The Coruscant Entertainment Center
SWTOR: Jedi Bred for War
SWTOR: A Jedi master reminisces on his past as his present goes up in flames
Remember to do a sight edit before you post; the first paragraphs had some glaring problems in this regard.
Thje main comment made in the story that I had a problem with is the idea that the Jedi, like a Special Ops team, is supplied with their equipment by the Republic. That would imply that the reason the Mandalorian Wars turned around after almost 12 years of defeats was because the Jedi had equipment the Republic did not issue to the regular troops.
Admittedly the Jedi Aethersprite fighters from the Clone Wars makes that suggestion, but I always pictured the Jedi choosing something more akin to a racing machine than a standard issue fighter and modifying it. As WEB Griffith in his The Corps Series (Book 3, Counterattack) pointed out, the closest design to the WWII Navy F4F Wildcat fighter already in production was the National Air racer named the BeeGee.
This is a good intro for something new. Now go on and show us more.
Squadron Legacy chapter 7
Continuation of the Squadron Legacy storyline: The first combat in the new war
Remember to sight edit before posting. Also, while space battles in the movies have deafening explosions, in space it would be silent; they only add the special effects sounds because most people do not realize it. Elizabeth Moon in her Familias Regnant series had the designers add sound effects for firing and hits, even going so far as using musical bridges on one ship mentioned in Winning Colors.
You went from one measurement system to another, having a fighter missed by feet, then having it fly meters above the hull of the target. Remember to stick with one system throughout.
Technical notes; You usually check weapons not long after you take off, not before actually going into battle. Adjusting the foils and modifying the shields at this point did make sense.
A spacecraft will not slow using flaps like an aircraft will; no drag. They would more likely use a vectored thrust system like a Harrier does.
Question, why did your character try for an emergency landing (Always risky, especially with a ship as damaged as you describe) instead of ejecting? It wouldn't have gotten him down any faster, but would have been safer.
I have to agree with the other reviewer; the best so far.
Pick of the Week
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2884432/...with Open Eyes
TSL on Malachor V: The final confrontation with a twist
It was an interesting premise, Kreia and the Exile not only as opponents, but as lovers as well. The way the fight was going you couldn't tell if there was any loved remaining until the end. Excellent work.
Pick of the Week
The Fifth Time
KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: When you're bored with the game, here's something to try...
The author has a sick sense of humor, recruiting Trask and the Sith to start his own evil empire, stopping the attack because he's bored.
I like it!
Pick of the Week
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2880849/...] Robot Weapon
Post KOTOR: Star Wars meets Transformers... Sort of
Remember to do a sight edit. You used order instead of ordered for example. The piece was too short to get a good feel for the writer's style. The characters have no depth.
I didn't like this for the same reason I did not like the Transformer Genre; Ask any engineer, and he will tell you that it is hard enough to make a machine that works as it was designed without creating different forms and have it also operate in that new shape. Plus the giant robot you have created has weapons too powerful to be accepted.
Technical note: Escape pods are short ranged craft, sort of like a lifeboat, they would not have the range to escape a solar system, and would usually be programmed to land on the nearest available planet. If a fighter (Which is several times it's size) does not have space for a warp engine, a pod (Something about the size of a modern full sized car) would never be able to carry one.
KOTOR II The Miffed Lords
TSL Parody: The droids must get the ship to the station. How else will they continue to serve tea?
I read the first section, and had to pause before I could comment. The first thought was 'I wish I could read the entire story' because it was outrageous. As the author commented it's hard to write comedy when your characters are all droids as they are in the first segment, but this was a success. When the main computer goes into a snit and sets the self destruct, this scene occurs;
The annoying computerized woman's voice came over the com system and said, "I heard that! I will now start the automatic self destruct system of the Ever Hunk. The Ever Hunk will self destruct in T-minus 30 minutes."
"Deet boo reet dee," said T4-U2.
"What was that?" said the annoying voice. "There is no primary power?"
"Bee reet!" came the mocking answer.
"Then I will resume the countdown when you have restored primary power," the voice concluded. "I cannot destroy the ship without power."
"Tee hee tee hee," the two little droids laughed.
I may have to come back and read it, there are six chapters so far. Floating Tearoom indeed...
Pick of the Week
Post KOTOR: Carth has what he wants, but considering his past, he's not sure
Ignoring the slash commentary, if you merely mentally consider Revan to be a woman, it flows very well either way. The idea that Revan is remembering things like planets not on any other chart is of course alarming, since there is no mention that this information is being passed on to the Jedi or Republic military.
Forget Me Not
Pre Mandalorian Wars: At age 10 the Exile my run away unless someone stops it.
The piece is short and has all of the angst you would expect from a child running away. When I was ten, my older sister- now departed- and I ran away because we both agreed that there were too many children for our parents to care for (eight) and by removing ourselves they would have enough. I remember our adamant will not to return, which lasted all of six hours.
Like the character here, we had to give up, but those memories resonated with the story.
Revan's Path: Padawan, Chapter 1- The Lightsaber
Pre Mandalorian Wars: The girl who would later become Revan gains her light saber crystal.
The piece flows very well, and the story is intriguing. It sounds like you are using notepad to write with, which doesn't come equipped with a spell check.
Technical note: As much as the RPG plays with stealth generators, you will notice I rarely use them in my own work. We have yet to see a stealth generator in the SW universe outside of the games on anything smaller than a ship. Try to avoid using game linked equipment references.
A worthy entry. Keep it up.
Jolee's Chronicles (Stories That Jolee Tells)
KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Why Anakin doesn't know the Jedi rules...
I wasn't sure where this was going, but as it went on, I couldn't help but chuckle. Having Mission pick the names, which correspond to the characters of 4000 years years earlier was bad enough, but having Anakin first try to explain his vision by suggesting a pet, then explaining that Obi-Wan had lost the Jedi 'rule book' somewhere on a tearing drunk was a riot!
Pick of the Week
KOTOR on Taris: Memories start returning and Revan does not understand why
The piece is interesting in that the author contends that the memories were not buried sufficiently that they would not come back eventually. An interesting way of looking into Revan's mind here.
Pre ANH: The spirit of Bastila Shan explains to a young Wedge Antilles how she and Revan came to be together, and how he came from that union.
An interesting way to connect the past to the future. The idea of Wedge learning it this way suggests his own link to the force.
KOTOR on Tatooine: A prelude to other things
The scene jumped too rapidly for me to understand. It went from Revan assuring Carth that his son would be redeemed to Revan as the Dark Lord coming aboard the Ebon Hawk undercover.
There wasn't enough here to get a good feel on how good it can be.
Post KOTOR: The end of a legend
The piece was confusing, jumping from present to past as he dies, and the only thing I could glean from the confusion was that he had always thought only the weak died.