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Old 01-15-2012, 12:21 AM   #1236
machievelli
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars: Dark Galaxy
Christos200

Six years after Return of the Sith: A new threat arises

The basics are good, but ease up on the exclamation points and question marks. To paraphrase Terry Pratchett in one of his DiscWorld books, using more than one of either suggests problems. In Point of Impact by Stephen Hunter, a letter written purportedly by Bob Lee Swagger, the main character was marked as a potential threat by the Secret Service because he used three exclamation points in it.

but here's where I put on my technical hat...

Technical notes: Question, why have Jedi supposedly joined your 'Blue Army'? It suggests perhaps their cause might be just, yet you end the chapter with the Jedi Council sending a 'hit Jedi' to assist.

While 5 million troops for the bad guys sounds like a lot, on even a planetary scale, it's a drop in the bucket. The number drops into the mass of the population of even a single planet almost unnoticed. In fact it is within a few thousand of the actual police organizations of our planet as she spins right now, and are policing almost eight billion.

As an example with combat troops; the Nation of North Korea today alone can field almost 11 million troops, and if you took the combined number of men under arms, reserves and emergency reactivation troops our own planet could field three quarter billion troops. compared to that a measly five million is chump change.

I can understand your military commander's attitude. In my own Republic Dawn I made comments that 'no organized discipline military force is outnumbered by a mob', and that 'firepower can overcome even a massed charge'. Having this 'horrendous' army attacking even a modern (Circa 2011) army with wooden swords would result in massive casualties for the attackers, and almost none for the defenders.

To get an idea of what would happen against a force armed with even semi advanced weapons, read On Basilisk Station by David Weber where a force of less than 2,000 well equipped soldiers (Mainly militia men, only about 500 odd were actual professional troops) with air support faced and defeated 40,000 primitive tribesman armed with antique rifles in what I estimate was less than half an hour.

The mutiny of what sounds like one division of troops was ill-timed, and would be a reason to be worried, but not for the amount of panic shown. A division (10-17,000 men) would be rolled over easily by because you only need to detach about 60 to 80,000 troops to do so.

I am not saying they would anticipate it, rather that military commanders capable of commanding what amounts to an Army group know the first law of war is Murphy's Law.

Nice to have you back.

http://www.lucasforums.com/showthrea...rall: Unworthy
MsFicWriter

Set in TOR: Continuation of the Author's work

The sentence 'What did I do to deserve this, or you?' is cumbersome, as if the character is asking what she did to deserve her companion. Would be better as 'What did either of us do to deserve this?'

A 'space station' is an orbital platform. The correct term is space port.

The scene reminded me of the Selection process upon entering a Nazi concentration camp, carried out by a true sadist. Some of those consigned to death seemed to suffer it merely because the Sith in charge was having fun. In fact, I am surprised anyone survived it at all. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Trust
Charmel

Pre KOTOR on Telos: Carth meets the recently arrived neighbors

The piece came off a bit contrived. Dustil throwing a tantrum because of the weather, Morgana coming across as lackluster. More effort was spent on the neighbors than on any other character in the story. A nice but generic read.

Duel
JoySweeper

KOTOR on Taris: Our hero faces Starkiller

Technical note; the parts of a blade are the point (First eighth of the blade) the foible (From the point to the last quarter) which is called the Forte. The description wasn't clear, though if she knows how to use a blade, she would block with the forte is at all possible.

The fight scene flows well but felt drawn out. The constant 'he's better, I'm gonna die' became bothersome after a while, but the sudden zen-like diving into the Force made up for it.

Minor Malfunction
Dinah Lance

KOTOR on Korriban: And you thought the organic characters had problems...

This piece snuck up, sandbagged me, then ran off deliriously. Mixing the two characters, having them react to their new forms (Especially HK trapped in the T3 chassis trying to at least break skin) was a riot. Jolee merely accepting it and going with the flow was pure character.

Pick of the Week

Truth
Jaina Solo

KOTOR: Master Uthar and Yuthura face a unique predicament

It's forward (Advance) rather than foreword (Beginning comment).

The piece is well written, the scenes clearly defined and vivid the ending surprising.

Pick of the Week

Value of Beasts
Nivenus

Pre KOTOR: Two Wookiee we know very well from the games are captured.

The piece flows very well, the two main characters clearly defined and portrayed. In fact the only negative I saw was that Hanharr thought the only way to save his people was to massacre them himself.

As much as I was disturbed by Hanharr's Caedite Eos mentality, I enjoyed Zaalbar's attempts to minimize the older Wook's depredations.

As others pointed out, a lot of the story was background that would not be important to the story itself, though I enjoyed the argument about what is sentient behavior. It reminded me of the argument in H. Beam Piper's Little Fuzzy when they are trying to rationalize a primitive burial as instinctive animal behavior because Piper's 'proof of sentience' boils down to they have to have a language and know how to build a fire.

Manaan Part 1
Tankgirly

KOTOR on Manaan:

Remember to sight edit. You used the wrong word a few times, and as I know from experience, if the word is in the dictionary of your program, it will ignore that the sentence now makes little or no sense. Such as fast asleep when you meant fall asleep, or crammed when you meant cramped.

The piece is well done all told, Skye's wishing the dreams would stop linked into her own desire to have them was well explained. The secretive glances she and Carth are sharing is kind of cute.

Pick of the week

Fanfiction.net

When things come full circle
Sandra Evans

Reviewed 23 May2006 over at Coruscant Entertainment Center under Author Aminta Jae. That review is below:

After KOTOR: Carth dreams of the woman he loves, and she dreams of him.

The story is well done. You have the angst of being apart and why. The fear that perhaps what they had is no more, and the yearning to touch. Nothing wrong that a little polishing won’t cure.

Over at Kotorfanmedia this got 12 thumbs up.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Nothing
Zerbinetta

Pre KOTOR on Malachor V: The birth of Darth Nihilus

The piece is wild and chaotic as a battle would be. The feeling is of chaos personified, as Nihilus is. Very Well done.

Pick of the Week

Of War
VampirePenguin

Mandalorian War: Revan looks at the shambles he has become, but as the old saying goes, the ends justify the means.

The piece is well done because you can witness his dissolution as it occurs. The reasoning for the mask fits the one I used (Though the author's Revan is male) that anyone who sees him would discount him merely because of age.

Of Faith
VampirePenguin

Companion piece for Of War: Malk's view of what is happening to his friend

The piece is interesting because you can seem the dissolution mentioned before with his friend wishing they could just postpone the war for even a week to save his friend

The Life and Times of Bill and Fred
Mister Frodo

Set during Star Wars Battlefronts II: Two witless stormtroopers wander through a basic game.

The piece started simply with a pair that you wouldn't trust to watch your car, and went down hill, from there. From arguing about what color means what, to kiling someone defined as Neutral, then discovering that they whacked the Emperor a movie early, and commiting suicide to get away from their boss, it rolls on inexorably, yet makes you follow along.

Pick of the Week

Starting point
Clarlie

TSL on Korriban: Atton's own trip through Ludo Kressh's tomb

The piece is an interesting departure. In the game we only see the Exile's journey, but here we have Atton following, and his own view of what happens. The end, his choice, is the blue crystal he wakes with.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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