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Old 10-09-2009, 12:07 PM   #1070
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Alora's Salvation
Shuttle Atlantis

Set in Jedi Academy II: Having been defeated yet again, Alora contemplates changing her future

Considering how most of the Dark, Jedi, Sith, Reborn whatever act, this is a refreshing change. To consider that maybe you had wasted your life and needed to find another path is something you expect of a Jedi or any real person.

Good work, and welcome to the forum.


Light Side Male Exile

War Stories

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk en route to Korriban: A sleepless night draws out the reason for it.

The piece is soft, gentle, almost loving in it’s treatment of nightmares caused by a war. We always knew the Exile and Bao Dur had them, but it’s surprising to discover that Atton had been in the same hell at Malachor, and has as many nightmares as the others.

Pick of the Week

Heavenly Rewards

TSL after Malachor V: Fleeting glimpses of Mira’s life after the mission

The piece is a little too sad for me. Mira drifts through it as if she is still in a coma until the end, going through the motions of life rather than having one.

En Media Res

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The crew takes the Ebon Hawk back from the slavers

The fight scene was brisk and well laid out. The snippy attitude of Brianna a bit much, but her reaction to Visas is perfect for a jealous woman.

A Gathering Storm, Chapter 1
Calan Qel Droma

PostTSL aboard Ebon Hawk after Malachor V: The Exile gives his last orders

The piece flowed well, the orders succinct and specific. The possibility of Brianna being the love interest was unrequited, but we understand as he speaks with Visas. Nicely done.

A Wound in the Force, Chapter 1

PreMandalorian war: A parting as one goes to war

The basics are good, the argument more for form than anything else. The primary reason I hated the way the Jedi Council reacted to the war was after teaching for years that a Jedi’s duty is to the people, the council wasn’t willing to protect them.


PreKOTOR: With Revan Dead, the Exile sees life ahead and can’t stand it.

Several others have commented, and Freesourceful over at KFM did a basic review of it, yet still I have to comment…

You did great. The angst over the different treatment between the two is heartrending. Revan might be what parents scare their children with in later years, the Exile was merely erased from history, and that makes it even worse. Male or female, it doesn’t matter, to see someone you had followed to war vilified while you don’t even get a footnote can be painful.

Pick of the Week

Scars of Fate: Ch. 1
Lord Revan 107

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk at Dxun: The battle from Visas’ view

The piece rolls right over you, as Visas did to her opponents. The idea of using the other person’s sight was interesting, seeing herself from the Exile’s view gave the author a chance to describe not only him but Visas as well.

Pick of the Week

'Exile's Revenge' Chapter 1: Mical

PostTSL: Mical trains to rejoin the Exile

The piece is interesting in that unlike a lot of us, DN2 allows time to pass. It isn’t the few hurried weeks of Revan’s retraining or Luke’s on Dagobah. A year and a half is allowed to pass.

What I enoyed most was the idea that Vandar makes the same mistake Yoda warned against in TESB. To think the council, at his advice, sat out the Mandalorian Wars and it’s aftermath because he misread a vision. A vision not of the wars that had been fought, but a conflict beyond them both.

Technical: according to canon the Capital of Corellia is Cornet

The True War, The Search for Revan Act 1,Prologule
Xavier Timor

PostTSL: The Exile give his final orders before setting out to find Revan

Word usage problems, fith instead of fifth, most instead of must. This is an editing problem, nothing more.

The piece is bittersweet as you might expect. A parting that may end in death between a man and his comrades. The idea that a Jedi can be also a Mandalorian has not been used often. One person claimed they were diametrically opposite so it is impossible, but I for one like the idea.

Death of a God

TSL Aboard Ravager: Manda’lor tells the Exile the truth of his past.

The piece flows well and I liked not only a Mandalorian Jedi, but a Visas/Exile relationship as well. But when WinterOnasi writes something, it’s like a fine cook. It’s all good.

Technical point: The prow is another word for bow of a ship, the front. The bridge appears to be in the superstructure, not in the prow.

Pick of the Week

Pazaak Problems

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A friendly little game ends up as a full fledged brawl

This has been exhaustively reviewed by Hekata, so I see no reason to belabor the point. The basics are good if a bit trite. The ending scene was a bit over the top in cuteness. As a first work it was pretty good.

Path of the Exile: The Gift

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Dxun: A small gift heals so many wounds.

Improper word usage. It is encumberance, not cumberance. Conceit should be replaced with perhaps acceptance. These are but a few of those I noticed.

The basics and the very idea are good. The interplay between Visas and her emotions set the scene very well. A simple act of kindness spreading to affect so much more.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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