View Single Post
Old 12-30-2011, 10:07 AM   #1234
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
The Coruscant Entertainment Center

Knowing Moynal

KOTOR: KOTOR meets Groundhog's Day

The piece for any who have started, then began again after their character died fits what would happen if you had gone from the Endar Spire until you die on the Star Forge, then start again. The author makes changes, refusing to train as a Jedi, refusing to give Bastila information on Tatooine, then the carnage on both Kashyyk and Manaan. All because the character wants the love of Bastila.

The story, laying it out as you have reminds me of the movie Groundhog's day where Bill Murray goes through the same day over an over until he finds that one perfect day.

Very Well done for a first attempt.

Welcome to the forum

Pick of the Week

Across the Galaxy: Chapter 1 and 2 (Edited Version)

Remember to sight edit. I think you meant yield rather than wield. It is each other's love. It's pursuing, not persuing.

When you wrote 'You never had a girl in mind when at home Kyle?" Kyle chuckled, "Why?" He then laughed, "Might as well just find a woman I’ll hate in five months and give her half my money.' you forgot a conversation break at 'Kyle chuckled,' because the previous conversation was William speaking to Kyle.

Technical note, in an airplane, and by extension a snub fighter, you push forward on the throttle to accelerate. The stick controls maneuvering.

Please go back and read the reviews I did previously. Remember that a guerrilla force such as the Rebellion does not have time to send you to an Academy. Look at the first Star Wars Movie. Luke went from being some kid from a backwater planet to a fighter pilot in only a few days, because you do not have that kind of time.

I thank you for understanding what I have been saying. The work is ten times as effective as it was before.

While I cannot grade all of it so, for the space battle, I say, very well done.

Pick of the Week


Facade and substance

Post KOTOR: Bastila and her 'padawan' have an important mission to carry out

The piece is fun in a skewed way. Mission equating this new planet to what she is used to in a negative manner, the explanation of why 'pet gizka' is a derogatory term, and the banter between Bastila and her love all counterpoint fun things ahead. I wish I had time to read the three follow on chapters!

Pick of the Week

Dinah Lance

Post KOTOR: Bastila's assignment to Telos is more of a rest cure

The piece flows very well. Carth is harried by his duties, worried about Czerka involvement, about the woman he cared about coming across as indifferent, then having Vandar dump her rehabilitation in his lap. A roller coaster ride.

Scenes from Telos

Post KOTOR: An old friend commands Telos station at the moment, and he's watching a new arrival...

As other commented, this explains why Mical contacts Carth of all people when he meets the Exile. Having Him claim the name of Matale was choice, since I couldn't see Shen as a medic.

The descriptions of the traffic, people going from here to there usually with one hand out to grab what they can, fits every bus station and airport I have ever been in.

Sidelines SkyePrism

KOTOR On Taris: Carth watches as Tatiana fights in the arena

Technical note: The problem I have with the game is that things like healing are done with medpacs. You see I am an old gamer who cut my teeth on Dungeons and Dragons, and all a medpac in the game is in reality is a healing potion spell or scroll; I.E. magic. But using them that way in a story detracts from the flow, and give it an artificial feel.

Beyond that the scenes flowed well, and the drunk commenting on the reactions of Carth before the fight, then to Tatiana after it was choice. Carth's reactions were of the 'lady does protest too much, methinks' variety.

Revan Wannabe

Post KOTOR: As everyone else's lives seem to have settled down, Bastila has to deal with finding her sister.

Inserting another acrimonious relationship; this one between Bastila and her sister is merely icing on a heavily frosted cake. I'd like to see where it goes from here when a Jedi has to track down a bounty hunter. Talk about role reversal.


Pre KOTOR: The main character has a slightly skewed view of reality...

The author creates a unique viewpoint. The main character is bound for the Endar Spire, but when she sees Bastila remembers Revan as her brother. Yet we, the outside observers know better don't we?

A Single Star


Remember to sight edit. You used strait (Narrow) instead of straight several times, there instead of their, and noded instead of nodded.

As others said, an interesting subject for a story. Rukil, the boy once of the surface, long before he became the one holding the legends of their deliverance when Revan arrives.

Legacy Verna Jast

Mandalorian Wars: Revan and many of the female Generals discuss the situation with a delicious twist

The author's disclaimer; including that the Exile was NOT of this number threw me, then when I read it, it reminded me of my own Irreverent thoughts over at Lucasforums in the Coruscant Entertainment Center, specifically posting #6 Where Anakin is showing his 'love' of the people.

I ended in my mind with one thought; were all those memories of a child just one mother or more?

Silence Is Copper-toned

Originally reviewed 23 Dec 2007. That review is below

listed as following ‘Future’s End” ”Slow Dissolve” and ”Lost and Found” by the same author, though it was posted before the last listed. With Katrina (Revan) going somewhere, her daughter by Carth Onasi reprograms HK47 with humorous results.

She’s done it again! I have yet to read anything of Rose’s that I have not liked. I just wish I was as prolific.

Reprise Pick of the Week

For Her Own Good

Pre Mandalorian wars: Maybe this is why they said Anakin was too old...

When I saw the title, my first thought was of the song from Man of La Mancha 'I am only thinking of him', where everyone is thinking of destroying Don Quixtoe's dreams by replacing them with reality. And it did not disappoint.

Like a lot of the author's works, this is head and shoulders above the competition. The ten year old Revan's grandfather trying to make this a business proposition, right down to trying to bribe the Jedi council. Her reaction, shredding his art collection even to his 'why did you think that' reaction when she says 'it's all because of what I have cost you', and his final 'she'll come back and take over' thought is both wonderful and appalling in it's manipulative tone. Well worth the read.

In fact, the posting reminded me of another song from that same score, 'The Impossible Dream' which is what I see as Revan's attempt, both in falling and redemption to achieve the perfect world. It brought me to tears as I watched the youtube renditions, both by Peter O'Toole and Placido Domingo.

Pick of the Week

Verna Jast

Pre KOTOR to the Endar Spire: The evolution of one of the enemies

The piece has an interesting Premise, that Darth Bandon was related to Dustil's love in the Academy. It flowed very well, the reason for the Sith landing and capture of locals well suggested. Having him be Selene's brother was just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week

Activation Blaine Averre

Pre KOTOR: The first few hours of HK's 'life'

The piece flowed well, and HK is as much riot here as he is in the games. His comments about a father with children (That he should get life insurance) and an old nonthreatening granny {He'd bet on how many times she bounced if thrown down the stairs) is topped by the term we all know so well, created by of all 'people' HK himself.

Pick of the Week

The Shadow of the Hunt
Jellianna Darquefyre

During the Rebellion against the Empire: A bounty hunter collects his bounty, and another assignment

As a reader I thoroughly enjoyed both the courier's reaction to Ienna and the 'distraction' of the pair on stage, but then I was confused by what film would call a 'fast cut' to Coruscant, then to the Emperor's entry with no notice. Such rapid changes in location should be avoided without notification, since the reader will have problems making the jump.

Technical Note. The term staccato assumes more than one note, so a single shot cannot be staccato.

The piece except for the flow mentioned before the technical notes is very well done. Each segment, if broken to allow the reader to follow would have been excellent.

Pick of the Week

Men Don't Cry
Sandra Evans

Five plus years post KOTOR:

Remember to sight edit. You used the wrong words several times. I will not point out where, because it will be more fun to see how long it takes for you to find them.

The piece is fun because you have two versions of Carth. You have the man who holds things together back in the Republic, then the man who lays in his bed, and has a dream of his love, who cries because she cannot be with him. Beyond the complaints about sight editing, it was wonderful!

Pick of the Week

Sandra Evans

Six year post KOTOR: Revan remembers the past

Remember to sight edit, and here I will give a clue: you have artifacts 'from' Juhani instead of for. The artifacts on her shelf suggests that others gave them to her, not the other way around.

It's taut (Tight) rather than taught (Learned)

The piece flowed but not as smoothly as it could. Her memories of what it was with overlays of what would be six years later when the Exile's crew had taken the ship, and Canderous, the unchanged element that infuses both. Well worth reading.

Pick of the Week

In The Twilight Kingdom

Post KOTOR: After Revan leave to go to the unknown regions, Carth wonders what will happen next

The piece is deep introspection to a T. The author has a lot to say about what war is and does to those who are part of it. The problem is, like a lot of the peace movement, the author acts as if every part of war taints the soul just because you survive it. The character, however seems to accept this, and merely hopes that when Revan returns, there will be something left to hold on to.

Lunatic Fringe
Cadillac Cowboy

Pre TSL: Drinking to forget doesn't always help.

The dream segues in so smoothly that you're not sure if the dream starts with the pazaak game or when she was drinking.

Power Of Love

Post TSL: Revan returns from the Unknown Region, unsure of what to expect

Technical note: comatose is the state of being in a coma, not the coma itself.

The piece has all the angst you might expect from returning after a long separation, with the added interplay with Atton being obtuse, and the Exile grinding her heel on his foot for his thoughtless comments. Carth dropping everything he has to do to spend time with her is touching.

Heart of Darkness

Pre Mandalorian War: Revan and the Exile hunt an animal on Deralia.

The piece is confusing, making you wonder what is happening. The Jedi chase an enemy able to hide from them, and showing up when it wills, to only die far too easily.

Return of the Exile

Post TSL: As Bilbo Baggins said, won't the adventure ever end?

You are not de ranked, you are demoted. A nice touch having Vrook demoted because of his treatment of the Exile. Question, how did the Masters survive? Having the masters ignore the 'there is no emotion' so blatantly was a bit hard to accept.

Remember to sight edit; you used sacred(blessed) instead of scared (Frightened) I say this because you can use the wrong word, and if it is in your spell checker, the system will ignore it, such as when you used were instead of we're when Atton said 'we're in'. The more in 'Cause I'm more smarter.' is redundant. extended there should be their.

Technical note; comparing their length when activated, a force pike would be more dangerous in close quarters (As in to each other) than light sabers would be. If it were a real battle, it would be better to have the lightsaber because it is easier to maneuver in close quarters.

The piece is a nice slice of life following the game. My favorite part was the reaction of Atton when he loses his bet with Visas over the Exile's reaction to her being pregnant. The biggest problem is that you are dragging it out too far, having us go from arriving to 16 months later. This would have been better breaking it into a second chapter after Visas admits she is pregnant.

A Funny Thing Happened to Me
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: A dead man switch?

The piece flowed well, except for jumping back to the start once. The idea of setting up a dead man switch, that Revan had set up so that he would die, and destroy Malak's victory when he did was choice.

However turning Malak Revan and Bastila into the three wise men was a bit much.

The Chance of a Lifetime
Bald As Malak

TSL on Malachor V: The confrontation bewteen Atton and Mikal for the love of the Exile

The piece flowed well, the fight scene very well done.

However the end, one dead, the other now dying because Sion is on the scene fell flat for me. Couldn't the Exile have said something before he died?

Sweet Dreams
Ella Nutella

KOTOR before Leviathan: Revan has an odd dream, and it goes down hill from there

The piece was confusing starting with a dream of Brad Pitt and her attempts to get back to the dream is most of what is happening. By the end she has pretty much alienated every one in search of Brad Pitt.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,