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Old 09-07-2009, 06:41 PM   #4
Darth InSidious
A handful of dust.
 
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: The Eleven-Day Empire
Posts: 5,765
Current Game: KotOR II
Quote:
Originally Posted by machievelli View Post
Shipboard definition

The team entered through the door into the cargo bay, running to the door into the ship. They split, one heading left, another right in the hallway...

What is wrong with that paragraph?
If you must ask ( ), the word "door" is repeated, it doesn't read particularly pleasantly and it's devoid of spark. I blame this post entirely on you, mach, and on you alone.

Oh, the passage also has two consecutive entrances both constructed in the same way, and mismatched description with those going left having no clear explanation as to what is left.



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