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Old 10-30-2008, 11:23 PM   #906
machievelli
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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As a critic I've been having a problem with the center because when they dumped the outer rim into the mix I had about a hundred (My estimate) stories that should be reviewed and haven't been. So I'm taking two weeks off to go through the entire CEC from start to finish and post one comment to each thread so I can tell where my reviews left off. Of course if someone wanted to go through them for me I wouldn't complain...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Blood for Freedom
Lord Spitfire

Planet Taris during the Mandalorian wars: Rioting and a quiet killing presage the possibility of invasion.

Some cumbersome sentences, As an example ‘A black cloak was donned over his leather suit, a dark hood casting a shadow over his face’ would have read better as ‘He had donned a black cloak over his leather suit, the hood casting a shadow over his face ‘ Fewer words, clearer picture.

The only problem I saw was word usage (You used donned twice, once correctly, then again in an incorrect manner) but these are editing problems.

Welcome back.

Umbral Tide: Chapter III: Stories and Suspicions
Tysyacha

Non SW: Continuation of Umbral Tide, the companions learn more about each other as they travel on.

The story is flowing nicely, the background good. I agreed with one reviewer who commented that they enjoyed the mage being a jester when young. I agree.

Pick of the week.

Dances with Fear
LordOfTheFish

No specific era: A lone Jedi Padawan struggles to survive.

Not much to go on just yet. You jumped from present to past tense in the first few paragraphs. And used the wrong words (It’s ration and tired instead of tired) sometimes, but that is why I tell people to reread and edit.

Let’s see more.

Rift
Endorenna


No specific time given: The rift begins between the Jedi and what will be called the Sith.

I was stunned, kid. A very interesting take on how the Sith came to be. Creating the code of the Sith there was also an interesting touch.

Pick of the Week

The Training of Jacen Karr – A Pupil of Vrook Lamarr
Marius Fett

Before the Jedi enter the Mandalorian wars: A young Jedi learns at the hands of a hard task master.

My primary problem is word usage. Eminate is spelled emanate. When using measurements, try to stick with one scale so use either metric (Used through most of the books). Also, while meter and metre are both valid spellings, they are not usually considered interchangeable. It would be like calling a lightsaber a lightsabre, also proper, but not consistent together.

The basics and story are very good, and made interesting reading.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Lucky Number Atton - 01 - There was a time
Kneph

No specific time given after KOTOR: An old man in a bar decides to tell his story.

An interesting piece. Not much to go on but worth a look.

Goodbye To You
WarriorDrgnMage

Some wrong words, Counsel (Advise) instead of Council. The major problems both with content and storyline have already been addressed by other reviewers.

No Name Jedi
Moonmythology

During TSL: The Exile remembers when she had to be saved.

The story is a bit disjointed, which is an editing problem nothing more. Part of the problem is while we know we will never learn the name of the Jedi who is the tormentor, I did have problems following the train of thought.

It was interesting work. Keep working.

Five Jedi Secrets
AkroOrka

During TSL: AU version of the events leading up to the Jedi Civil war

While defined as AU, I liked the way it flowed. The idea that the Council made serious mistakes that actually exacerbated the situation is even better. The only one I disagreed with was that battle between the returning Jedi and the Republic, but hey, that’s just me.

Pick of the Week

A series of awkward moments...
Griet Mutnojmet

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: One thing can lead to another even funnier.

I won’t comment on the grammar because so many other have. Having used typewriter, Wordperfect, Works for word, Word in four different incarnations and Open office, the one thing I can tell you is remember to edit by eye always. One way is use the print review in the document program for one, though AthenePrime is correct as well.

That said it was a riot. The idea that Canderous got a girl, just not ‘the’ girl was fun too.

Pick of the Week

The Darkness Within
Jenivus De Clan

During the Jedi Civil War: A young girl goes on a mission that will lead to another’s redemption.

The piece was compelling, giving you a very good look at what Atton was like, and the life of that girl unnamed in the story that died to redeem him. While I can see Czerka being condemned for illegal practices, claiming they ‘fund’ the Sith was a stretch, but a minor complaint.

I can think of only one thing to say to show exactly how good I thought this was;

Pick of the week, and best of the best for this week.

Into The Void
Jenivus De Clan

After Malachor V: The Exile flashes back through her life, and what is to come.

The piece fills in a great deal of that past, and makes me wish I had time to read every chapter. However, reviewing the sites I do does not leave me that time. A pity.

Pick of the week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 10-31-2008 at 12:47 AM.
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