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Old 10-01-2011, 10:31 PM   #1217
machievelli
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

Duel of fates chapters 4 and 5 critiqued together
McClure777

During Mandalorian wars, continuation: Our hero sets out.

One thing I have noticed is that you have ignored my criticism. The style leaving out conversation breaks is frustrating. Here it's my job to read on anyway, so I will finish them all. However the average reader might not give you that consideration. A frustrated reader finds something else to read instead. He might tell you he liked it to spare your feelings, but that is not my job. I was hired to read and advise the writer here.

Again, remember to visually edit because words that do not fit will pass by if they are spelled right. As examples just from your first paragraph alone we have barrowed (Which did not pass my spellchecker) instead of borrowed, base instead of bash, and supply's (As in the belonging to the supply department) being loaded. In chapter 5 byou had bared instead of bore, and bare instead of bear as aiming.

Technical note chapter 4: Unless the pilot set the ship to hyper out through a star, I can't see something that large being affected by the collision. Even the smallest star is too huge to notice it. Remember that Han Solo mentioned passing through a star as something that could happen, and such an impact would probably create a solar flare, but wouldn't cause it to supernova.

Also, only the larger stars supernova. The smaller ones; anything less than ten times the size of our own sun would not be able to do so.

Technical note chapter 5: On any ship, you have a balance between what is needed to operate and fight it in the case of a warship, and the additional space necessary for the crew. You could save space in something like a jet fighter by using a more modern engine; the modern ones used in the F/A18 are more compact that those used in the fighter of the early 50s, but even then the space is not that much. What I am trying to get across is that you only get additional space aboard a ship by removing equipment that might be needed to operate it, like the WWII 'Fast transports' created by ripping out half of the engines in an old destroyer to free up cargo space. While called 'fast' they were only a few knots (Less than 5 usually) faster than the transports they were to replace.

Squadron Legacy chapters 5 and six reviewed together
Sithspector

Mandalorian war continuation of previous story: The new pilots learn to fit in.

This line 'each handing their flight back to the crew chief for the particular fighter'. Didn't make sense. Is this the notes they had made on problems? Or maybe the crew chief's report of what had been fixed? This sounds like that byplay, since a pilot will notice something wrong first, report it to his crew chief, and the chief will make sure it gets seen to. A friend had sent me an email of such comments back and forth about four years ago from Fed Ex, (who has the world's best safety records) with one coming to mind; Pilot report: Evidence of oil on landing gear, crew chief reply: Evidence removed.

Technical note: Lasers do not have shrapnel. Also, even though you have special effects of explosions and cannon fire with sounds in movies, there is no such thing in space. An explosion is merely a ball of fire that expands until the shrapnel hits your ship or shields.

I hated to have to criticize anything of these pieces Sithspector. The story is flowing very well and the interplay between newbie and veteran is well done. The pedantic style of teaching the one pilot balancing with the sarcastic yet caring actions of the flight lead were excellent. The end, the arrival of an overwhelming force counterpoints it all.

Pick of the Week

An Unforgivable World
Revan Sama

Dragon's Age based: A witch creates the perfect foils for her own capability.

There were some times you didn't complete sentences. 'experimented many things' for example could be taken to mean experienced many or experimented with many. Though the context supports the former.

The piece is perfect if it is a prologue. I'm wondering what is going to happen now.

kotorfanmedia

Equivalent Trade
Plutospawn

Pre KOTOR on Corellia: By changing just one thing...

This work drowns the reader in the loss of a child. Any parent that has buried their child would remember and feel their pain, and Carth's reaction to condolence letters heightens the effect. So much we remember from the game would have changed if Morgana had lived instead of Dustil, and Carth would still have felt no better.

Pick of the Week

Forgive Me: Part One
Tatooine92

KOTOR on Korriban: Only when she goes on does he realize...

We all realize the angst the characters are going with and the author captures it very well with this piece. Most of course have the reconciliation sooner than we see here, but seeing it in a situation where we as readers know she will survive but they as characters don't know is perfect.

Pick of the Week

A Tale of Two Cuties
Tatooine92

A typical day in Lucas-land

I have to admit I woke up in a foul mood today, but this cured it with laughter. Picturing the two primary love interests fighting over the girl, (who by mixing names could be either one of the main characters) was funny enough, but add name calling, the Pazaak attack, and nine Gizka who sound like they should be pulling Santa's sleigh, and you've got a lot of fun in a small package.

My only question is; why no Carth fan girls in the audience she's telling it to?

Pick of the Week

Jedi
RyannQuinn

Pre Exar Kun War: Vignette from Jolee's life with his wife

The flow is good, the subject rarely covered by other authors. The fall of Nayama is a bit quick for my tastes, but when you consider the Council acted atypically compared ot the harsh judgments you see in other works his flight from the order was to be anticipated.

In The Arms of an Angel
Tatooine92

Mandalorian wars during Dxun campaign: Carth is rescued by a woman he has not met...yet

The battle scenes were well done except for one thing, that the Mandalorians seemed a bit tentative on the attack. The newbies freezing still standing reminded me of a training scenario I did in my own Return From Exile, except that in real battle the sniper would have taken them all down as they did. Otherwise, very well done.

Pick of the Week

Epilog: Repercussions
343Panic

PostKOTOR: Revan's Trial is finally to begin

The piece is excellent because this is one scene you usually see, and witnessing it from the public via the press makes it more interesting. The inane questions (What does it matter if a dark Jedi wears black underwear?) are typical of the modern press mobbing someone before a trial.

The change in the viewpoint, again, is typical of the media pushing it as well, a sad commentary on our modern world.

Pick of the Week

Fanfiction.net

The Mandalorian Wars
TweetieBird

At the start of the Mandalorian Wars: The Jedi will not enter, but there is a test...

You used the wrong term a few times. As an example coercing suggests you have something like a blackmail medium to use. You also used lose (As in failing) instead of loose (As in making something easier to move).

I didn't have time to read every chapter, but the first one went over excellently. The piece flowed very well and the idea of having a Jedi (Female Revan ) disguised as a waitress went over well. It reminded me of one of the Vignette created by Andre Norton where a master strategist stops an enemy advance merely by sitting idly play a harp when the enemy approaches.

All the Right Questions
Dranzen

Post TSL in the Unknown Region: The Exile gets a chance to ask some questions of her old friend.

The piece was fun in that you don't really know what kind of Jedi Revan would become running about alone for all those years. Revan's reply is rational, the idea that there is a medium albeit perhaps not happy between the 'light' of the Jedi and the 'dark' of the Sith. The end was even more fun because of the idea that Revan hadn't escaped merely because she hadn't considered why she should as yet.

Pick of the Week

Finding Faith
Affirmation26

Specific period not given though some characters outlined suggest Mandalorian War era: A teach and his Padawan are given an assignment

The story flows well and the idea of having a pair mismatched according to the Council is an odd one. There has not been a story I remember before this one where the master/student pairing could be set aside by the Council. My question is how much time had passed before the Council became involved in that decision.

Confessions of a Fool
Phantom6612

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton's internal dialogue is not a pretty place

Told completely within his thoughts, Atton is too busy trying to come up with reasons why she should not care to wonder if she does. He's caught between the desirable woman he sees, and the monster he see himself being.

The Resurrection of Revan
La Belladonna

KOTOR on Manaan: A Dark Jedi tries to defeat what he considers an overage Padawan, only to find his error too late

The story went well, and Revan's using his own pull on the light saber to kill himself was masterful. My main question is this; with only about ten thousand odd Jedi, how could the dark Jedi she faced not recognize her?

Chiasmus
Freesourceful

KOTOR on Manaan: Carth has found a way to remove Revan, but who will be removed?

The piece was surprising in that not only has Revan reverted to the dark side, but Carth had another way to get rid of her.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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