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Old 10-15-2011, 03:52 AM   #2
MsFicwriter
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 411
Current Game: Arcanum
Roleplayer 
Please forgive me if I'm being unclear, but I'd like to compare your story to Kreia's words.

Both are hauntingly beautiful. As I hang on every word Kreia speaks in KOTOR 2, trying to decipher what she really means by what she says, the descriptions in your story thrill me. They make me wonder how you'll keep turning ordinary and mundane things into riveting ones. Something commonplace--a fire, even an unexpected one--becomes chilling here.

However, there are times when Kreia simply makes no sense to me, and neither do sentences like this: "The the only habitable area the deep underground cave systems that were not touched by noxious fumes that made up the atmosphere". I know what you're trying to say here, and you're trying to say it artfully, but something's missing. I might have put: "THE only habitable area WAS the deep underground cave systems..."

Fear not. Sometimes, I make terrible mistakes when I'm writing my own stories, and I always go back and double-check what I've written after a little time has passed.

My personal writing style is simpler than yours--meaning that I use a simpler vocabulary and simpler descriptions--What draws me to your writing are the brushstrokes of art. I especially like this bit: "We fought over the little food we were given, vicious brawls that ended in death. After such battles for survival he would murmur to us about a role that only [the] best of us could play".

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I mean that, too.
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