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Old 10-08-2011, 10:54 AM   #1218
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

SW: TOR: Suspicions/The Perfect Game

Continuation of TOR fic: A team will go into the caves to discover what is happening.

Editorial note: Your master Yun rejected Qyzen Fess too readily, condemning him for one act witnessed by a Jedi. His secondary reason (Injury to his arm) would have been more acceptable in my mind. As for his first reason:

In my own Return From Exile (Page 5 Section 169 Under the header Destiny) I have the fight between Hanharr and Mira where Mira removed his hand (My version), but caught him by the manacle he wears trying to save his life. This in my mind was the attempt to allow him to grow beyond his hatred, but he refuses, and dies. Only in the next section, when she goes with him to the Shadowland to meet those that have gone beyond does he learn how stupid his hatred had been.

Technical note: As much as the RPG plays with stealth generators and shields, you will notice I rarely use them in my own work. We have yet to see a stealth generator in the SW universe outside of the games, and except for the Droidikas, you do not see shield generators for something smaller than a warship. I also avoided either Jedi or medpack healing for the same reason. My problem is, that unlike all of you younger authors, I dealt with Sword and Sorcery Fantasy before the game D&D was created, yet the game was created by people who grew up with those games where magical healing and potions of healing are commonplace. The only selling author I have read (And enjoyed) that uses such props is Elizabeth Moon's Paksenarrion series where she goes into an explanation in the first book (Sheepfarmer's Daughter) as to why such healing would be rare.

However, Obi Wan aboard the Death Star showed that an alert Jedi Master could easily assure that attention was somewhere else without technology.

Kid, I am not slamming you personally; too many use the forms of the PRG without thinking of real life.

Another sterling work. I enjoyed the idea that Qyzen Fess had noticed a problem the Jedi had ignored.

Pick of The Week

Star Wars Duel of Fates Chapter 6

Continuation of the ongoing work: Gannor explains why he came to be as he is, but is interrupted by a crash...

Again, conversation breaks. You used rapping as in rap music rather than wrapping (enclosing) and the only way haulted passed a spell check would be for you to add the word to your dictionary since it is spelled halted.

There is no explanation of what caused the crash either.

A note on your poll; so far most of your characters are mere cardboard cut outs with no real depth or description. Even the main character is barely filled out.

The Chronicles of Jebord Esio & Belcameron Cook (rewritten)

Set in TOR: The Jedi prepare for a misson after one has a nightmare

Most humans reach their full growth by their late teens, so saying someone is 'tall for their age' doesn't make sense when they are 20. The paragraph with 'went into the small bathroom and washed his face under the basin. When he was done, he dried his face on a towel and then proceeded' should be trimmed. Remember one axiom of writing is never use more words than you need.

If you have read my Heart of the Universe you will note that when the doctor is commenting on how she feels, I added the aside that everything she was feeling was a breakfast metaphor, causing a sarcastic comment. But I didn't stretch it out.

Remember to sight edit; you used though (As in although) when you should have used thought.

An interesting work. Keep it up.

Beyond the Outer Rim

Post TSL: Along with Atton, The Exile begins his search for Revan and ends up in another force cell

The piece had problems, primarily with spelling and word usage.

I only read two chapters into it, but the newly added character intrigued me. Her own irritation at using an alien race known for it's flowery speech balances with the ogling eyes of both her and Atton when they finally meet. I wish I could read it all. The last comment was that the story had been abandoned; pity.

Technical note: I would have used viewport or merely forward port rather than windscreen. The latter suggests a normal vehicle rather than a spacecraft.

Pick of the Week

Not to Know

Pre KOTOR: Carth searches yet again for his son

The piece moved me a great deal. The idea given to him by the woman who had started only thinking of mugging him was perfect. Thinking of the boy missing for two years as still the 12 who had been lost; in other words, searching for the memory rather than the boy. Her refusal to neither take the offered money nor continue with her original plan shows her own pity for his state. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

A Mix of Juma Juice and Caffa

TSL after departing Telos: Atton isn't sure what's going on

The piece was well written and as the author said, pretty much a fluff piece. The Exile comes across as someone having too much fun for her own good, and Kreia as ascerbic as you would anticipate, with poor Atton caught in the middle

A Life That Is Mine
Promised Flower

One year Post KOTOR: Revan struggles with the life she must lead

Well done and written, the idea that the instant she became a Jedi she no longer had a choice in her own life might be enough to sustain her, but the pain of that realization is great.

Pick of the Week

The Second Battle of Naboo

During Imperial era, no specific timing given: A battle is fought and almost lost

You're not keeping track of the numbers you have given; if they have 100,000 troops and you only have 300, you are not outnumbered by 100,000 to one, you are outnumbered 334 to one.

Technical notes: The disparity of numbers makes no sense. The primary support for your attack is a walker (Only one mentioned) and a Star Destroyer, but the enemy can close rapidly and once among your troops, your supporting units cannot fire without killing your troops. To quote Joe Haldeman, there are enough that they can walk in with a rock in each hand and beat you to death.

The battle starting with the destruction of the walker was a farce. Having the supposedly trained warriors fleeing like ants from a child's stomping foot made no sense, nor did the Gungans allowing them to form a defense perimeter. Once the perimeter was formed the battle began to look more logical, and training obviously too over again.

A Masters Beginnings Blade and Master
Crimson Paladin

Thirty plus year Pre KOTOR: Vrook can't sleep the night before he builds his lightsaber

An interesting look into the past of a secondary character. Vrook comes across as an earnest young man excited before the best day in a Jedi's life. Having both Kreia and Jolee there as his friends foretells all sorts of problems later in his life. The author commented that this is one of a series; I hope to see more.


An Abnormal Kotor Parody

Leaving the ship with the worst name in history: Our hero (?) is too busy trying to earn dark side points to do much good at anything...

The piece is a parody, the author told us it was. But this parody goes from sublime to ridiculous so many times I'm not sure how often it was planned, From getting beau coup dark side points, then whining because he got a single light side point, then having the Jedi that died kill herself, Trask dying twice, Bandon cutting off his own manhood, Carth losing both hands and only being rescued because the author wouldn't let our hero leave without him, and ending with the hero in Carth's cast off boxers (With starships on them) it was a madcap race where you don't see the end until you literally run into the wall at the end.

Pick of the Week Encounters

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Now if only she remembered

The scene was choice. I was wondering how the could have met and almost done the nasty the evening before the Endar Spire blew up without remembering it. Now Carth has to start all over again with her.

Pick of the Week

Head Above Water

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Old friends renew their acquaintance.

Nothing much happened, but there was a lot of time spent on catching up with each other's lives. Picturing Malak in what would later be his trademark suit, but looking like his younger brother playing dress up was cute. The explanation of the exercise medium was well done, though why would a Jedi be naturally more dense than a normal person?

Origins of the Meatbag

PreKOTOR: So that was where the term meatbag came from!

The work is short, more the pity, I was having fun with it. The idea that HK got repetitive before was a given, considering he tends to think of everything around him as a target. My favorite line was one that another reviewer also loved:
'Worried Statement: I think I might've broken Master...'
Pick of the Week


Set in her Avalonian works: Dealing with pre-wedding jitters, Avalonian style

Considering the context, it should be exasperated rather than exasperating.

The piece like all of her work is excellent in creating the background. The simple oath and bonding ritual evokes a feeling of another world very well.

Pick of the Week


Mandalorian Wars AU: What if Malak had gone alone?

One minor problem it's canon (Writ) rather than cannon (Artillery piece)

The piece covers one interesting aspect, Revan not going off to war. The commentary about Malak tells us he hasn't changed in this alternate universe, he's still the bull in the china shop. This I think would cause more Republic casualties, even if they are winning. Also, when it came time to use the Shadow Mass Generator, I could see him using it on Mandalore as well, ala Truman and the atom bombs. I have only one question:

Is Revan possibly Mando'a? Or is there another personal reason for his refusing to go to war?

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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