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Old 10-23-2009, 11:02 AM   #1074
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Next Crusade

Seven Years after KOTOR: Revan finally returns

The piece is a bit rough, needing some editing. The primary problem was forgetting words in sentences, something I tend to do when I am letting it flow.

I like the reunion primarily because of Bastila’s reactions. Slapping him was generic and trite, yet fit perfectly.

Welcome Back.

Light Side Female Revan

Gone For Good Chapter 1; Stir

Beginning of KOTOR: A team of room mates escapes from the Endar Spire

Avoid using game terms. For an example, Do you know what difference there is between light, medium and heavy armor? As much as the game just assigns a different point value to them, each is comprised of specific material and in some cases components. Most would merely call it armor and leave it at that.

Te writing style is relatively good, and the idea of having a team of characters from the outset interesting. Each of the three women is different enough that it has you wondering which one is the main character. It also gives Carth’s paranoia bone a bit of a twist too.

Light Side Male Exile


TSL On Telos: The Exile is sure it can’t be her…

The piece is really too short to get a grip on it. The thing that bothered me a little is that even after several years, this version of the Exile can’t understand why he was punished by the council.

Trials of the Jedi, Prologue

TSL at Malachor V: A last minute rescue

The piece is a bit stilted, the light side Exile coming off a bit darker than I would have anticipated.

Revan Sama

TSL no specific section given: Brianna tries to hold onto her love

The biggest question has yet to be answered. When is this happening, and why is he dying?

The Unknown Regions, Chapter 1- I brought him back

Post TSL: The Exile begins his journey into the Unknown Region

The story began a little odd, going to Dantooine and ending up on Coruscant instead. The scenes were disjointed, and hurried. Try to smooth it out a bit.

Republic in Arms, Chapter 1

TSL At Onderon: The Ebon Hawk arrives, causing a battle

Technical note: A military vessel is paid for and maintained by the government, not her captain. While extra weapons, shielding etc can be installed, again it is done at government sanction, not because the captain wants it. Also, remember that no matter how much you over engine a craft, it is never going to outfly smaller vessels unless there has been a radical engine technology used. As an example the Dreadnought; going from reciprocating engines to turbines gave the ship a 5 knot advantage compared with other ships of her design, which allowed two battle cruisers to outrun the German armored cruisers Scharnhorst and Gneisenau at the Battle of the Falklands.

The piece is disturbing because what you have done is caused an escalation from what the game showed in the political situation. Having a Republic fleet in a standoff would have been a perfect time for Valku to have his coup because it is proof of his contentions that the Republic would force Onderon to remain in the Republic; and would rally his people to support him.

In a little remembered bit of history, the Communists were able to use the invasion by English and American troops in early 1918 to bolster their own bid for power in Russia, claiming it was an attempt to return the Czarists to power. It caused people who had no feeling either way to choose.

Impression, Force

TSL on Dxun: Visas confronts the Exile

The piece feels like it was a free flow when you wrote it. Yo0u made the same kind of mistakes I do when that occurs;

Remember to finish words. Destroy(ing) and fool(ish), remember tense, so you have someone slid not slides. Be sure of word usage, there were odd words like rocks in a stream disrupting the flow.

The basics are good, only needing polishing.

The Tygre

Eight years PostTSL: The Exile and Revan finally return from the Unknown Regions

The piece had some problems, not finishing words, forgetting conversation breaks, that kind of thing. Editing problems, nothing more.

The scene is well portrayed, the reunion a bit stiff, but flowing well into settling into a normal life.

Pick of the Week

The Tygre

TSL on Malachor V: Kreia sees the future

The piece as others have commented, is inconsistent. The voice as one commented is not her because she’s speaking in a manner inconsistent with that character.

The basics are good, the idea interesting.

Love and Redemption: Hero's Return Part 1
Forgotten Honor

One plus years postTSL: With Revan’s return the two teams are reunited to prepare for the True Sith.

The piece is short, but every character gets their chance in the limelight. The preparations look simple, but having mission, a child running around setting up resistance movements seemed a bit much.

Blue Light

TSL: Visas goes over her life, and the sight within the Force that she uses

The piece is interesting primarily because it is odd for a woman that is blind to describe by colors.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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