay at an inn adds to the party.

The story is good as are the basics. The only problem is people are joining the party a bit too readily. I make the same kind of mistake some times, so it’s no biggie.

The Exiles final fate

400 years after TSL: The Exile despairs for the Republic

The piece does have a lot of mistakes, but you knew that coming in. It needed editing more than anything, since you used to many homonyms. Remember, reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished

Oh and about a month ago, I reviewed Darth Betrayal’s Fire Against Fire . At his request, I am doing a quick review of it again.

The work still needs polishing primarily because you’re accepting criticism in a haphazard manner but there is improvement. The actions of the ‘Rebels’ in the attack cleared a lot of the problems I had mentioned with the military situation because of the sneak attack.

Technical note: As much as others were appalled by the killing of the prisoners, it should be remembered that in guerilla warfare you do not have the capability to keep prisoners, and you must deny the enemy any data you may.


Chapter 1: Destiny's Door

Post TSL: It is time to say goodbye…

The piece caught me unawares, and that is always a good thing to my mind. I hate when I can almost tell you what is going to happen next. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

Mandalore: Deja vu All Over Again

After Malachor V: Mandalore considers the aftermath from a pragmatic view.

The piece has the dry commentary you might expect from Canderous, detailing the frantic escape from Malachor V. His last question in it’s own way is chilling, but perfectly rational.

Pick of the week

Academy Sickness

TSL on Telos: The affects of a mind probe.

The writing style is good, the additions to the standard dialogue excellent. The scene with Atton superb. Worth reading.

An Exile's Exile

Mandalorian wars: A little back story for both the Exile and Bao-Dur.

A rather simple story but the basics are good and the story interesting enough to keep reading. The idea of a Zabrak Exile was interesting.

Star Wars: Reunion, Chapter 1: The Exile

2.5 years after KOTOR: Revan leaves to go in search of the greater threat, and later events lead the Exile into her confrontation which will lead to a reunion.

The story is well done, the situation well defined. Worth reading.

Pick of the Week.

"You'd Better Mean It"

TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk after Citadel station: Atton teaches Pazaak…

The piece is good because we get a better look at what Atton is really like. The author makes him something more than the scoundrel he is called.

Pick of the Week

Duality, Chapter 1

TSL After Malachor V: Resting from the climactic battle, the Exile feels something more than relaxation is in order.

The story is well written, the descriptions excellent. Very good all around work.

Pick of the week

The Perfect Remedy
Knight Pepper

TSL Alternate Universe: Atton goes out of his way to teach…Pazaak?

An interesting story. Since I added Sasha to KOTOR, I understand the fun involved. Worth reading and definitely amusing.

Pick of the Week

General, My General

The Mandalorian War: What if the bonds are what caused the Exile’s pain in the force?

The author tackled two different difficult themes. Bao-Dur as the primary male interest, and the comment I made in my blurb above. There is some excess data before they meet, but I would make few suggestions. This is some excellent work.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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