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Old 06-11-2010, 10:30 AM   #1130
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Chronicles of James Vreson, hero of the colapsing republic

No specific era given: Just a day in the life of a street gang.

Remember that proper names are always capitalized. Also remember that some foods are not generic, they achieved that name or nicknames due to specific events, like hot dogs.

You’re rushing the story too much, with too little detail. If your character is Han Solo, or Admiral Ackbaar, even Admiral Daala, we have a vision of what that person looks and acts like. All we get from the main character’s name is that he is human and has an attitude. I’ll admit JV sounds confident, but is it the confidence of a street tough who thinks he’s bad? Or is he like Han Solo, who takes risks?

Technical notes: First, You do not have one side saying ‘your leader is dead, go home‘ to the other. Wars are fought on the morale of the troops and their leaders, not on the political level. This would have been like the US Telling the Japanese, ‘Your great Admiral Yamamoto is dead, so go home‘. That war ground on for two and a half more years.

Second, there is an old saying that the standing nail is the first to get hammered. No matter how good you think you are, you do not attack a police patrol and stay where they can get you. As I told my stepdaughter after she had done something stupid but not completely illegal, the police are like a radar grid. You don’t want to come out where they make a note of you, because once you have done so, they will remember you. When Louie in Casablanca said ‘round up the usual suspects’, he meant people who had come up on his radar and deserved to be hassled even if they had done nothing.

Again, the piece is far too short to get a grip on the characters or even the situation.

the lost lord

Ten years Post TSL: A young banished Jedi returns to fight again.

As I said above, remember capitalizing.

Technical note; Since one of your characters is screaming that the other should kill Malak you have HK 50 droids being used in combat about three or four years before they were even built.

You also have the council, which was willing to abandon the Exile because they only thought the person evil yet at the same time, they are saying ‘a little bit of evil is all right here and now‘. Though they have the same members, is this the same council?

As for the Chiss, how is it that you have the characters meeting a race that according to the EU were not contacted until right before the Clone Wars? And even then not officially contacted until 20 odd years later? After all, the region of space they live in is not called the Unknown Regions for nothing.

The length is improving but again you have almost no characterization especially of the main character. We know more about his sidekick Rose than we do about Exodus. His best friend is a man and Jedi, but what color hair does he have?

As for Rose, beyond introducing her, was there a reason for the confrontation between Exodus and Elrigo? Did he want to ‘buy’ as in take the engine? Was he a bounty hunter hired by the merchant who figured out he’d been mind controlled? Was he just a thug who saw a chance to do a little smash and grab? The dialogue told us almost nothing about him.

Tysyacha said it best, you’re confusing your readers.


Light Side Female Revan

Carth's Message
LS Angel

Post KOTOR: She thought she had made a clean escape.

The piece is smooth, and as much as you say it, you do angst pretty well. The only question I have is why she didn’t sell the Ebon Hawk as well then. We now have to wonder how the ship, and the droids happened to be together again when the Ebon Hawk arrive on Peragus.

Pick of the Week

Light Side Male Revan

The Holocron Confessions: The Outer Rim

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A group of Jedi discover some alarming information

The style is choppy and conversational, but since it is the equivalent of a dairy, that is not surprising. It could use polishing, but most people who write diaries never expect them to be read, so that is no problem. The progression of events is well thought out.

The piece is good because a sense of foreboding creeps in. The idea that the enemy is communicating intentionally with sounds that the average human could not hear was not only well thought out, but brilliantly proven. The rather abrupt way they dealt with the second incursion by security was chilling in their ‘don’t mess with us’ mentality, but as a Mando’a phile, it bothers me a bit.

Pick of the week

Other KOTOR characters

Innocence Lost
Prisoner 24601

PreKOTOR at the Sith Academy; What will you do to never be helpless again?

Prisoner always turns out good work and this is no exception. The piece flows well the characterization of both Dustil and Yuthura well interwoven. The only negative I have is why is Dustil going through his own final test unless this is AU?

Pick of the Week

Above the Ruins - Chapter One

Post KOTOR: Surveying a shattered world with two of our old friends

The piece is excellent with it’s before the action feel. We see three of the old crew, Mission, Carth and Bastila having settled into their new lives, but trouble is brewing. The meeting planned between Carth and Mission underscore Bastila’s feelings of failure. One of those I wish I had time to read all the way through.

Sadly, Canon has determined that Taris would remain a ruin, since in Old Republic it is one of the planets you can visit.

Pick of the Week

The Second Jedi Order: The Beginning
Darth Exile

Originally reviewed 10 Feb 2006, That review is below;

Set in the interim between Kotor and Kotor II. Revan departs to find an evil even darker than the Star Forge.

The writing is excellent, the pacing smooth and crisp. The ending leaves you wanting more.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Dead Eyes

Pre TSL: Atton gets a good look at what he really is, and it isn’t pretty

The piece flows well. His inner voice marks his victim and takes her, but he finds himself now caught in a web not of anger, but of forgiveness. This is the turning point in his life, and his actions make sense later in the game.

Pick of the Week

Letting Go
Jiara Anatalis

Originally reviewed 9 Dec 2005 at kotorfanmedia That review is below;

Carth learns to let go of his hatred
In interim between Kotor and Kotor II

The writer is intense from the first few sentences, Jiara pushes the pace, as would any woman in the situation she is describing. Excellent

Reprise Pick of the Week

That Old, Familiar Feeling

Post TSL; Atton, being trained by Bastila, reveals his past to her

The piece started off rather odd, and for a moment, until he called her Princess, I wasn’t sure who the master was. Weaving the old crew in seamlessly, the revelation of what he had done, and the small talk between Bastila and Mission afterward. All neatly aligned.

It feels like it needs polishing, but for the life of me I can’t understand why. I liked it exactly as it is.

Pick of the Week

When All is Said and Done
Caritas O

Post KOTOR: The interrogation we all assumed would happen when they returned

After reading chapter one, I was going to complain about Caritas only writing one story until I click the link for the next chapter and found almost 30 more. The piece is a bit disjointed, though primarily because of the subject matter, a full scale interrogation lasting weeks. This is one of those I wish I had a complete copy of. The humor, the ditzy main character who didn’t even notice that Bastila fell in love. The unwillingness to admit that maybe she had as well. It was just too choice.

Pick of the Week

Atton's Redemption

TSL after Dantooine, en route to Nar Shaddaa: Neither one will admit it…

Like I said about Carita above, I reached the end of this to find 18 more chapters. Just from what I have read I know I’m going regret not reading the entire thing. But unimportant stuff like a real life and trying to write my own stuff stops me cold. The undercurrent, neither willing to say what they think and feel is more fun than you can imagine.

Pick of the week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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