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Old 07-10-2011, 10:51 AM   #1205
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Revan's Last Enemy

Post KOTOR: The team returns to Taris

The piece has a problem with flow, Scenes that need to be embellished were left lying. Primarily it is an editing problem.

Pink Elephants

TSL, no specific time frame: Beware Jedi having visions, oh, and pink elephants

The piece begins with a disclaimer that it should not be taken seriously, not that it was needed. Every time someone mentions a Jedi power all of the others chorus TM (Trademark) and having the Exile die because an elephant steps on her just put a period on the sentence.

The 2nd Sith War an invisible war part 1

Post TSL: A spy trained by Revan works to discover the Sith's future plans

It is a good thing you mentioned English is not your first language, because I would have really torn into you otherwise. There are things wrong with the work but it is not that bad:

First, remember to reread, edit, and rewrite your work to smooth it out. Second remember conversation breaks. Third, describe new things. You created an animal called a night hunter, and beyond knowing it likes sneak attacks we know nothing about it.

Also, there is more to stories than just one battle after another. Your work goes 'fight here, then fight here', and little else happens.


Pre Mandalorian Wars: The youngling named Revan arrives for training

The piece flows relatively well, the discourse on Twi-Lek skin color was nicely inserted, as was the information about Quarta (Who was only an ancillary character beyond her sex). The author also gave us a birth world for Revan, which we did not have previously.

Shadow Catching

Post Mandalorian Wars: Kavar has his own goodbye with the Exile

The piece is well wrought, the background well portrayed, and her injuries from the fight still marking her. Her wistful wondering about the war and what might have been if Kavar had led instead.

Pick of the Week


TSL, no place given: Bao-Dur assists the Exile in constructing her new lightsaber

The piece flows well, Bao-Dur being his usual helpful self, Atton his obstinate self, and the Exile working to replace part of her past she had given up on. Well worth the read.



Pre KOTOR: Juhani has problems with her friends and lovers.

Jiara always turns out class work and this piece is no exception. The characters are well portrayed, the subject matter and denouement outstanding.

Pick of the Week

A REAL verbal fight for Revan and Carth
Jedi Master Ariana

KOTOR enroute to Manaan: A real screaming scene between Carth and Revan

The piece is well done though a comment by a reviewer regarding all caps and exclamation points was well given. In one of Terry Prachett's books he made a comment that more than three exclamation points is a sign of a sick mind.

A New Hope Reborn

Pre KOTOR: The making of the main character

The piece begins with the capture, and goes from there. A good look at the situation

Turning the Tide

Pre KOTOR: A different beginning for the story

It should be assortment rather than engrossment. Works well but needs polishing.

The piece was fun to read, the situation funny at the start. Trying to paint a room with a grenade was a unique twist.

Jedi Serenity

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A discussion of love

A basic Generic discussion of love with two of the best characters for it.

The Trouble With Gizka
Codename SailorV

KOTOR enroute to Korriban: Jolee and Bastila discuss the 'Gizka'

The piece is interesting more from how they are saying things than what they are saying. Jolee comes across as he always does, and Bastila clings to their subtrefuge so she can explain her own real worries.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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