Thread: [Fic] Just keep Running
View Single Post
Old 03-12-2011, 05:07 PM   #10
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
JediMaster12's Avatar
Status: Moderator
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Buried in books...literally
Posts: 5,939
Current Game: Assassin's Creed
LFN Staff Member  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Contest winner - Fan Fiction  Forum Veteran 
Well you do keep us in suspense with the short chapters. However I think you should take the time to have someone beta before you post. You do have some grammar issues that can be easily addressed by a quick edit. If you have someone beta before hand, it saves n frustration on the part of the reader.

As to the overall plot, it looks interesting where it is going. However, I was expecting a little more suspicion on Mission and Zaalbar's part when they discover Shiyra was being hunted yet in the game Mission was not a suspicious type. That's more Carth's part so you handled yourself well there. I would like to see you give a bit more time in describing the situation more. Show rather than tell and allow for the characters' personalities to come out in your dialogue. Shiyra is a mother who will do anything to protect her child. Mical is full of cold anger and hatred. One of the tricks I use is actually speaking the character's dialogue by talking to myself and playing the role. It helps me visually see the response that could be taken.

Seriously I would start thinking about flushing out some details more. It would make for one riveting story out of an already breath taking piece.

JediMaster12 is offline   you may: quote & reply,