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Old 09-25-2011, 02:15 AM   #1216
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

Duel of Fates

All three posted episodes reviewed and critiqued simultaneously

During Jedi Civil War: A warrior joins a battered flagship

I read your 'about the author post first, so I was ready for the problems you mentioned. What you didn't mention was failing to remember conversation breaks. The reason you have them is so that the reader knows someone else is talking, making sure the story flows like a slow winding river rather than choppy rapids. Remember to do a visual edit because strait (Tight) will pass a spellchecker even if you meant straight.

Technical: The manner of Gannor speaking to the officer was unnecessarily disparaging, as was that officer's overreaction to the morose conversation about the battle. Having served in a military unit, I know there are times when you correct a subordinate, but the Officer's reaction was as if he had been trying to foment a mutiny, not because he was pointing out that they had come out pretty battered. As an example, you could have had him walk over, saying something like 'keep it down (rating), the civvies are worried enough without that' and only when the guy goes on giving the reprimand you did if the man ignored him or protested vehemently. The officer comes across as either having more trouble holding it together than the crewman. Then as a martinet with his 'I have my orders'. Gannor could have eased the situation by treating him as an officer.

Since we do not know his rank, I can not tell if he is being insubordinate or not; a man of the same rank would and could talk to another this way, but if he is junior it is being insulting, and if he is superior, he should not speak to another officer in that tone in public. He has done to that officer exactly what the Captain did to the crewman.

If you get a chance, watch the Original Star Trek the Movie, especially the scene where Kirk comes aboard and tells Decker he has been given command over the junior captain. Even though the exchange is acrimonious, it is still civil.

Technical notes for Chapter 2: A standard vessel might hold thousands, but anything smaller than a Star Destroyer could not hold hundreds of thousands. The Queen Mary, when used for a troop transport, carried only about a brigade, 4500 men and officers.

Technical notes for Chapter 3: I was curious about them being unable to fight back. Even if they were badly outnumbered, they should have been able to do more than run away. The fact that even this one ship survived suggests hubris on the enemy's part, allowing them to get away rather than a failure on the part of the Sith.

Also, if the conditions are as bad as the officer and Admiral suggest, why are they trying to recolonize? You don't dump civilians in a war zone like this. You couldn't pay them enough to get them to agree.

Last, if you're going to have a conference as you show, you would not need to have either of the other officers there. Someone would have assured they had something to drink, a carafe sitting on the table for example; and the pad could have been carried by the Admiral, rather than having another officer have to hand it over.

As I said above in section one, reread visually before going on. Make sure you are using the right words. You used were when you meant where, another time when a spellchecker will ignore it.

The basics are good but the characters come across as contrived. How this one man can fix the problem is never adequately explained, and he seems to infuriate everyone he speaks to. I will not vote in the pool because I never do; conflict of interests. It can be a good piece with a little work and thought. So go out there, polish and smooth chapter four, and post it.

I'm waiting...

We got issues
Darth Phex

KOTOR and TSL: And you thought your group therapy was bad...

The piece snuck up on me as I watched in amazement. The only thing I wondered was why the Therapist didn't get a job in managing a pizza restaurant rather than trying to maintain a therapy session. Or maybe a Mongolian barbeque...

Pick of the Week

Defeat at Malachor V

Mandalorian Wars on Republic Base: Bao-Dur and the woman later known as the Exile go on their first mission.

The piece has a smooth flow to it, and the characters are vibrant. They click, especially the byplay when eating a disgusting meal.

In The End of All Things

TSL on Malachor V: Atton's death scene revisited.

While the piece is generic, there a real feel to it. You can almost picture him dying in her arms, and her reaction to it. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars Battlefront 2 A Story of Galactic War

Star Wars AotC on Geonosis

Technical note: With a built in comlink, the character would not have needed to pick up a radio, merely switch channels. Also, since an AT-TE has only four legs, it would be both, not all front legs.

If you remember the movies, there is almost no discussion when someone takes command. The character should merely say 'mount up', though the discussion about which salient to reinforce was well done.

I was confused by unit size, what with the main character leading a 'squadron' of five yet the other two supporting squadrons were able to detach 30 out of 70 fighters to render support. Remember that a US based fighter wing before losses is 72 aircraft, broken into 3 squadrons of 24 aircraft, though the term usually means 12 per squadron. Most units are reconstituted before being sent back into battle so he should have had at least the dozen mentioned above. Also, squadrons are broken down into attack or tactical, and Interceptor. You would not have a mixed unit like this very often unless it is committed before resupply can reach it.

The piece was excellent in that the battle scenes felt real except for the mentions above. The hopeless confusion when he went from tank commander to grunt was well done. One scene that always bothered me in the original movie Red Dawn was when an air force pilot gave instructions in infantry terms, something only a history buff would know because the Air Force Academy does not teach small unit infantry tactics.

Pick of the Week

It is Such a Quiet Thing to Fall
Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: As she contemplates the future, Atris descends into madness.

The piece is dark from start to finish, Atris starting as someone too warped to maintain her sanity, and gets worse as the years progress. She is constantly rationalizing why her own path is the only proper one, and you get the sense that the Universe she will create is darker even than one ruled by the Sith.

Pick of the Week

The Liar
His name
The Lady Revan

PreMandalorian Wars to TSL: Revan remembers the meetings she had with the sad little boy who would be Nihilus

The piece is poignant and sad. I wonder how he was able to stay as long as he did among the Jedi and why they allowed him to escape.

Pick of the Week


Broken Promises

four years Post TSL: Revan returns, but it's not the happy ending she had anticipated.

The piece is outstanding. Revan's reported death caused by a Force Power, Carth taking another woman as a fiance leaving Revan devastated. The feeling she has are strong and driving. This is one I wish I could read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

Where The Heck Are We?

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: An author causes the characters to go ballistic

Having had knock down screaming arguments with my characters sometimes, I can feel for both sides in this case, everyone has their own horror story here, and I enjoyed seeing each reliving that horror.

Pick of the Week

Incident on Dantooine: Quarta

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Revan leaqrns that someone likes her, and Malak gets a new teacher
The story flowed well, and Revan's aside to herself that Padawans and Apprentices do things no one would have conceived of because they don't know what is impossible yet was choice. Having Vrook actually act like he cared about someone was a twist I had not anticipated. The primary hang up I had with the piece is the 'Dr. Livingstone I Presume' quote, which is of course Earth based.

Pick of the Week


Post KOTOR: Revan has to wait to be accepted again, but can she?

The story is short but sweet. The idea that everyone seems to be standoffish is well done, and the woman has no one to even discuss it with but Jolee. His own asides about her nightly activities is telling because he knows that if she is not accepted soon, she will just drift away.
Transparent Shadow

Post KOTOR: If Bastila had failed to seal away the dark side, would Revan and Carth still love each other?

This author is in my list of favorites, and this story shows you why. You have a Dark Revan brutalizing Bastila, but only until she repents her attempt to take away her mind, Forgiving Malak his attempt to destroy her, and now turning her sights on Carth, not to destroy him, not to even injure him any more. But merely to break his will enough that he will love her willingly. The character is cold and like a child wants it all right now.

Pick of the Week


Alternate Universe: With Bastila's failure in capturing Revan, He completes his true mission

As a Dark Side ending it is superb. Not bothered by fumbling around trying to defeat his orginal purpose, this Revan is cold but not callous. He does not grieve for the people slaughtered in this battle; he feels the satisfaction of finally obliterating the True Sith once and for all. Chilling.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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