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Old 12-13-2011, 09:47 AM   #1230
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Still waiting, but no reason why you guys should have to...

The Coruscant Entertainment Center
While I am starting where I left off some of the writers have added to their body of work, so I will review them in sequence, but add them to reviews of previous works so the readers can follow on. If there is more than one pick of the week, they will be marked separately both here and on the SWK site.

A Living Instrument

SWTOR Continuation of TOR fic: Revelations about the find

The piece explained a lot of what had gone before, and gives a chilling view of the Sith mentality.

Pick of the Week.

Followed by;

Trust Me

Regardless of her feelings and forebodings, the young Padawan is given over to a new master

Except for one niggling problem, the piece is as good as what you have done before. That problem is the condition of Revan. As the Trandoshan pointed out, it is truly a shot in the dark, since you don't know if Revan is even alive. Without the cryostasis mentioned he would have died almost 300 years before.

Pick of the Week.

If you Want Peace...

Under a new master, the Padawan's training takes a new slant

The word 'this' in the sentence 'this in the training room' was redundant. Her question implied that meeting there was irregular already.

The comments given by Alkonium are well thought out. I had the same feeling, as if her new master considered her old either incompetent or remiss. Suddenly changing the training regimen suggests that not all in the Order accept her new master's take on the situation.

Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Duel of Fates Chapter 7

Continuation of the ongoing work: After the crash, the pair struggle to survive.

Since you consistently ignore the directions that would make the writing more comprehensible, I will merely make technical comments. One thing, Murky implies hard to see through. Water is murky, air is murky, trees are not.

A bandage is not a prepackaged square of gauze or cotton, it it whatever you can use to bind a wound. The bandage was the first step in medical science that saved lives even when it was nothing more than boiled leaves plastered over the wound.

A penetrating wound in the abdomen used to be a lethal blow. 90% of the dead on battlefields before the advent of surgery were belly wounds, yet you have two men, supposedly competent humans, one of them a combat veteran who ignore this damage, and don't even bother to reduce a sheet or sleeve from a shirt into something that might help.

Then you give us the ominous comment about the wild life; right before they are attacked by all things, monkeys (And that is the correct spelling) about as non lethal as you can get, since there is no mention of claws or teeth.

Duel of Fates Chapter 8

Continuation of the ongoing work: New revelations about their captors

It should not be local's, we know our party is unarmed, so just the mention of the spear is sufficient. The word is grimace, not grimmest. It is on their knees, not the possessive knee's. It's first (as in a sequence) not firth, which is a cove in a landmass. It is temblors (as in aftershocks from an earth quake) rather than trembles (as in the act of trembling). The way you had Gannor enter (diving) suggests head, not feet first. To go feet first he could have leaped or simply stepped off the edge.

It is within, not with in, and dragged instead of drug. As for weapons, why pikes? The average pike is 12 to 16 feet long, making it too large to use when escorting prisoners. It is themselves, not them self's.

With this piece you finally did something interesting, revealing a buried city and the survivors huddle around it. At least now we know how the locals have survived the so far not seen wildlife.

I have been suggesting and suggesting to no avail about something as simple as common conversation and paragraph breaks. I think if I showed you what I have been saying all this time you might understand. Take just the part of that first huge paragraph as you did it, and visualize it like this...

The spear's of the local's at their backs, Gannor and Arthur marched through the dense forest. "Where do you think they're taking us?" Arthur whispered,

"Most certainly to their base."

Arthur grimaced. “We need to get out of here!”

“Shut your mouths!” One of the captors shouted as he jabbed his spear into Arthur’s back, Arthur gave a little cry as the sharp spear pierced his skin drawing blood. For nearly three hours Gannor and Arthur made their way across the forest, climbing over tree branch’s protruding from the ground, they pushed past rivers, getting drenched in ice cold water which only hurt more with the bitter cold now swooping over the moon.

Arthur’s teeth chattered as he rubbed his arms in a attempt to keep warm, “How much further do you think it is?” Arthur mumbled.

Gannor looked up at the sky to see the large moon, peering out from between a clearing of trees, it’s blue tint and glowing aura would amaze most travelers with out a doubt, he did not dare to look at Arthur as the captors would notice, he whispered back silently, “We’ve been moving for several hours, it can’t be much further, they don’t seem to be making any hint towards constructing a camp anyway.”

Try it that way when you get the chance. It will make the reader's job less difficult.

Across the Galaxy

A new series by the same author:

Your first sentence is incomplete, and makes no sense. 'War was a disease, (So far, so good) a disease that the galaxy has no cure' should be; 'a disease for which the galaxy has no cure'. corrovet is spelled corvette, and as the Wraith Squadron book from the Rogue Squadron series pointed out a Corellian Tantive IV class corvette can only carry 4 TIE fighters, but could squeeze in nine X wings in the same space. It is supplies(Plural), not supply's(Possessive) have to be gotten planet side. You forgot lock when giving the order regarding the s foils during the intercept.

Technical note: Rebel Academy? There has never throughout all of mankind's history been a rebellious force that bothered with creating a military Academy. Whether you say Mao, Ho Chi Minh, or Che, or for that matter Henry the 7th of England or George Washington, none of them had either the time or money to pay for an Academy. They were too busy fighting to win to waste the time and money on it.

During even the more modern wars (Ho, Mao, and Che) the entire 'Academy' time was, 'this is your weapon, this is how you load it, and take care of it. Go forth and kill, my son'. In a rebellion like this you pick people to fly your fighters, and if they have even a smattering of training, have those who do know the systems get them up to speed. More like on the job training; you don't have the years an Academy would take for proper officers.

West Point didn't start until 1802, nine years after our Rebellion ended. Our 'rebel Academy' was a band of advisers supplied by France led by Von Steuben and Kosciusko. The latter name came to fame again when the Russians invaded Poland in the 20s. Pilots from the US went there and fought as the Kosciusko squadron for the same reason Americans joined the Lafayette Escadrille during the first World War.

Four fighters do not form a triangle, they form an echelon (Usually called a 'Finger four') or a diamond.

The combat scenes were relatively well done, and the cockpit chatter was not to shabby. If you had been following and using my previous comments you would be edging up to my pick of the week, but all you get is an A for effort and a D for the work as a whole.

[url]] A Tired Enquire to a Satire Type Entree.[/url

TSL on Malachor V: The final confrontation, and the Exile's poetry

I enjoyed the middle part, but there is a reason I don't critique poems; mine are so bad that I do not feel qualified. The fight scenes were abbreviated, but that is acceptable, not everyone does a good action sequence.

It's good having you writing again, kid.

Squadron Legacy chapter 8

Continuation of the Squadron Legacy storyline: After his crash, our hero evades pursuit

Living beings or military units are decimated. Single people or fighters are not. The term was originally used by the Romans, who would enter rebel villages and kill every tenth man (Under Roman law, a man was at least 13, though there were instances of carrying it down to babies in cradles) while the more modern usage suggests a sizable loss. Inconsistently suggest no pattern to it, so it is not the correct wordage.

I was surprised that he didn't notice the water temperature on his hands, since there was no mention of gloved hands scooping water.

Technical note: The Chiss were not known to have been contacted until right before the Clone Wars.

You had your character spend too much time destroying the ship. It would have been simpler to merely open the fuel tank as you described, then throw a flare into the pool of fuel which would have left him his helmet at least.

Except for the comments above, the piece flowed well, and the beginning dream or memory set off his bleak situation very well.

Pick of the Week

Just Keep Running
Chevron 7 Locke

Requested re-review, originally reviewed 6 march of this year

I enjoyed having Mission and Zaalbar rejoin the ship and the escape was icing on the cake.

Only got as far as post 20, chapter V, but all in all it's an excellent read. Still don't know why Mical went to the dark side... Maybe they offered cookies?

Pick of the week



Pre Mandalorian Wars: Just an average training day... Not!

The piece flows very well, the Exile (I assume) is a young self assured woman, with Malak as hot headed as ever, and Revan an amused spectator.

Pick of the Week


Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two padawan are sent to collect a new hopeful

The piece disturbed me because it harks back to the 'Jedi steal children' hype. The uncaring attitude toward the parent is also unjedilike. The child's reaction right down to throwing flatware with the Force was amusing though.


KOTOR on the Star Forge: The confrontation between Bastila and Revan

The retelling is generic until Bastila almost falls to her death, and Revan saves her. From there it is very well done. His reasoning as to why he stays true to the light linked to one person, her.

Pick of the Week


Post TSL: Confrontation between Bastila and the Exile at Revan's grave

The piece goes from 'oh you knew him too' to a life and death struggle. The end is perfect because Atton wasn't there to witness why the Exile is so upset.


Pre Mandalorian Wars: Four young people spend the evening profitably, watching a meteor shower.

The piece was light and fun, well written and polished. You can almost sit down with them and hear the interplay.

Pick of the Week.

The Fall of Revan, Chapter 1 - The Dxun Campaign

Mandalorian wars: The battle of Dxun causes casualties as the Jedi begin to slip into apostasy

The primary problem I had here was the Jedi fighting the war are falling to the dark side too quickly. This is after all the first battle of the war where the Jedi fought.

The Paths We Take

Post KOTOR: Revan struggles with her nightmares

I think you meant technically. You might have your auto-suggest on and merely accepted without noticing. Same with wondering instead of wandering and rein (Controlling harness for a horse) instead of reign (Time on the throne).

Having this all play out in a soundproofed room makes you wonder if it really happened or was inside her head.


Pre KOTOR: Carth's last meeting with Saul Karath and the attack on Telos

Technical note: As much as Starship Troopers uses the 'sir yes sir' pattern, having served in the military, the primary reason for using it was to make you remember to say sir to officers, and it isn't used outside of boot camp.

The piece starts with the calm before the storm feeling, just two old friends meeting after a long time. But it moves swiftly to a full scale attack.


Post KOTOR pre TSL: Atton loses a bet, and ends up going to Peragus

The piece is cute because there appears to be no reason in the game for Atton to be at Peragus.

A Nice Day

Post KOTOR: Carth and Revan visit Telos... sort of.

Remember to do a sight edit; I think you meant suite (Room) instead of suit, though both would pass a standard spell check. I also wondered what you meant by groggy, again I think you meant foggy.

The piece is slow and relaxing, and Carth adjusting and readjusting the climate controls for his own amusement were fun. While called slash by the author, a few seconds of editing would have made it hetero as there is little that reminds you of that fact.

Reflections of a Dangerous Mind
Red Ace

Post KOTOR: Within Revan's mind a war is still going on, and we are not sure who will win yet

Always remember to do a sight edit. When you are flying along typing your work, you might use the wrong word, and while it will be missed by a spell check, editing by sight usually catches it. I think you meant reassurance, not reinsurance. I'm not dinging you too badly on this; when I wrote my own version of TSL one of the people told me I had made a grammar error and it took me three WEEKS to find it, I was so sure she had been wrong.

The piece is disjointed and confused. When you consider the character it makes sense that it would be; for the character is also confused, torn between love, and you will not love. Two thoughts resonated with me when I read it. First, that the two sides, Sith and Jedi are merely two different sides of the same coin, the other that loving this person might be the cause, and wondering who should take the blame for it.

And Not to Yield

Five plus years Post TSL (See Technical note): Carth decides to leave yet again

The piece is poignant and sad, and not at all what I had anticipated. I was thinking of the late Harry Chapin and his song Cat's in the Cradle, where a man sees that his son has become a duplicate of himself earlier, but that is not what happened.

Carth is there almost as a guardian for his son's family, and only when he leaves does Dustil understand that his father wanted him to stay with his family as Carth had not. The ending is perfect.

Technical note: The reason I am ambiguous about how long it has been is because repairing all of the damage of a full bombardment leaving the devastation described in the game would be an enormous undertaking, almost terraforming the planet to return it to usability. That can take decades.

Pick of the Week

Tales of KOTOR The Onasi Legacy

Post KOTOR: Two men meet in a bar, one looking to kill Revan, the other to retrieve a family heirloom

The piece surprised me a little. I thought for a while that the older man, Daggoth, was Carth in disguise; looking for a newly fallen Revan, but I was disabused when the newcomer named himself as Dustil. The idea that Carth's old blaster meant so much to him was poignant; we know Carth is dead, but the legacy goes on.

There is more, four more chapters for those willing to expend the time. Unfortunately, I do not have it.

Pick of the Week

The very short Journal of Carth Onasi

KOTOR on Taris: Carth's journal as the title suggests

The piece was a riot! Carth is more worried about his Paranoid's Anonymous meeting to do more then mentally lambast the other members of the forming team, and even glosses over what happens. The escape from Taris is merely 'Finally got off Taris. Will spare you the boring details'.

Another one I wish I had time to read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic The Jedi Order

Post TSL: Instead of going to the Outer Rim, the Exile stays to rebuild the order.

Sweat and perspired are the same thing. Visas should feel vulnerable, not invulnerable.

You're pushing the story a bit, making everything happening too fast. the Dark Lord
LD Little Dragon

KOTOR Among the Sith: When you read the title, you know it all...

The piece was short and I was too busy laughing to notice it. The flow is so choice that you'll enjoy it immensely.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 12-13-2011 at 09:59 AM.
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