Thread: [Fic] The Devil Within
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Old 01-27-2009, 11:05 PM   #30
Emalin
I is YOUR DOOM
 
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Deep space
Posts: 169
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
I just read all of this today. Very, very, VERY good!!! I absolutely love your Exile, all the way down to his name. ("Jonas" = awesome) As for the story itself, my favorite part had to be the first. All that delicious darkness! I loved Jonas' and Visas' interaction in the second part; very sweet. In the final part, however, Kreia's dialogue struck me as being too light-hearted for that scene. It hit a note of humor when I'm not sure it was intended.

A comment on grammar: in dialogue, when you have just a single line all by its onesies, with no tags or anything... i.e.:

"And you were unlike any student of mine,"

Always end the sentence with a period, not a comma. Commas should be used only when the sentence is followed by a tag, such as "Kreia said."

All in all, excellent work!




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Last edited by Emalin; 01-28-2009 at 12:31 PM.
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