I guess that what I'm really trying to say is that I feel scared, confused, lost and broken. My life has fallen apart, and not for the first time. Along come some people, and a sermon, which made me feel even more so. I'm wondering whether I should just give up on God/Christianity/whatever, because it's too bloody (excuse my language) hard. Everyone around me thinks it's great--the circumstances I'm in--and only I seem to disagree. I had dreams, and my biggest one just died. I wonder why I bother trying to get to know God, if the real truth is that I should have "moved on" past all this doubting and questioning crap years ago. My sister has. Her faith is so strong that I can't even talk to her about Christianity without her preaching some mini-sermons to me. She doesn't really understand where I'm coming from, faith-wise (or, so to say, doubtwise?)
I don't know what's going to happen to me, or how I'm ever going to make it out of this situation anytime soon. All I know is that I've been nearly driven to suicide by social and spiritual abuse in the past, and this isn't helping. I may not be a Christian anymore. I may not be saved anymore. I don't know WHAT I am anymore. All I know is that this flood of doubts and questions still remains in my mind, and I don't know how to get rid of it. This may sound strange, but someone telling me what to do, think and believe in this situation really doesn't help, or make me feel comforted. It just makes me feel dumber.