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Old 10-30-2009, 10:45 AM   #1078
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Dark Legacy: Death Watch
Te Mirdala Mand'alor

Modern day: A Mandalorian declares war on a secret society

We’re already three postings into the story, and we have yet to know much about our hero. His parents are explained, even his friendship with a Yuuzhan Vong, but that is background, nothing more.

The basics are good except for one glaring technical problem. The Basilisk was explained adequately, having someone build a modernized version .just shows a love of history.

Technical: The ship is called both a dreadnought and a battle cruiser. Taking on a Mando’a fighter and some coral skippers as well reinforces the idea that it is a powerful warship. Either ship type suggests a massive vessel yet it appears to have only one crewman. Automation will do a lot of things, but with the technology we have seen so far in Star Wars running a ship that large with only one person or even a small core crew is not one of them . How large is the ship in question?


Light Side Male Revan


KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk after departing Dantooine: The crew expresses itself

The beginning was a bit slow, with Carth berating Bastila, but then it picked up and I was alternately smiling and snickering. Mission’s way of dealing with the little tiff caused me to laugh out loud, and the interplay between Bastila and Revan was amusing on too many levels to count.

Pick of the Week

This week completes the Light Side Male Exile section. Going on to Dark Side Female Revan


PostTSL: The Exile says to himself what he could never bring himself to say to her…

The piece is good work. We needed more of a time line though. Is he still off with Revan? Has he returned to find her gone?

Pick of the Week

Trials of the Jedi, Part I

A decade PreKOTOR: The young Jedi get on with an average life.

Some misspelling errors. Gatting instead of getting, the instead of they garuntee instead of guarantee.

Some technical notes. First, if you are going to have them practice without light sabers, why use vibroblades? Shoving aside an activated vibroblade would be like shoving aside a running chainsaw. Second, the Jedi are priests and monks of a religion. Because of that they would not have private quarters large enough for a party and kitchenette. You have them living in the equivalent of a modern college dorm.

Jaina Solo

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile wrestles with his past, and Kreia’s mystery

It was an interesting take on his memories, seeing the battlefield aftermath before the Mass Shadow Generator went off. More interesting was the idea that Kreia would tell him the truth, if only to erase it from his memory as soon as she was done.

A Jedi's Pet, Part I

TSL on Peragus: Two extra characters… just for spice.

The piece is fun, though I would like an explanation as to why you have bodies inside the room (Maybe the gas leak) but the Tach and Sysha survived. The sarcastic comments were cute, and having both Kreia and the Exile able to hear them was amusing. A pity I can’t read it all.


TSL on Korriban: A look at the tomb of

You probably did this in a free flow as it came down, because after the meeting with Dustil, you began to miss conversation breaks. No biggie, I do it all the time. An editing problem nothing more.

The piece is nicely dark and disturbing even though only two incidents in the tomb are covered.


Several years PreKOTOR: A young Mical meets the heroes and villains of the wars to come.

The piece was interesting and others have already criticized it, so I will only comment on style.

First, in a monastic setting those who join an order are not stripped of everything. Wealth, something that would set them apart and cause jealousy, yes. But since the Force is such a personal thing, everyone reaching and achieving on a different curve, stripping them of identity is insulting. This does not mean calling them by title or merely boy or girl would not happen, just that it would not be a ‘you are youngling, and he is apprentice’ caste structure.

Second, all we see these younglings doing is playing like a bunch of average kids. Perhaps like a modern day elementary school there are recess periods which would make more sense but a modern school has to balance the energy of someone not used to sitting around for hours at a time so that they learn but don’t start causing problems in class. But even that, considering the things they could be learning in a possible Jedi training atmosphere would more likely channel that energy more efficiently than a simple recess.

I do like that you made the Disciple a person rather than a cardboard cut out.

In Five Hundred Words or Less . . .

PreKOTOR: A teenaged Exile is questioned about his essay.

The piece is dark and serious there for a while, but perfect in that the phrase did give him the right to use only four words. His arguments were well reasoned and cogent, his statement that you have to see both sides of the equation reasonable.

I especially loved his explanation as to why he spent time with the younglings because it is the one part most writers ignore, or carry too far, suggesting they are taken as babies in one published book. Take a child from everything he’s known and dump him into another completely different, and the comment about fight or flight fits perfectly.

Pick of the Week

The Weight of Glory: Prologue
Elwin Ransom

TSL on Malachor V: The remnants of our heroes try to escape

The piece is comma heavy as the author admitted. As much as you hate editing, it’s a necessary part of the craft, kid.

It’s more interesting in that in most of the works you read only a few or none die. This is a stark realistic version of what could happen, the few shattered remnants escaping with their lives. Turning Atton from the follower to a take charge guy was a brilliant move, since you don’t see him doing that much.

Another I wish I could read from cover to cover.

Pick of the Week

Princess Jaden

Aboard Ebon Hawk after Dantooine: Visas expresses her emotions

The idea of the Exile being something other than human is a twist not usually used. An interesting choice as well. It was really too short to get a feel for it, but what I did see was good.

The Stow Away: PILOT

TSL on Telos: A new character joins the crew in a secretive manner.

It’s expletive(an interjectory word or expression, frequently profane) rather than explicative(Explanatory word). The writing is smooth, so no complaints there.

The only part that bothered me is that this resonates with Sasha from KOTOR. There is no rhyme nor reason for the Telos Academy to start running what looks more and more like a prison, so how and why did she end up there? Hopefully you will explain that eventually.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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