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Old 08-21-2011, 06:50 PM   #1211
machievelli
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Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

Squadron Legacy
Sithspector

Pre Mandalorian Wars: An element of fighter go on a scouting mission

The piece is very well done, the feeling of prepping for a possible fight well portrayed and technically efficient.

The Archives
Master Finch

No specific time given but sometime before TPM: A Jedi team searches for clues

The basics of the story are good, and the flow is excellent. The main negatives are listed below:

Technical notes: I notice you're English and a teenager, so I will instruct gently. Coming from a society that has tried to do without guns for the last century, you probably don't know the rules of safe public firearm usage. There are many rules, but the only one needed here is this; drawing a gun escalates the conflict to the point that someone will probably die in the next few moments. Let's change the scene:

Detective sergeant O'Donnel LAPD is coming to a local bar to talk to one of the employees concerning some crimes. He bypasses the line, and the bouncer draws his pistol, pointing it at the officer. What happens? In America that is called brandishing a firearm and if you have a concealed carry permit it will cause that permit to be revoked, along with the possibility of a couple of years in prison not only for brandishing, but threatening an officer as well. If O'Donnel is a typical fictional cop he'd either beat the bouncer bloody with it, or shoot him himself. Before you ask, the review board would define it as a clean shoot; the dead man had a gun in hand already.

Check the Wikkipedia; the Ithorians are almost as pacific as the Camaasi. Having one suspect in a crime I can accept, but attacking someone chasing them in that regard does not fit the racial profile.

Welcome to the Forum

SW TOR: CONFESSIANS OF A JEDI CONSULAR
MsFicWriter

Set in SW TOR on Tython: A Jedi Padawan investigates odd attacks

The piece has a nice flow to it, the inner asides regarding early training were thoughtful and fun. The only negative I can see is one I would award to Laurell K Hamilton for her first book Guity Pleasures. You have a man with a voodoo charm that needs blood, meaning something (or someone) specific has to die to supply blood for it and you wonder who (Or what) that might be at the same time you are investigating vampires that have suddenly been murdered. (As my daughter would say, 'well duh!').

The first thing your Jedi should have wondered is if this is the first Trandoshan to make this quest. If he is one of many, the new aggressiveness might be in response to those attacks. Later he comments that he will avoid the eggs, which suggests it might not be the case, and only at the end do you come to the deeper mystery.

Technical note: To a non-sentient creature, words have no meaning. Take the example of Lassie trying to tell you that Timmy has fallen down a well (I have always wondered, I don't remember an episode of the TV show where that squirt fell down a well) and is trying to get you to follow. What would the Jedi pick up from Lassie's mind? She would feel a sense of danger to another, picture the boy's face, and him falling into a hole, and the boy's cries for help. In this case you would feel the same sense of danger, the picture of the crystals with the feeling that something is wrong with them, and nymphs dying around them. The last would be of Jedi coming before to collect the crystals, and an overwhelming urge for your Jedi to take them now.

All in all a good read.

Welcome to the Forum.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Promises and Poison
Inicol1990

KOTOR in the Taris Undercity: Stricken with Rakghoul poison, Carth flashes back to Telos

Like a lot of the author's work, this is thought provoking. Linking a physical poison to a mental one is not a new idea, but is done very well here.

Pick of the Week

Make No Assumptions - Bickering Like Children
Joysweeper

Pre Mandalorian wars: The first meeting between the Jedi and the Mandalorian did not go as planned...

The piece is fun primarily because of the acrimony. You have two prisoners too busy taking digs at each other for the situation than anything else. But that is only an overlay. The little details make it amusing; the senior POW having the men answer not by name but by planet of birth to confuse the enemy, the comparison to the Republics's neat line up of equipment to the Mandalorian version which looks haphazard.

It has the gritty feel of someone being captured and thrust into a camp to rot.

Pick of the Week

There's a Wampa Ice Monster in my Fridge
JediDWH

KOTOR aboard the Ebon Hawk: Is it just me or does it feel cold?

The title caught my eye, and it was next on my queue, so I opened it.

After I finished laughing, I had to agree with other reviewers. It was fun watching everyone gang up on Carth because he was the only one not complaining about the ship's temperature. The characters are perfect; Both Bastila and Leiraya (Revan) threatening to kill him, Mission threatening to steal all of his stuff... Just too cute.

Pick of the Week

The End of Telos
Green Twilek

Pre KOTOR: A play in the Greek style setting the prelude of the Jedi Civil War

One editing comment, I think you meant Joint Chief of Staff.

The piece is hard to follow if you don't know the style. My main problem with it is linking the Jedi to the trade in slaves; their failed students becoming slaves for Telos. Like the society the style comes from, slaves were a serious part of their economy and total manumission without a built in delay would have shattered it, as it did in the South during the War Between the States.

Now I get on my soapbox briefly; if the men that signed the Declaration of Independence here had put in a codicil that stated all children born after this date would be free it would have caused problems (Just as my comment will in some minds) but it would have ended slavery in less than seventy years, since a child born the day before it would probably die of old age in that time. You would not have had a devastating war and a century of subrosa oppression as America did.

Before your scream, the subrosa I mean is that the Rutherford B Hays became president with only 47 percent of the popular vote because the Democrats had rigged the elections in the south and were caught at it. This was because the 'saber clubs' and 'gun clubs' (Forerunners of the KKK) in the south terrorized the freed blacks into refusing to vote (For all of you Democrats; Historical fact) but three states with 20 electoral votes had been disputed because the Republicans had also been rigging elections((For all you Republicans, see comment above to the Democrats). This lead to the unwritten compromise of 1877 which was where both major political parties agreed not to admit this publicly, and Hayes became president. This left the freed slaves at the mercy of the locals.

Snakes and Gizka
Belladonna

KOTOR on Tatooine: Another of Jolee's incomprehensible stories

The piece is well done, the story amusing. I agree with Bald as Malak that the connection between the Gizka and the earlier argument could have been a little clearer.

Jolee's Gizka
Kiraboros

KOTOR on Tatooine: Jolee decides gizka aren't that bad.

Like a lot of the Jolee stories, this one has an odd subplot and is amusing.

Fanfiction.net

The Star Fromage
Revan's Split Personality

KOTOR aboard the Ebon Hawk: A strange dream leads to an even stranger conversation

I loved both the dream and conversation. The surrealistic aspects, renaming the Star Forge the Star Fromage because it sounds more evil, leading to falling to the fondue side of the Force was just a riot.

Pick of the Week

What I Havent Told You I
CortessaBlatt

Mandalorian Wars: A deeper look at a secondary character, in this case Bao-Dur and his remote

The weariness of a veteran watching the newbies comes through very well. I enjoyed the little byplay between the techs, using an odd series of numbers, and making comments about the breast size of Twi-Leks causing both irritation and laughter.

Technical note: The Chiss would not be contacted for 4,000 years

Destiny
Cable Fraga

Pre-TSL: How did Atton end up in the force cage?

Remember to do a visual edit. Baited (put bait in a trap) should have been bated(held).

The piece is poignant with history we never saw. Atton's 'crime' is perfect for the devil-may-care pilot and the 'old man' being his father was just as interesting. However, I wonder about him not claiming to be a Jedi; I know the security systems used in modern airports and the idea that Peragus would not notice leaving a ship early suggests that maybe his father was named Zez Kai Ell...

Pick of the Week

Carths Patience
Cable Fraga

Five years Post TSL: Revan finally returns

Remember to do a visual edit. Summing should have been summoning.

The piece is poignant in that Revan (Mara) returns finally, and Carth who had recently retired is still there, waiting for her. The scene is slice of life but moving with the unsaid emotions of each of the characters. Well worth the read

Pick of the Week

I Hope You Dance
Simon System

Post KOTOR: When Bastila refuses a romantic relationship with Revan, it's Mission to the rescue.

The piece is an interesting twist in that a male Revan does not end up with Bastila. His sorrow at the situation is well portrayed, as is Mission's intent to get to the bottom of the problem and fix it somehow.

Pick of the Week

Destiny
Prometheus71

TSL on Malachor V: An interesting pairing

The piece is a bit confusing, since it isn't until after Atton's death that you discover who her love is. One of the more interesting Dark Exile stories I have seen.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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