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Old 11-13-2008, 11:25 PM   #918
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Cause for Celebration

After the Climactic battle in KOTOR: A drunken Revan did what?

The piece was light and fun, though predictable (Don’t feel too bad, kid; I hate it when professionals do something I know they are going to do) but the last three paragraphs caused me to grin because I didn’t expect lightning to strike twice!

A Galaxy in Time

Starting in PreKOTOR times: The Star Forge and Revan are thrown into the future.

The piece has problems with pacing primarily. Things happen way too fast from start to finish. Smooth it down, edit and try to make it both longer and smoother in the transitions between scenes.

The basics are good, though I would have to define it as AU. The reasons are given below.

Technical: The biggest problem with time travel stories is if you take some thing major (The Star Forge, USS Nimitz as in the Final Countdown) you can drastically change what will or did happen. As an example, the captain of USS Nimitz in Final Countdown was worried because the ship’s air wing by themselves could have easily destroyed the entire fleet attacking pearl harbor. Not just most of them, all of them. Then they could have done the same for the entire Japanese navy of 1941.

By the same token, take that example in reverse, as they did in ‘Yesterday’s Enterprise’. A ship goes forward, and the universe changes, now the galaxy is at war, a war that would not have happened if the other Enterprise had stood and fought. But you will notice the only one who noticed the change was Guinan.

There would have been history that the Sith Empire then collapsed for reasons unknown. Not that it had suddenly returned.

Umbral Tide: Chapter IV: The Root of the Problem

Non SW Fiction: A possible answer for what is happening.

The piece is good, the animosity between the Elven clans well done and at the same time, the reasoning behind it well challenged. Keep uo the good work.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Legacy: The Haunted House

The piece is relatively well done. My only complaint is it is too much like a typical Halloween house of horrors.

I wrote an article now in the Expert’s forum ( The Expert’s forum post 118 concerning it.

Astor Kaine

Non SW: A young boy trains and dreams.

The basics are good, as is the characterization. My only question is how much training the boy had undertaken, since from the clues I would assume he had never held a sword before.

Girls night out.
Chevron 7 Locke

TSL at Citadel Station: A girl’s night out leads to…

I thought it was interesting from the start. Two people who are sudden death on two feet getting into a drunken bar fight, then escaping it.

The ending made me want to laugh, because I’m picturing two people finding a bunch of kid’s rings (Usually made from plastic mind) waking up with a kid’s ring on, thinking they did get married…

My question is this, did they actually get married or do they only think they got married?

Pick of the week


The Necessary Evil - Chapter 1
Ana Christina

Beginning of KOTOR: The beginning of the adventure seen from the point of view of the main characters.

Watch out for homonyms (Troupe usually used for actors instead of troops, meaning soldiers)

The backstory sections were excellent as were all but one of the segues, which I addressed below in technical notes.

Technical notes: First, you’ve made the crew of Endar Spire look either green or incredibly stupid allowing an enemy fleet and fighter squadron to lurk up on them. It happens, but after all of the war the Republic had been in unlikely. My suggestion would be something they could have used for cover, a moon or magnetic anomaly that hid them until too late.

Melee is merely a type of battle where the enemy is too close to shoot usually, and includes bayonets, knives, entrenching tools, your hands even rocks. Remember that there is no such thing as a ‘melee’ class. In the Army they call it hand to hand or knife fighting.

All in all the story is well worth the read, and your characterizations made it even better.

Pick of the Week

Arkana's Story

Post TSL: The search for lost Jedi finds something unexpected

Except for the one comment already addressed by someone else I have only one thing to say; remember to edit and polish. There are points where the story could use that.

That being said, the work is outstanding. The back story both of the woman they were looking for and Atton’s past is so well done I can visualize it as if it is happening. Worth reading more than once. I wish I had time to read everything that follows.

Pick of the Week.


TSL On Dantooine: An explanation about lies from someone very good at them…

I have to agree, for someone to whom English is a foreign language, it is excellent. The basics are good, the story line well laid out. The discussion about how to lie is so well done I didn’t even notice any deficiency.

Pick of the Week.

The Disciple Part I

TSL on Dantooine: The Disciple remembers…

The biggest problem you’re having is jumping tenses, past to present and back again. You also have the tendency to forget conversation breaks when the speaker changes. Both are editing problems, easily corrected.

The basics are good and having the Disciple not only as a main character, but also one that we can care about is interesting.

The Sky Was Full Of Stars

TSL on Dantooine: The Exile considers her past and her dreams.

The piece did tend to get disjointed, but that was because you had a character who seemed to have no grasp of mathematics yet was trying to keep the game going anyway. The background was good though.

Second Impression

TSL On Peragus: An old reunion… even of only one of them remembers

The story is well laid out, the background from Atton’s view even better.

Pick of the Week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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