View Single Post
Old 04-08-2009, 07:43 PM   #49
Senior Member
jrrtoken's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,995
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi View Post
The butterfly is implied with the perching and fluttering and the wing-like structure of many leaves. Rhythm automatically is a form of order, so 'proving order to chaos' becomes superfluous. Swirling winds are typically unpredictable flows of wind, so changing that phrase cut 2 words. I cut out just shy of 30% of the words without losing the meaning or the emotional tone. A poet probably could make it even more compact but just as poetic.
I don't believe that condensing an ideal into smaller units really enhances or clarifies the message within. In fact, I find that using as many adjectives as possible often enhances the message, especially with something extremely creative. To take a page from Jack Kerouac:
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes ahh...
Now, if you take out, let's say seven adjectives, for starters, would the message stay the same as the original? Using a multitude of varying terms not only gets the message across, but also creates a stylized pattern, a form of art, if you will.
jrrtoken is offline   you may: quote & reply,