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Old 08-29-2009, 01:02 AM   #1047
Darth Kalverys
@Darth Kalverys
Dark Lord
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Dromund Kaas
Posts: 650
Originally Posted by machievelli View Post
Coruscant Entertainment Center

Curse of the Star Forge

Post KOTOR: The resurrected Dark Lord begins his conquest

Some cumbersome sentences. ĎAlthough it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing in front of,í would have been better as ĎAlthough it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing,í. That being said, all in all it was an excellent first attempt.

The one thing I have consistently hated about Star Wars has been that the bad guys are always completely bad. So irredeemably evil that even Jedi canít see ways to redeem them. Anakin goes from fearing for Padmeís life to slaughtering children. From loving her to trying to murder her. In KOTOR you donít even have the chance to redeem Malak, itís only kill or be killed.

I considered this; assume Padme dies giving birth. Obi Wan hides the children, but then, contacts Vader meets him alone, then tells him the truth, but only that Padme died at his hands, and there are children. Instead of spending eighteen to twenty odd years crushing resistance, could he, the same man who gave his life to save his now adult son, have continued on that course? Could he have been redeemed then?

Welcome to the forum. What I say next has rarely been said to someone on their first attempt.

Pick of the Week.

Mission Vao's Birthday Bash
Chevron 7 locke

KOTOR on Manaan: A birthday party is thrown for the youngest crew member.

Tys was right, I did laugh at this one. Picturing Bastila drunk and wanting a bed time story, the comments from everyone on the stone, all were choice and fit the characters.

For just a moment, I was considering that the message stone might have been a form of holocron, so I also pictured this little voice in the back ground plaintively saying; ĎOw, ow, ow, will you please stop cutting at me?í.

Pick of the Week

Mandalore Wars: The Four Jedi Generals
Ashnan Corri

PreKOTOR: The people who would later lead the Republic forces gather.

Itís wary (alert) instead of weary (Tired). The reaction of the Master when he heard that Revan had gone to see the holocron felt a bit off, as if he were indifferent.

The characterization is good if a bit stilted. Your name sake isnít even noticed until he and Alek square off. Of them all, only he seems to be the voice of reason.

How to Suckceed at Chess Without Really Trying

NonSW: A lighter side view of chess.

I always like Terri Pratchettís take on chess best. In one of this book, a character commented mentally that if all the pawns worked together, the board would be a Republic in eight moves.


NonSW: The world suddenly faces music again

As far as scripting goes it flowed well, but there wasnít enough of the drab world youíre trying to change to get a feel for it.


PreKOTOR: Dvyx faces Master Vrook

It was interesting looking into the head of a student fighting a master and wishing she could win. She came across as a bit whiny, worrying more about the fairness of the bout than anything else at that time. Since we never heard the call to cease, I was left wondering if Vrook had called it so he wouldnít lose, rather than because he was done.


Light Side Female Exile

Catching up the past

Remember conversation breaks. You used scow (old decrepit boat) when I think you meant cow. Changed tense by using surprise instead of surprised. Itís get brainwashed not got brainwashed, Preventing (Stop) instead of Prevending (Before sales)

That being said, when I saw the comment about translating in your head, I understand some of the mistakes above. As I told another young writer a couple of years ago, I donít speak a second language well enough to try to write in them. On the whole the work is pretty good. Itís been a long time since I have seen a fiction work in third person, so it was a refreshing change.

A Jedi, or Something Like It
TSL en route from Nar Shadaa to Onderon: Atton grows in his use of the Force with a gentle hand.

I think you meant I promise you that much instead of I swear you that much. When you said individual I think you meant sentient or alive. Attuned instead of attune.

The piece is a quiet introspective work, allowing you to see the inner workings of his mind as he grows toward the confrontations ahead. Well done.

Pick of the Week

You are my opposite
Revan Sama

TSL: The Exile considers why she followed Revan.

The piece was missed because I thought it was poetry rather than a story. However I noticed that I was mistaken, sorry RS. The play of opposition was well done, showing all od the things that are different, but below that all of the things that drew the woman after him like a moth to a flame.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side Male Revan

The Force Shall Set Me Free
Darth Naughtious

PreKOTOR: As Revan confronts Bastila, he finds himself faltering as the dark lord

The piece was excellent, feeding us Revanís thoughts in bite sized chunks. The path he had taken to this point is lovingly laid out, and having him awaken on the Endar Spire is a perfect place to end it.

Pick of the Week

Dark Empire -Jenesis- Part 1, Glimmer of Hope

PostTSL: With the threat looming, the Jedi begin a frantic search for more Jedi.

Itís imminent (anticipated), rather than immanent (remaining within), read out rather than read-up. Donít worry about it, these are editing problems. James Patterson commented in one of his more recent books that the character saw three different print newsmen make the same mistake as number one above.

The arguments were refreshing; The idea that the new council would decide to allow marriages was a foregone conclusion, primarily because few of them had been Jedi under the old order. Yet you can see the resistance from the old guard.

The Magnificent Mr. Rakata!
Elwin Ransom

KOTOR Post Korriban: Inside the Rakata box

I was almost ready to click on by because I tend to detest stories tired too directly to the game itself, but I read on.

And Iím glad I did. Having the alter ego of Revan be a version of Peter Griffin from Family guy was choice, and Bastila in love with the dope even though he is a moron was cute. Escaping the box by reloading the most recent save hilarious. My only question is this:

Is he going to be dumb enough to try it again?

Pick of the Week
Ashnan is spending the night and he is sitting next to me right now... And he wants to say this, though I advised him against it, but he likes to speak his mind. *cough* *cough* *loser* *cough* *cough*... Ow! He just hit me... but anyway...

He says and I quote... "I spelled weary as wary, but it looked wrong to me."

Oh and sorry we quoted the whole post, we're on my phone and I could figure how to erase all but his post without taking 70 years to do so.
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