[Url=http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640] The Coruscant Entertainment
Heir to the Force
Decades after Legacy of the Force: Luke's grandson is busy trying to pass his trials.
The piece is well written, and intriguing. You do need to remember to sight edit for grammar, since the word is sic (As in setting the dogs on someone) instead of sick
We have here the earnest young Jedi who hangs with a rather pushy friend. I was amused by his attempts to maintain his own virtue and just wondered if he was going to fall off the chastity wagon now that he's a knight.
The Order of Darkness]The Order of Darkness
Centuries after the modern EU: A Jedi is sent to find a missing Ambassador as the Republic begins to break apart.
Not enough to get a good feel yet, kid. But as MsFicwriter said, interesting take.
Across the Galaxy Chapter II
Continuation of Across the Galaxy: A look from a ground pounder's view
It's dyeing (Changing color) not dieing and here you should use the possessive planet's instead of the plural planets. Rains of fire, not the possessive rain's, and while the screeches belong to the wounded, using the possessive makes it sound like it is the other way around just as it appears the roar owns the cannon. Souls bear burdens, not expose them. A knock is a rap, not gazing at something in awe which is the definition of rapt.
The sentence; 'She would nearly every night, have nightmares about the day she last saw her family,' is cumbersome. It might have been better as 'Almost every night was plagued with nightmares about the day she last saw her family,'. Rewriting the line will allow the work to flow better.
Technical note: What kind of hide were the boots made from? Since Corellian means something from the planet, it reads as if they used some person's skin to make the boots. As much as the byplay between Zelka and the girl was amusing, I would call anyone who has fought since the age of 13 a veteran whether it has been four years or only two. It is a sad statistic that most combat deaths occur during the first 30 days of combat. That is why the US created the Advanced Infantry School at Fort Irwin back in the 80s, so fresh young soldiers face those first 30 days in a controlled environment rather than in real battle. It is also why you cannot wear the CIB (Combat Infantryman's Badge) without facing real combat; One man said it is the only medal you really need, because wearing it tells the onlooker that you have faced the enemy in mortal combat and lived to tell the tale.
Setting up a rebel base facing off against an Imperial force like this does not make sense. In guerrilla wars, what they now call Asymmetrical warfare, the first two rules are; since your enemy is larger and stronger, you have to harry them, and that means no long term bases or mass attacks. How long would Al Qaida last if they had obvious bases? Also a rebel force requires supplies, and supplies must get through your enemy's blockade undetected. In the situation you've described, I as Imperial commander would simply blockade the planet with half a dozen Star Destroyers and their full compliments of fighters deployed long enough to drag a small moon (no larger than 6 kilometers, about two thirds the size of a Super Star Destroyer) and drop it on the planet. A meteor that big wiped out the dinosaurs, and would assure that the Rebels would have to move somewhere else, if they were smart.
Second, you need to conserve your force while doing what you can to drain away your enemy's. Anyone who has survived as many years as have been mentioned (I'm not talking the decades since she saw her family, merely the years mentioned with Soul) would not eagerly agree to a plan that smacks of Douglas Haig (First Earl Haig) who lost over 2 million men because he consistently used tactics right out of our own War Between the States such as Pickett’s Charge but facing rapid fire machine guns. An officer who suggested a plan would not be an officer for long and I can't even see it being considered.
You seem to have little grounding in warfare. Read up on the Battle of the Somme http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somme_1916
where due to poor Allied tactics, over a million men died in four and a half months, making it the bloodiest battle in recorded history.
Chapter 11 of her ongoing work: Under a new master our heroine feels something is not right...
I cannot see a Jedi master giving such an order. Stating that they are tool using beings but sentient sounds to me like the demonizing methods used by the Nazis and other groups that have practiced racial cleansing.
It also smacks of Caedite Eos. During the Albigensian Crusade (Which has the distinction of being the only Crusade aimed only at Europe) where the Papal Legate, Arnaud-Amaury, when asked by a Crusader how to distinguish the Cathars from the Catholics, answered: "Caedite eos! Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius" – "Kill them [all]! Surely the Lord discerns which [ones] are his".
Or as a modern pundit during Vietnam claims an American officer ordered, 'Kill them all, and let God sort it out'.
Like all your work so far, this is riveting and well worth the read.
Pick of the Week
SW:TOR Part I Finale: Poetic Injustice
Chapter 12 of the ongoing work: Our heroine is captured, and finds out about a traitor
The piece surprised me only in that I did not see a Jedi master as a direct traitor. It flows well, and ends at that bleak note good horror does.
Pick of the Week
Followed by thew interlude before the next work:
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthrea... Fatal Answers
Interim after SW TOR: CONFESSIANS OF A JEDI CONSULAR and TRIALS OF A SITH INQUISITOR: Enroute to her enslavement, Our heroine finally realizes the depth of her betrayal.
The piece brings a lot of things together. It is almost as if except for her own master the entire enclave was part of the betrayal. Eagerly awaiting the next installments
Pick of the Week
She also scores a special Best of the Year nomination for the combined work. When I reached the end, I was reminded of a comment in a Teen Titan's episode. Brother Blood, who operated a school for criminal super students finds that the second best student he has ever had was operating undercover for the police. His best student, actually a Teen Titan named Cyclops had also been undercover.
His frustrated comment to the revelation was 'didn't any of my students come here to study?' That was feeling I got from her Tython Jedi Academy.
Smuggler's Return [CHAPTER 1]
No specific Era given: A smuggler's new assignment may lead to his death.
Remember conversation breaks. They will make the flow better for the reader.
Not enough to get a good feel yet.
Technical note: As I have mentioned to several writers, remember that not all of your readers will be game players. To grow as a writer, you must remember what is in the game, and what is canon. There are no stealth belts in the canon so far, and a med pac doesn't miraculously heal you.
Smuggler's Return [CHAPTER 2]
Continuation of Smuggler's Return: As the hero discovers that he has been set up, a bounty hunter is loosed on him.
Again, conversation and paragraph breaks are needed.
Technical notes: You have your character flailing around blindly, walking into one obvious trap after another. So let's take it from the top:
You don't know where your cargo is. This is absurd, smuggling is a rapid turnover occupation; you pick up items at point A, and deliver them secretly to point B. You would not accept a commission where you don't know what you're picking up, or where it is located. Put it this way, if you're transporting military ordinance, you would know what you are carrying, and which specific base it is located in. Since this job also has snatch and grab as part of it, the man hiring you would have given the base, and any security arrangements you have to circumvent. What your character has done is accepted a blind commission being told only that it is at a base near the Capital city of the planet. Not very smart.
Second; you merely walk into a local bar and ask 'which base has something valuable'. Again not too bright for a number of reasons. Undercover police also hang out at these local bars. It's like the scene in Star Trek IV where Uhura and Checkov (With that Russian accent) are asking passersby where the 'nuclear wessels' are. It was fun in the movie, but the motorcycle cop would have had them detained just because they are too flipping crazy to let them run around loose. If I were an undercover cop, I would have reported Baron, and before too long a lot of cops would be tailing them. Not every bar is linked into the criminal underground, and walking up to the bartender at Rave (A local nightclub) and asking this would get you escorted out. Also if it is connected, and you're asking that loudly, a local entrepreneur might hear you and decide to let you steal whatever so that he can then hijack it from you for his own sales. Even worse, any criminal organizations would be interested, because they would expect their cut. Read We Few by David Weber and John Ringo. In one scene the main characters, who are going to save the Empress by attacking the Palace runs straight into such a confrontation with the local mob.
Their 'cover' would appear to the local police as a small time money laundering operation, which the police would only observe until they gather enough information. But the mob saw a money laundering operation that wasn't paying their cut as they should. This leads to their rescue starting eight to ten hours earlier then they had planned and at the same time needing to hire a hostage rescue team to save one of their members who has been taken as a lever to force them to pay up to the mob.
Third: You leave your ship unprotected so it can be stolen. I know a smuggler would use the top of the line in security systems because most of the systems he would travel to would have hijackers ready and willing to steal his ship. Since you know this, and seem to anticipate that your patron is setting you up, you don't just park the ship and walk away. Not if you want it to be there when you get back.
Fourth: Your villain wasted a lot of time setting the bounty hunter on his target. It's not like Jabba the Hutt or the Empire setting bounty hunters on Han Solo; they are being paid to do part of the Empire's job, to find their target. Your bad guy knows where the target will be and when. It would be easier to hire him before you set Baron up, and have him waiting at the docking bay to catch Baron when he returns to find the ship missing. It looks like I am going to have to write an article on Smugglers and Bounty Hunters now...
Fifth: The local authorities would be very interested in why Baron is being hunted, and would have been glad to help, but not for money. They would have had a known smuggler in hand, who could help them break a smuggling ring.
Post TSL: Revan finally returns
The piece starts out well, but then sort of lays there. The end was where it began to make sense.
Technical notes: Coruscant, as you have mentioned, has thousands of ships arriving and leaving, but to have such traffic you would need traffic control. Anything smaller than a transport could break out of those lanes, and while it would be noticed, it would be like someone running a red light; noticed but except for a fine, not worth thinking about. But a ship headed for a specific destination, such as the Jedi temple would have to notify traffic control, and get permission, which means the temple would have been notified. Think of flying into LAX and changing course to land at John Wayne International in Orange County instead. You would have to get permission to leave the landing queue at LAX, then get permission to join the one for JW. If you tried to land without such clearance, you'd have police and the FAA on your butt.
Second, since most of the primary enemies of the Jedi also have Jedi style powers, they would not have head blind security officers on their landing pads. So having him land illegally then use a mind trick to pass him would not have worked. The opening scene used as a teaser for TOR required a ship to be inbound that only had to make one mad dash to attack the temple, a lot easier to do than what you have described.
No specific era given: A Jedi team foils an assassination, then find they have more troubles...
The scenes were well written, but there were too many things I could not accept. To start with, you have three Jedi, and the tallest is only 7 inches tall. This is a mini-Jedi. I think you were going to make him perhaps 5'7”, which would have fit better. After all, a Jedi who is only 5” tall (The shortest one) would not cause a woman's heart to flutter, unless it is Thumbelina Organa.
Second, such a meeting would have security, and no unauthorized personnel would be allowed in with weapons. It's true of Congress now, and it would be even more true with what Star Wars would consider as weapons.
Technical note on Jedi: The idea of a Jedi Weapons master might fly in the game, but you don't see a character in the canon that matches this. I commented on the same problem with other such characters when someone used Jedi Sniper and Brute. It reminds me of an episode of the Japanese Anime Series the Slayers where the main character, Lina Inverse sees her sidekick escorting a young girl and she asks, 'What are you? The Barbarian Babysitter?'
On Stealth: While stealth belts are common in the game, they are nowhere in the canon. To conceal a human sized form you would need too much energy. A full suit to make such a field would be more like the Predator, and people would notice a figure that matches the surroundings if he is moving merely in the ripple effect as he passes.
On gravity: Assuming leaping down 23 stories of distance (assuming 2.5 meters per floor as in story) assumes 57.5 meters of distance and a standard Earth gravity of 9.88 meters per second per second, it would have taken him just under four seconds to fall that distance. No Jedi trick is going to violate the laws of physics that blatantly. It would have been more logical to have him hiding in her pod.
The byplay between the brothers, as rare phenomenon in the genre was choice, and worth the read all by itself. I wish I had time to read it all.
KOTOR After Leviathan: As she goes into captivity, Bastila finally admits her feelings.
A light year is a measure of distance, not time alone, just as a foot-pound is a measurement of both weight and distance.
The piece is a brief interlude before Bastila is tortured into falling to the dark, and it is interesting that she is only willing to admit her feelings at this point.
Pick of the Week
Last Love Song
Post KOTOR: On death watch for Helena Shan, The two ex Jedi consider what they have lost and gained.
Few suggest that Bastila and Revan would leave the order after their adventure. Whether they return or not is not considered, only the moment. The last line is indicative of the mood; that Jedi are just like everyone else at heart is well considered.
Pick of the Week
Remember to do a sight edit, you put in think instead of thing for example. Later on you have 'where not when you meant we're not. Also, watch comma placement. "Incoming Spider droid, Sev Blast that thing to hell" Should be "Incoming Spider droid! Sev, Blast that thing to hell" While a lot of grenade are round, describing it as a round thing first would suggest that no one knows what it is until Boss tells them.
The escape made no sense because why would the enemy have left a weapon on a captured prisoner?
The action is fast paced, but too confused to be real. You also have a problem I do, which is writing so fast at times that you forget words, like where you leave out man or merc or whatever when Tarful puts a bear hug on him.
Star Wars Galaxies: Jahdi
Star Wars, set during the Rebellion: A sheltered girl gets a serious dose of reality
The piece was good and abrupt. It starts with someone reminiscing about what her father had said, and leaps immediately to a man dying before her eyes and the aftermath. It is far too short to gauge the author's skills normally, but the piece just reaches out and grabs you, ramming your face into what has happened as if saying, 'this is what war is all about'.
Pick of the Week
Five years Post KOTOR: In a prison cell, Revan remembers her reconciliation with Carth on Manaan , her twins, and how she left Republic Space; all with no regrets.
Remember to sight edit, especially for words you might have forgotten such as the line 'I couldn't (Hold) any of what had happened before against him'.
The author admits that it is confusing, and it is. But it is almost a stream of conscious thought as she is imprisoned, and has nothing better to do with her time. Very well done.
Pick of the Week
The Masks We Wear
Post KOTOR: Beware what hides below the mask, even if it is merely her face...
The piece delves deeply into why Revan (As dark lord) wore a mask, then, when she had been redeemed, why she had created a new flesh mask to hide what she is. The problem is, was Revan redeemed? Or is she merely the dark lord reborn?
Bonds of Faith: Darth Revan, Dark Lady of the Sith
Pre KOTOR: Darth Revan considers what has drawn her to this moment.
The writer does some good technical work, yet the theme of it did not appeal to me. The True Sith come across like the Conspiracy theories about the Zionist World Conspiracy, the Masons, or the always pervasive Illuminati; every ill came from them. The main character claims membership, but is refusing to follow orders to the hilt. She has instead fallen in love with what her orders have commanded she destroy.
As I said, good technical work, so it is worth reading.
Before Exar Kun War: Jolee meets the woman he will marry
Remember to sight edit. You used tore when you should have used torn, where when you meant weren't.
Technical note: The Chiss were not contacted until right before the Clone Wars.
The tone of the story was fun. Even though adversarial, the byplay between Jolee and Nayama was cute. Both of them trying to one up each other right down to him carrying her because she refused to go with him.
Pick of the Week
A Smuggler's Story, Part 1, Endar Spire, Chapter 1
Pre KOTOR:A smuggler settles in on the Endar Spire
Technical note: Read my article; Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! Over at Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment Center, in the Resource centre.
The piece was short, but cute. Most of what is happening is merely background so far.
Mandalorian Wars on Dxun: Malak had to deal with HK, and does deal with him eventually
The piece was all dialogue, and caused me to crack up several times. As Verna Jast commented, the idea that Malak came up with; that Revan had built HK to get even for him decapitating her doll as a child was fun. My favorite lines were:
"Why am I even talking to you, droid? You aren't a real sentient being. You're a thing. A noun. An object. I might as well be talking to that tree, or those coconuts. Hey coconuts, are we going to show those mandos or what?"
"Statement: Your logic is faulty, pet of the master. I am a protocol droid with exceptional communication skills, designed to resolve conflict between sentient parties. If you speak to me I can draw on over two thousand topics of conversation in major galactic languages. Whereas: If you talked to coconuts, you would be crazy."
"Mockery: Oh master, the Jedi council will throw us out for sure, but rip off your evil cape and be my Onderon beast rider! Grrr rarr!"
"--and that sounds nothing like me."
Followed after sound effects by; "In any karking case.. I'd make her leave the damn cape on."
Pick of the Week
Eyes of the Shadow
Pre KOTOR on Taris: A mysterious stranger delivers wounded Republic troops to the clinic.
The piece grabs you and takes you along as the arrival of the escape pods also heralds injured troops. The mysterious stranger never says who he is. Like the Good Samaritan, he delivers them and departs with a cryptic comment.
KOTOR after Leviathan: The Carth deals with Malak's revelation in a different manner.
The piece is an alternate reality version of what could have easily happened. My own take on Carth after this was a killing rage, but still trying to justify it to the rest of the crew. This one has him not caring what anyone will say.
But you're left hanging. Will he pull the triggers?
18 years post KOTOR: Revan considers all the memories a father has of his child
The piece is upbeat and poignant, a daughter leaving home, and her father dealing with it as you would expect, by falling apart.
Pick of the Week
KOTOR No specific period mentioned: Within her mind, Bastila fights to survive
An excellent take on Bastila's mind. Helping or controlling how Revan's mind is saved must have affected her as well, and we get to see it here.
Pick of the Week
Coming Out of the Dark, Chapter 1 Trask has a Crush
Pre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: In the calm before the storm, everyone goes about their business.
The piece flows very well, the characters fleshed out to a T, and polished smooth. The unintentional interplay between the characters makes it a refreshing read; Trask leering at her, and her unwillingness to admit her empathy, Carth realizing that this unknown girl is secretly watching him, and the Jedi secretly watching her, even her willingness to break the regulations to finish her repair job and her anger at hoping to meet a Jedi, then finding the one she spoke with was short with her.
The characters came alive, which is what a good writer is supposed to do.
Pick of the Week