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Old 01-28-2012, 10:11 AM   #1247
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The Coruscant Entertainment Center

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: A Rival Returns

Set in TOR: Part three continuation of the Author's work: Freed from the pit, the main character must decide if she still trusts an old rival

The piece was short this time, but the scenes are etched clear. The only reason it is a bit unsatisfying is because if I were a Sith hopeful, and knew I was facing a skewed test at another's behest, I would try to enlist the aid of the main character. After all, she had been an upright member of the order, and naturally predisposed to help rather than hinder.

That and the fact that all the evidence is hear say, and not verified.

Also if I were the one setting up yet another hopeful for a fall, I'd use the droids and some other Sith to create a 'play' as it were to cause a possibly good hopeful to act out of line with the Sith teachings; asking for help as an example.

The problem with Pfon is if he had been in charge when 'Revan' returned as a hopeful, the Academy would have been him in charge of the new intake, and all of the Sith teachers playing cards because there hasn't been a good hopeful in months...

So it can go either way; her old 'friend' is lying, using her to monitor the teacher, or the teacher can use this link to kill two birds with one stone by breaking Per'dra's will at the same time that he kills off Tamara.

Keep it up, kid. When I wonder this much, it's got to be good.

Pick of the Week

Magical Strike Force S: What Remains
Chevron 7 Locke

Set in an unknown (To me) Anime World: During a massive attack, a strike team is slowly reconstituting to fight on.

Technical note; what type of division were they part of? Like a different science division or a military one? A military division is approximately 16,000+ men before casualties, not the five we see.

As I mentioned to another writer a few weeks ago, the bandage is the simplest form of medical treatment because it can be created with anything from a poultice of leaves, a layer of mud, or even ripped up clothing. In the modern world they are so ubiquitous that you can get anything smaller than a military style compress at any drug or grocery store. You would only have to be seeking the hospital if you need things like compresses or painkillers stronger than say Tylenol or aspirin. Even the painkillers would not really be a hospital visit type problem; the average pharmacy in a drug store would carry bottles of stronger meds right down to laudanum, paregoric, and even heroin suppositories in various strengths, meaning you could use them on an unconscious patient.

The piece flowed well, the flashbacks and character introspection helped to build the background of what sounds like massive destruction. The reason I listed it as an anime world was because of the verbal shouts before you fire a weapon. But if the reader (Myself) have never seen it, or played the game it is a part of, a lot of the foundation is not there. Like using the terms warp drive and phasers if you have never seen Star Trek.

Revan 'Short' Story

Set in TOR: Having been held prisoner in stasis for 300 years Revan returns to led the Jedi into yet another battle.

Use quotation marks (“”) instead of hyphens (-) for conversations. First, because the hyphen, which you used correctly once, is for a break in thought, such as when he wonders if Master Shan is any relation.

The term is three and a half centuries old, not three and a half hundred. Considering a standard generation (25 years) He would be her 10 times great grandfather (Meaning great repeated ten times before grandfather). It is overseeing (Administering) rather than overlooking (Seen from above).

Remember to sight edit. You left out words several times, and the ones I mention below are only the ones I was willing to mark down; the word 'the' before Emperor, when his mind was ravaged, then again when you mention the Sith Emperor, (an) ancient race though the Rakata had disappeared from the scene 25,000 years earlier; 'all (the) known galaxy', 'aware of (the) devastating casualties and all (the) men lost', though the last part of this sentence is redundant; the men are the casualties.

Also, check word usage. You said 'war that is about to wage' when you meant 'a war is soon to begin. You may wage war, or be ready to wage war, but the war does not wage itself.

Technical note: After creating the Star Forge, there would be no need for the Foundry you describe. If it had been created first, for example, it would have been in the Rakatan home system; anywhere else it would be subject to a take over by a rival faction. If it had existed, it would more likely have been a primary target during their own civil wars, and relatively unprotected anywhere else. But if that is true, you would have dismantled and scrapped it once the Star Forge was completed.

While the actual affect of being in stasis is never really explained, if you use the term as per modern Science Fiction, everything inside the field stops; that means you cannot access their mind while in stasis anymore than you can access a computer that has been switched off.

Your Revan sounds more dark side than light; he is giving what amounts to a Caeditie Eos order, because even if as has been stated the bulk of the Sith peoples would prefer the Republic's rule, a droid army could not separate the wheat from the chaff, only destroy everyone.

In one story (Not on this site) a military man wanted clarification on such an order, which under modern International law is illegal. When the politician is still not being clear (Trying to give such an order without actually saying it for the purposes of plausible deniability), the officer says 'well we can just kill anyone who happens to have a weapon in his hands', which is legal, but not what the politician had in mind.


Verna Jast

Post TSL, possibly four to five years: Atton never knew he needed that skill...

The piece is almost as fluffy as a down jacket. Atton the novice ice skater dealing with Bastila who (of course) is a master at this as well. The scenes flow so well you don't really notice the transitions, which is a mark of excellence. Her picking his pocket to steal his Pazaak deck makes me wonder if she has something else in mind...

Pick of the Week


Pre KOTOR: Looking at his dissolution into nothing but a hired thug, Canderous sees his salvation arrive as Endar Spire is attacked over head

Remember to sight edit. You used brash when you meant brass.

(Historical note) For those that don't know what the title means, wet work is a euphemism for assassination. Though coined in the late 60s after the death of Lavrentiy Beria; considering how Trotsky was killed, I think 'Iron Felix' would have loved it.

All of the events occur right before the first meeting of Revan's party with his in the Undercity. The piece looked long and unnecessarily drawn out at first but flowed pretty well. The in depth view not only of what Canderous is feeling and doing coincides smoothly with Davik's more direct approach. You can understand why Davik is treating him like an overpaid thug rather than a warrior, just as you know from what is described, that Davik is under utilizing his asset.

The Gray Line

Split between KOTOR after the Leviathan, and Jolee's past: A story from Jolee's past helps the present ex-Sith Lord feel better about her life.

The piece is cute in it's own way. Picturing a 20 year old Jolee Bindo tearing up the town on his first time ever out of the Temple is balanced with HK's, “Statement: Halt, Bindo Unit. My master requires solitude while she attempts to reboot her hard drive.”

Their using up the last of the Corellian whiskey from Carth's stash was just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week

Calo Nord: The beginning

Pre KOTOR: Where Calo Nord began

The piece is stark and unrelieved, but that style works wonderfully with the subject matter. You start with a betrayed child and end with cold blooded killer Nord became.

Pick of the Week

The Man For The Job

KOTOR on the Rakatan homeworld: What if Trask had gone on the mission instead of Carth?

The piece is funny in a trip on a banana peel way. Trask shows here that he isn't even close to being half the man Carth was, unwilling to even say 'I love you' to Revan hoping to convince her to stay with the Light Side. With his waffling, it's no wonder Darth Revan returns.

Ahto City Sonata

KOTOR on Manaan after Leviathan: Revan deals with Carth's feelings and her recent sexual coupling with Canderous

The piece is good in that when Carth turns away, she latches onto Canderous instead. She feel betrayed by a man who claimed to love her, but cannot accept a past she had not even known. It reminds me of Blue Moon by Laurell K Hamilton where Anita, the main character runs from a man she loves, who happens to be a werewolf, and ends up in the bed of another, who is a vampire.

Man In The Box
Rian Sage

KOTOR en route to Manaan: A unique use for the box collected at Korriban...

Remember to sight edit. The term is dire (Desperate), not dyer(Someone skilled in dying cloth).

The piece is cute when you consider what she intends with it. The ending is fun in it's own way; Revan deciding to save Malak from death by trading useless lives )The original being in it then Malak for Tanis Venn. A well rounded way to save the one you love.

KotOR Once a Jedi
LD Little Dragon

Pre KOTOR: Wait a minute, he is her father?

The piece is too short to get a feel for the author's style but what we do have is fun enough to want to continue!

Pick of the Week

Something Real


KOTOR, no specific period given: Bastila fails, but who really failed?

The piece is confusing; until the end we didn't even know who was the subject of the work. While the reader is floundering, you suddenly realize who is the subject.

Does the premise fit? Yes, does it make the situation understandable? No.

Who Now Is The Fool

TSL on Dantooine: There is more happening than meets the eye...

The piece is confusing; more Sith appearing, taking the place of two of the male characters with no warning.

At the End of All Things

TSL on Malachor V: Will the Exile let go?

The characters share their own views of what Ludo Kreesh taught, and the ends changes as he does.

Tales From the Battlefront


Set in the Battlefront era: A few vignettes to chuckle over...

The three pieces go from sublime to ridiculous. The one man running through the last two sections, chased by Darth Vader, was just too much.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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