Thread: [Fic] The Devil Within
View Single Post
Old 12-06-2008, 09:56 AM   #7
Bee Hoon
@Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
Bee Hoon's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
Forum Veteran  Veteran Fan Fic Author  LFN Staff Member  Helpful! 
To make up for being constantly left behind for A Dark Path, I shall now give you a super long review (which unfortunately will probably be nitpicky. Poke me if you object!)
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
...desecrating it of its taint.
Hmm, I don't think desecrating is the right word to use here. It's already tainted, and he's not about to change that!
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
He sent the mind of this pathetic ‘Sith’ into the plain of nothingness.
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
...the Force Sensitive’s that...
Sensitive's=sensitives. Ditto with users later in the paragraph.
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
here were some times that he could barely look himself in the eye.
Anatomically speaking, I can see why that would be a problem
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
It was a threat.
Why was it a threat? It sounds cold, yes, but not threatening, imho.
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
The three of them dodged and one came running at Jonas.
Why didn't all of them come running?
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
Rolling to the die,
Could you clarify? I'm afraid that I don't get this.
Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
of her feet.

As usual, your DS exile is pretty creepy! I liked the bit about how he wanted them to experience 'nothingness', as well as how he feels nothing but contempt for them. I would have liked to see more of his relationship with Kreia, because she is such a badass character I wonder where you'll take this story

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
Bee Hoon is offline   you may: quote & reply,