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Old 01-24-2009, 09:56 AM   #5
Bee Hoon
@Bee Hoon
ngom ngom ngom
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 1,269
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Mmm, surprisingly good despite its length (or lack thereof ). There's errors in spelling and some awkward sentences, but the basic idea is solid. The sparse descriptions seem to suit the overall tone, although I admit that I generally prefer fics with more descriptions. A bit more elaboration would be nice, but it works well, as he seems weary and he seems to have followed this train of thought countless times. All in all, a good effort and keep writing!

The sun goes down and the sky reddens, pain grows sharp.
light dwindles. Then is evening
when jasmine flowers open, the deluded say.
But evening is the great brightening dawn
when crested cocks crow all through the tall city
and evening is the whole day
for those without their lovers

-Kuruntokai 234, translated by A.K. Ramanujan

[Fic] Shreds of a Dying Belief
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