View Single Post
Old 01-01-2011, 11:45 AM   #1172
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

star wars: apprentice of the force

36 years after ROTS, Alternate universe: With the Jedi gone and the Rebellion broken, what can be done to stop the Empire?

The technical things that need work have been pointed out. Wh, at I would like to address is length.

So far I have looked at three of your works, most no more than prologues. As a reader, and a critic, I'd like you to do something for me; write a chapter minimum length five pages, and send them to me. I'll critique and beta read it, and send it back. Once we have a good enough length, I'll let you know and you can post it.

Pawn Endgame

TSL on Malachor V: Atton decides to trim back the competition.

Emalin has always done good work and this is no exception. The flow of thought, the confrontation, all portrayed exactly as you might expect.

Good work, and long time no see.

Pick of the Week

The Jedi Pawn
Kael'thas Solo

a millennia after KOTOR: The Sith rediscover the Star Forge as a young knight goes forth to confront them

The piece is short, but well wrought. The characters live and breath and that is always a good thing.

Technical note: You don't even try to explain how the Star Forge had survived, a situation that must make a lot of readers confused.

KOTOR Destiny's New Path
Robbie the Phoenix

KOTOR Alternate Universe: What if Malak had been captured instead?

A pity I can't read more than the first chapter; the opus is 27 chapters long. Just from the comments made by the author I see it would be worth it.

KOTOR 2 Original Ending edited

TSL on Malachor V: The climactic battle.

The only thing I can ding you on is several times you left out conversation breaks. Think of it this way;

A ship coming into port needs sonar to spot underwater obstructions. By leaving out conversation breaks, you shut down the sonar, and make the ship liable to damage.

KOTORII The Ebon Hawk's Aborted Songfest
R Little Dragon

TSL en route to Dantooine: An evening of downtime and teasing

The piece flows well, pretty much everyone but Visas and HK getting involved. Both Atton and Mira lambasting the music of the Echani and Mandalorians spiced it up, along with an aborted limerick finished later by the author.


During the Clone Wars: Just another day in a clone's life

The only problem I had is technical, and is addressed below. The piece flowed well and the clone's 'been there done that' attitude the perfect foil.

A squad sized strike team has the most balanced weapons fit known, because they might run into anything. The idea that none of them had something made to take out an armored opponent is absurd considering they fight super battle droids.

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic

KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: The story begins

The story is well done, and not as generic as it usually is done. Having Trask running toward his room anticipating meeting his room mate is good, though the extras he brought along bought it before they could do much.

The Trouble with Love

Post TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Now the hard part is over, except for the love as it were...

The piece is well done though it had grammar problems. The confrontation between the Exile and Atton, broken up by Mira, was well done.


One Last Thing

KOTOR on Dantooine: Quatra Leaves one last message

The piece is a generic farewell message, and well done. I had to agree with another reviewer because of Quatra's refusal to return love, but suggesting that Juhani go for the gusto if it comes by again.

The Gift Of...
A Wilson

Originally reviewed 1 Feb 2007, that review is below:

At the end of KOTOR: As Revan lays in a coma, each of her friends say goodbye.

The ending was stock, as was the basic idea.

After saying that and probably breaking the authors heart, I have this to say; It was GOOD! Well worth the read.

19 readers gave it a thumbs up and 13 reviewed it before me. Does that tell you how good?

Reprise Pick of the Week

Thought that counts
Dinah Lance

Post KOTOR: Jolee receives a couple of gifts

The piece is the usual you would expect from Dinah, meaning it's well done. Jolee reminiscing about the first piece of furniture he had made. The last thoughts, that after it breaks he will have to now rebuild it, staying away from the council in the bargain was pure Jolee

Pick of the Week

Smart Man

Pre KOTOR on Telos: Carth promises this is the last time.

The piece is good, flowing well. The description of the destruction wrought by Morgana after they have decided to go back inside was very good.

The Jacket

Pre KOTOR on Telos: How Carth came to own that specific Jacket

The piece is well done, with Dustil's explanation of why he chose that specific color.


Originally reviewed 1 Feb 2007, that review is below:

A year after Darth Revan regains her title: The revelations from A Christmas Carol ala KOTOR

What can I say that 16 thumbs up hasn’t already?

You did what I tell people to do with a seasonal story; you left out all of the Christmas references and still told one hell of a story!

Reprise Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,