View Single Post
Old 11-05-2008, 12:52 PM   #6
Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
 
Bee Hoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
Forum Veteran Veteran Fan Fic Author LFN Staff Member Helpful! 
Ooh, very interesting story, made all the better by how it intersects with the game! I wonder whether Yan-Ze is Jenos' son. He seems like a very interesting character. I do hope you expand on the idea of the Death Pact! Nevertheless, there's a few errors here and there (notably where Vandar thinks that both plans have a "good" chance of succeeding--if it's good, then why is he worried?). Besides that, I'm finding it a little hard to imagine farms on Taris because of the city covering the entire surface. It would also be great if you explain how their shuttle evaded the Sith fleet orbiting Taris at the time of the bombardment; if I remember correctly, they were destroying any ships attempting to escape the destruction. All in all, an excellent start and I do hope that you continue!



The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,